The lazy, breastfeeding, mommy-machine.
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Maddi, money, pregnancy | Leave a Comment
So, I’m really BAD about updating lately. I guess it’s mostly because I just feel so darn lazy lately. I’m keeping up with school, and that’s about it. I guess we all go through these little funks at one point or another. Just my turn I suppose.
Things are going well. Danny is crawling like crazy. He’s acting kind of weird though, I guess it’s more normal that weird… But still. He FREAKS out like the world is about to end if I put him down. Heck, if I even grab underneath his armpits like I *might* put him down, he freaks out. He just wants held, ALL the time. And it’s just crazy to me! I can’t be holding a baby 24/7! My carriers have come in handy though, because I can pop him in there and just wear him while I do things, and he’s happy as a clam. It just gets annoying when he starts grabbing at my face… He’s got sharp little finger nails and he rips my lips open when he grabs them. I don’t like that.
Maddi is starting to talk more, which is cool, but sometimes annoying. Now that she’s figured out she can say things to get things, she automatically assumes that if she says it, then she’ll get it. Hah! I think not. No, Maddi. You can’t have soda, cookies, candy and ice cream for breakfast.
We also got Maddi’s big girl bed set up. My mom got it at the dump… But it was in great condition and was in the set aside pile… It just needed a couple of the rods bent back into shape. My grandpa did that, and now its great. We didn’t set it up for awhile, and just left it outside, but now its up. We still have the crib set up next to it, just to remind her that if she gets up out of bed and throws a fit, then she gets to sleep in the crib… Sometimes that reminder works, sometimes it dosen’t.
I started up a new website, all about breastfeeding and breast milk donation! If you’re a nursing mom or know a nursing mom, you should check it out. http://www.breastmilkdonation.com we’re having a breast pump giveaway, and there’s even a section on the site for free baby feeding supplies… Things like formula, bottles, nursing pads, etc.
I still have baby fever. Which I’m really bummed about. I don’t want another baby right now. The plan was when Danny was around two years old, but then we did our taxes and we got this home purchase credit, but in order to keep it, we have to stay in our home for three years… And Dan dosen’t want another baby until we’re out of this home and in a bigger one… Meaning, Danny will be around 3 1/2 before I get to have another baby. 
I really didn’t want to wait that long. It feels like forever from now!
Anyways, that’s about all on my end.
Staph, Strep, Weight, Adoption, Conception, Car, Debt, Oh my.
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Health, Maddi, money, pregnancy | Leave a Comment
I’ve been kind of lazy about updating lately. Sorry. My bad.
Things are going better on this end. Danny is feeling MUCH better, which I am super thankful for. I was so worried about him. Turns out he had the staph AND a strep infection at the same time. Definitely not cool. I’m just glad he’s okay.
On a lighter note, my little guy has a tooth! It’s just a teensy weensy tiny little thing, but it’s still a tooth. You can’t really see it, because it’s just the tip, and its barely out of the gum, but its there! It’s exciting but it makes me sad at the same time. He’s almost nine months old. It’s about time he got some teethers going!
Maddi is speaking much better. She still has issues pronouncing things, and trying to use words (she prefers to whine and cry… which she doesn’t get away with anymore). She just has to stop being lazy. She dosen’t like using words, and it’s pretty obvious she’d rather just grunt and get what she wants… But that doesn’t float anymore, not that it did before, but we’ve become much more strict about the no-whining-and-grunting-policy.
I’m struggling with my weight again. Don’t really know what else to say on that subject. Except that I’m struggling and I feel like I’m huge. Regardless of what everyone says and what my husband thinks. I know I’m not fat, in my logical mind. But I also know everyone’s lying when they say I’m not fat. I hate these feelings. But I knew they’d be back eventually, and quite frankly, I’m tired of fighting it. I knew that as soon as danny needed me less for nourishment, that this is what would happen.
On a much happier note, Dan was working our taxes… and I’m freaking excited. We’re going to get enough back to pay off ALL of our debt, AND have some left over. Which is awesome. I’m excited. I can’t wait. We’ll be able to pay off EVERYTHING (except the house). So this means, credit cards, collections, and our car! I’m so flipping excited. This is going to make our lives MUCH easier. Maybe we can even start building up a savings.
On top of that, I’m thinking I might adopt our next child. I’ve been putting a great deal of thought into it. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I’m thinking I will. I’d really like to. I may, I may not. We may decide to try for our own, or adopt. I know we’ll adopt eventually, but we may or may not adopt our next child. It depends on how much we’ve saved up, and whether we’re in a bigger house, or what not.
Anyways, that’s my blurb.
Salvation Army Angel Tree
Filed Under Danny, Family, Maddi, friends, money | 2 Comments
Okay. So, Dan and I are pretty freaking broke this year. So, I signed up for the Salvation Army Angel Tree program, and got approved for it, which was awesome. They sent us a letter confirming our appointment time to come in and pick out gifts for our kids, and the letter said it had to be presented in order to be allowed to “shop.” So, I put the letter in the drawer so I wouldn’t lose it.
Anyways, night before the appointment, I decided to set everything out since I’d have to get up early and didn’t want to forget anything. And then I check the drawer for the letter and it’s not anywhere to be found. I ramsacked the house. And our house isn’t that big! I even grabebd some gloves and went through five or six bags of nasty ucky trash! And I still couldn’t find it. I ended up crying. I was pretty upset.
I called them at 1 in the morning, hoping they had a voicemail and I could leave a message explaining my problem, but they didn’t have an answering machine. So, I got up around 6:30-7am (after going to bed at 3:30am) and picked up Chelsea, hung out at my grandparents for a little bit, and then sat outside the Salvation army family services office for half an hour until they opened.
While we waited, there were some Nikiski firemen there picking up boxes, so Chelsea and I helped them carry all their boxes to their truck. Might as well help someone, right? We were just sitting in the car doing nothing…
So they open at 10, and don’t get out there for anyone until around 10:30. I talk to a guy and he goes and talks to the lady in charge, comes back and tells me that if I have my photo ID, then they can do it. I was so relieved. I just about cried.
So Chelsea and I got to go through and pick two toys and a couple outfits out for each kiddo. Maddi got a hat and scarf set, and Danny got a hat. And Maddi got some bracelets, and Danny got a little wooden truck. Maddi got a doll and some foam bath letters that stick to the sides of the tub, and Danny got a wooden cube that you push little wooden shapes into, and a wooden emergency crew set with a wooden ambulance, fire truck and police car. And Maddi got a pair of shoes, and an outfit and Danny got two outfits. 
It’s not much, but it’s sooo much more than we would have had! And I really appreciate that the people in our community do this kind of thing. I felt bad accepting it at first, but you know… I can make it up later. When I have money, I can give some to the bellringers at the holidays or something, so they can help some other family who is in the position I am now in the future.
But…
I still can’t believe I dug through six bags of trash! UGH!
Waiting to Try… But pouting while I wait.
Filed Under Contemplative, Danny, Family, Health, School, house, money | 2 Comments
I really want to have another baby. I don’t know why, but for the last two months or so, I’ve just had this BURNING baby fever. It sucks.
I know I can’t have another baby right now. The first reason, is because my little guy is only seven months old and he was born via a cesarean, so obviously, I need to wait and allow my body to heal more, that way I can attempt another VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).
The second reason, is money. We’re kind of broke right now, and debt is pretty consuming at this point. It’s not very easy to deal with and it just kind of sucks all around, you know? We need to get out of debt.
Third… I need to get my associate’s degree finished. And get better grades next semester. I did pretty crappy this last semester, which sucks… But what else can I do, you know? Between all the medical problems I had last semester (my son was hospitalized with RSV, I got the swine flu and I had my appendix out) I just didn’t do so hot.
Fourth… Space. We don’t have ROOM for another baby. We live in a one bedroom house. It’ll have two bedrooms soon… but the second bedroom is INCREDIBLY small, and long. So… We need more space before we can actually think of having more kids… Especially since we have a boy and a girl… They can’t share a room forever!
Fifth… I’m still working on certifying as a birth doula… I need to finish that training! So, it’s kind of important that I get it all done so I can start making a little money.
So, I’m coming up with goals for everything.
1. Time:
Danny needs to be 12 months before I even consider trying for another baby, and only if other goals are met!
2. Grades:
My last completed semester of school needs to have grades of all C’s and above. Hopefully chancellor’s list… But at the very least, C’s and above.
3. Money:
I need to have at least $5,000 saved up.
4. Training:
I need to finish my birth doula certification and start making money. I can’t make money to save if I don’t finish the training!
I think, if I can meet these goals then everything will go alright and we’ll be ready to try.
It sounds silly, but just typing all of this out really helped me feel better about my decision to try. And it also made it feel not quite as far away in the future as it had before I wrote it out! At least now, I have some concrete goals and a written plan that will determine when I have the go-ahead to try!
Cloth Diapers
Filed Under Danny, Health, Maddi, money | 2 Comments
Maybe I’m nuts… I don’t know. But I’m switching to cloth diapers.
I was running low on Danny’s diapers (he’s only got a few left) and all I could think was “How much money am I forking out on disposable diapers and wipes in a month? A year?” And then my head started spinning. That’s $2500 a year that could be going towards getting rid of debt. That’s $2500 that could be going towards devloping my baby carrier business. That’s $2500 that could go towards paying off my student loans. That’s $2500 that could make our lives a little less stressed…. And all I have to do is an extra load of laundry a day?
I’m game.
For now, I just bought this tablecloth like material to make a cover for Danny and I’m using the trifolds inside of it. I really want to make some PUL diapers, but I don’t have any money to do it right now. Maddi’s going to use the rest of her pullups and then she’s getting some training pants. I’m making them for her.
In the meantime though, I have located a sewing machine! And that’s something I’m VERY excited about!!!
Baby Carriers
Filed Under Family, Maddi, money | 2 Comments
Soooo….
Thanks to the lovely Brianna, I discovered the most AMAZING baby carriers in the world. I seriously love the buckle mei-tai. I went through a LOT of different carriers when I had Maddi, and I hated them all, so finally I just said “Screw it.” and quit using them and just carried her on my hip or whatnot.
However… these buckle mei-tais are fan-freaking-tastic. I love it.
I love it so much I started to research how to make them. I had a hard time finding anything that wasn’t just a square with straps on it. I even emailed the lady who made the one I was given, but she wouldn’t give me the pattern, or even an inkling of an idea on how to assemble it.
So, I spent SEVEN hours drafting a pattern for it. Measuring, remeasuring, and connecting the dots. Who ever thought that I would actually USE the skills I learned in geometry class!
The prototype! Isn't it awesome?
I worked soooo hard on this!
I’ve got enough fabric to make another one. I love the one I made, however, I plan on extending the body piece another inch. I think mine was a little on the short side. Barely, but I want to extend the whole body piece an inch!
God, I love these things.
And god, I love my determination to figure these things out!
Adjusting, Bills, Dr. L & Random Ramblings…
Filed Under Danny, Health, Maddi, money, pregnancy | Leave a Comment
So, I’m settling back into the swing of things. It’s different having two, versus having one, but I’m trying to take it one day at a time. Sometimes it’s really tough, especially when I’m carrying Danny, and Maddi wants to try running off, or won’t hold my hand (this is especially troublesome in stores and parking lots…) and she tries to test my patience… It’s mostly Maddi that’s giving me trouble and wearing me out right now…
On a lighter note, I had a bill past due (like WAY past due) for counseling stuff from over a year ago (when Dan and I were seperated… I got VERY depressed about it…) and they sent me a letter with an income worksheet because they merged with a sliding payment scale clinic, so they follow the sliding pay scale now too. I’m hoping that this means I will get the sliding pay scale rate because if that’s the case, then I only have to pay $20, which would be awesome, considering I owe $450…. So hopefully that IS what it means! I really hope so.
I worked on cleaning mine and Dan’s room. It’s a disaster zone, but considering how I really haven’t felt well and been up to the whole moving-around-easily thing… It was pretty easy for it to get that way. Dan works a lot (he went back to work last Thursday…) and with me not feeling well and having to chase Maddi and take care of Danny, it happens. I feel pretty lame though, because what would normally only take me an hour to do cleaning wise, took me nearly four hours because of how tired I’d get and how many sit-down-for-five-minute-breaks I had to take. It’s all part of healing and recovering though… My room isn’t completely clean, however, I did make progress. Got the suitcase from Anchorage taken care of, a few boxes gone through and emptied out, laundry started, sheets washed, and we can actually see the floor now! I’m sure Dan will be happy that I worked on it. He seems really stressed lately, and being stressed sucks, but it sucks even worse when you have a stressful day and you come home to a messy place and lots of things you know you need to be doing but don’t have the energy to do.
I feel really clingy lately. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the post-partum. I feel super clingy to Dan and I don’t know why. I get all sad when he has to go to work, and I miss him while he’s gone… And I just find myself wanting to spend more time with him, even if I really don’t have anything for us to do planned.
I have my two week appointment, and Danny’s two weeks appointment tomorrow. Mine is at 1pm and his is at 2pm, so provided nothing goes wrong at mine, then I’ll make it to his easily. The two buildings are super close together, maybe only three or four minutes apart. Just cross your fingers and hope that nothing goes wrong at my appointment. I’m kind of worried it will. (TMI WARNING) I stopped bleeding at all for almost four days, and then I started bleeding a LOT of dark, but bright red blood. Not enough to fill a pad in an hour, like it says on the warning signs list, but enough that it kind of alarms me. And since that started happening, I’ve been getting really dizzy and my eyes kind of cloud over when I stand up. So, I’m wondering if the two are related? I’m going to ask Dr. B tomorrow.
Speaking of Doctors, I LOVED my doctor in Anchorage, Dr. L. I’m really bummed out that I don’t get to see him again. He was awesome. He seemed to really care about what he was doing, and his patients. It meant a lot to me that he was so involved and so supportive of my attempt at a VBAC. He seemed like he was trying just as hard as I was to make the VBAC work. I’m usually incredibly picky and incredibly skeptical of most doctors, but Dr. L was amazing. I’m going to write him a letter, and send him some pictures of Danny. I’d love to keep in touch with him. I know it sounds silly, but when I become a doctor (one day…), I hope I can treat my patients, and find that care and concern within myself for my patients that Dr. L did for me. I hope I’m able to connect with my patients on that level and do my best to treat them and keep them healthy, at the same time as doing my best to help them achieve any goals they may have (like a VBAC). Dr. L really seemed like he felt bad that I couldn’t have the VBAC, but he knew the baby wasn’t tolerating it and it wouldn’t be safe. I think he knew how much I wanted one… I almost think he was more upset than I was… But I’m glad I tried, and I’m glad he genuinely supported my decision to try.
Anyways, that’s enough rambling for today.
Denali KidCare
Filed Under Health, money, pregnancy | 4 Comments
Thank goodness!
So of you know, I’ve been struggling to get approved for Denali KidCare (the medicaid program for pregnant women and children under eighteen) since nearly september, and I’ve applied three times!
Thankfully, all of 2008 didn’t affect us much financially because we had already met our deductible, meaning that we didn’t have to pay anything out of pocket for my prenatal care and hospital issues. However, when the calendar year started over in January, our deductible went back to zero, and it’s pretty high so having to pay for those things would have broke us, especially considering I had to go to the ER once, and was hospitalized for three days, and all of my bills kept stacking up.
Finally, with my third application, I sent every stinking peice of paperwork I could possible think of that they MIGHT need, even if it was something stupid and silly. And then I called them last week to see if they could get my case through sooner because I was due in less than three weeks, and they did! Yay!
I was worried they wouldn’t cover my medical expenses for January, February and March, but I got the letter today, and not only am I approved, but they’re backdating everything to January 1st!
I’m so relieved. This really helps. Especially considering how much these bills were and how badly it would have broken us.
Thank goodness for the small joys and reliefs in life!
Bogus. Completely Freaking Bogus.
Filed Under Family, Maddi, money | 2 Comments
So, I’ve since tried to talk things out with my mom and that really hasn’t gotten me anywhere. All I keep hearing from her, and my grandfather is “An apology isn’t good enough” and you need to sit down and think of what you can do to make this situation better, or fix it to some degree.”
What the hell could I possibly do?! An apology should be adequate. And she should be willing to accept it. What else could I possibly do? Short of handing her a check for a million dollars (which I can’t do, and which I wouldn’t do even if I could) what more is there for me to do?! You shouldn’t have to buy someone’s forgiveness through actions or deeds or gestures. That’s not how it works.
And apparently I’m “evil.” And one day “Maddi will see me for who I really am, and will know that she wasn’t allowed to have a relationship with her grandma because her mom used her like a pawn.” That’s not the case at all. My mom was hardly a mom to me. How can I expect her to be a grandma to MY children? I don’t trust her. She’s deceptive, and secretive and manipulative.
And regardless of how many times I apologize, she still remains adamant that she’s going to press charges to “teach me that with actions come consequences.” And she just dosen’t know if anything can be done to resolve it outside of court.
And then my grandpa has the nerve to suggest I need to go back to counseling to “better understand why I did what I did?” Umm… i know why I did what I did. It’s not a very good reason, and it certainly dosen’t excuse what I did, but I was angry. I was upset. I was mad. I knew she was lying and that anger made me want to prove it somehow.
I don’t need to pay a counselor to tell me that. I already know that. I owe my grandpa $2800 right now, I have around $900 in collections. And I can’t even buy groceries most of the time. What the hell does he think I would pay money for very UNNEEDED counseling for? Money I don’t have, and if I did, could be put to much better use than paying a shrink to tell me something I already know..
Whatever man.
If she wants to press charges, then she can press the damn charges. I don’t even care anymore. Nothing will be solved by pressing charges. I even told her that, and she said “How am I supposed to ever trust you again?” Umm… Getting me put in jail or on probation or what not, will that make you trust me more? I don’t even freaking care anymore. Nothing good will come of this by trying to get me into legal trouble. Nothing good at all. All it will do is further the rift between us, and really make it so she’ll never see me of my children again. She was barely seeing them BEFORE all of this.
I apologized. I meant my apology, but it’s not good enough for her. I’m not going to sit around and plan out a hundred and one ways to make her forgive me or do something nice for her to make her drop the charges or whatnot. I’m not jumping through hoops and bending over backwards to get her forgiveness. I shouldn’t have to. And her, being someone who has required forgiveness on many occasions… Should be a little more willing to give it. Especially when she has received it so freely from others, without expectations of other actions, deeds, or favors.
What’s that bible story where the guy has a debt, and the debt collector forgives his debt, and then the guy goes and throws people who are indebted to him into debters prison???
Burning Out, Broke, Lawyer-Dan, & Other Craziness
Filed Under Contemplative, Family, Maddi, School, money, pregnancy | 2 Comments
So, I am completely and utterly unmotivated to do much of anything for my schoolwork… Mostly because it’s an art project that we’re supposed to do, and I’m broke. I can’t do a decent art project if I don’t have the correct supplies, and I can’t get the right supplies, if I have no money to buy them! It’s all one giant frustration. We’re supposed to make some kind of native art or something… I think… I’m going to dig around for some glue, and use a paper towel tube, and some left over scrap booking paper and yarn to make a rainstick with rice inside it. It might be a little elementary, but it will be fun, and it’s “in the style” of native artwork. So, maybe she’ll give me an A for effort? I’m too broke to buy anything right now.
Meanwhile, we were going to go to anchorage tonight after Dan got off work, and get a hotel for the night, so we can go to his uncle’s funeral tomorrow, but we’re broke. So we’re just going to leave early tomorrow morning, go to the funeral, and drive home afterward. It’s kind of weird that they waited so long to have the funeral, but I’m not too entirely sure how all of that works, so who am I to determine what’s long and what’s not. Dan’s uncle was only 50 years old though, I’m really hoping Dan looks at this and starts taking better care of himself.
I’m still using the evening primrose oil, one capsule, three times daily by mouth, and three capsules at night vaginally. And I’m drinking my three cups of raspberry leaf tea a day. I’m getting used to the taste. I’m not a very big tea drinker, but I’m starting to like it. It tastes a lot better with honey than with sugar mixed into it. So far it seems to be helping, as my Braxton Hicks are a lot stronger than they were. We’ll see at my appointment on Friday!
Meanwhile, Maddi is being a pill. She’s going through this phase where she thinks she needs to throw all of her freaking food on the floor. It dosen’t matter if she was begging and whining for food before I gave it to her, the second I put food in front of her in the high chair, she thinks she needs to throw it! And she knows what she’s doing is wrong! I’ll say “No!” and “Don’t throw your food!” really stern, and she just looks at me and does it anyways. This has been going on for a couple weeks… Probably closer to a month. Today, she threw her lunch on the floor, so I swatted her hand, put the food on her tray, and told her not to throw it on the floor. She looked right at me, and threw it again! I swatted her hand, picked her up and put her in bed for her naptime without lunch. I know it sounds mean, but obviously, if she’s throwing her food, she’s not hungry. Needless to say, when she got up from her nap, and it was dinner time, she ate EVERYTHING on her tray. So, I think that’s the approach I’ll take. If she throws it, she gets down from her high chair. I don’t make her food, and buy her food just for her to waste it because she wants to be a brat. It’s just so frustrating! I hate to make her take a nap with an empty belly, but she CANNOT keep doing this! Food is for eating. Not throwing!
Meanwhile, Dan has showed some interest in becoming a lawyer, and personally, I think it’d be a GREAT career choice. That boy can win any debate under the sun. Heck, he’s won debates FOR smoking, and AGAINST going to college, which is crazy, but it just goes to show, he’s got talent! He’s very good with words, and very good at arguing, which can be frustrating for me sometimes. That’s one thing that irritates me about him, almost anything I say or believe, he wants to hear my argument for it, or my evidence. I don’t plan on debates. Personally, I don’t like debates. They frustrate me and I hate participating in them. I’m not clever and witty and quick like he is. But I do think those very same characteristics that annoy me, would make him an AMAZING lawyer. We’ll see if he decides that’s the path he wants to take. Whatever decision he makes, I’ll support it, so long as it’s something that he really wants to do, and something he can help support his family on.
I think I’m getting the end-of-pregnancy-grumpies. I’m like seriously cranky and I can’t help it. I’m trying not to be, but I am! It’s like… everything makes me go GRRRR! I can’t wait to meet this little guy. I need to issue the kid an eviction notice or something! I would love to have my LUNG CAVITY back to myself and quit having to share it with a roommate who refuses to pay any rent, but insists on giving me indigestion, cramps, braxton hicks, nausea, etc, etc. He he he. As miserable as the end is, I loved being pregnant (well, mostly up until the point I couldn’t breathe anymore..) but this will be my last baby for a long time.
I don’t plan on having any more kids until after I finish my nursing degree. I don’t know how many I plan on having after that. I might have more. I might not. I’m really not sure. I’d like to plan on it, but I don’t know. I might decide that I have different priorities and goals by then. We’ll just have to wait and see. I just know that I need to have a good degree before I have any more babies. I need to be able to provide for the two I have. When I can do that successfully, then I’ll consider having more. Until then, I’m done. Shutting down the baby-making shop.
Meanwhile, I have the most amazing song stuck in my head. I used to listen to it all the time when I was sixteen or seventeen, and I’ve been obsessed with the band ever since then. “Okay, I believe you, but my tommy gun don’t.” by Brand New.
“Wouldn’t stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.”
Such a hot song. I love it.
“Oh, we’re so controversial
We are entirely smooth
We admit to the truth
We are the best at what we do
And these are the words you wish you wrote down
This is the way you wish your voice sounds
Handsome and smart
Ooh, my tongue’s the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart”
What can I say? Hearing all these old songs I used to listen to back in the day kind of brings on an inspiration in me. They make me wonder, if at that age, where I am now, was what I saw myself doing at this age. It’s an interesting thought to ponder… Sometimes I think I’m doing well, and 20 year old me, isn’t a disappointment to 17 year old me, and other times, I wonder if I could do better. It varies depending on my mood.
Anyways, I really should do my homework now.
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