Teething Bites!

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Danny has been a non-stop fuss bucket for the last three days, and at first we couldn’t figure out why. I checked his mouth last night, and lo-and-behold, he’s got a tooth popped through on his top gum. Then, this morning, Dan tells me that he has THREE teeth coming through. I didn’t believe him, so I check, and he doesn’t have three teeth coming in, he has FOUR teeth coming in on top! No wonder my poor baby is miserable! He’s been really clingy, and just wanting to nurse all the time. He’ll nurse long enough, and hard enough, that I end up getting let-down three times in one nursing! He usually never nurses that strong! My poor little guy.

Blueberry is adjusting well. He does really great with the kids, although sometimes I wish he WOULD turn around and claw Maddi when she’s mean to him. Maybe then she’d understand he dosen’t like it, and she’d stop. But no, he’s too sweet. He lets her get away with it. He really likes Danny though, and curls up with him a lot. And Dan is his favorite. He curls up with Dan a lot, which is funny because Dan tries to tell me he dosen’t like cats, yet he plays with blueberry just as much, if not more than the rest of us!

School is going okay. I’m kind of losing my motivation. I just don’t enjoy my classes because they aren’t what I’m interested in, you know?

I got all of my coursework to begin my childbirth educator certification. Which, I am super excited about. I also got my breastfeeding counselor coursework, and birth and post partum doula coursework as well. I’m so excited for it!

Anways, just a short update!

Be sure to check out my review blog. I’ve got a few giveaways going on over there! We’re giving away a Medela freestyle breast pump, a woombie, a juppy baby walker, and a surprise giveaway for nursing moms!

http://www.reviews.anotherteenmom.com

Helping My Special Little Girl, Lexi Mae!

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, friends | 2 Comments

So, I was talking to one of the mamas I donate milk to, and her little girl got sick and was in the hospital with RSV. I know it sounds silly, but when I saw she was in the hospital, my heart jumped in my throat and I just about started crying! I know it sounds silly, but I feel like she’s my baby too! I think I feel that way about all of my milk babies, but especially Lexi. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve gotten to know her and her mom really well. But, I was so worried about her! And luck has it, I had milk leftover from when Danny was recovering from RSV, so it might be able to better help her little girl fight it all off! Especially considering it should have the right antibodies to help combat it, since it was pumped right around the time Danny was getting over his RSV. Only problem was, I had it all in bottles, and not bags, and the bottles aren’t good for shipping.

Normally, I wouldn’t do this, because technically, you shouldn’t thaw and then refreeze breast milk, however, I’ve refrozen milk that was slushy before, and it was just fine, so I got the milk to that point, and then my sister and I started bagging it all! It took us about an hour just to bag it all! We had 78 bottles to bag. We ended up giving Danny three of the bottles, because he saw us bagging it and got these jealous puppy eyes. He was probably thinking, “What? What is she doing with MY milk?! That’s mine! I could be drinking that! Wait! What are you doing?! Give it back!!!” So, we warmed a couple bottles of it up for him and he was happy.

But, like I said, normally, I wouldn’t thaw and refreeze, but I was super careful about it, making sure the milk stayed cold/slushy the entire time. And since I’ve refrozen a couple bottles here and there that were at that point, I feel comfortable doing it. So, now we just need it to all refreeze completely by morning so I can ship it off to her.

It was definitely a task! I had to drive out to my step-dad’s to get the milk out of his freezer (he had been storing it for me), so I bet he’s glad that it’s gone and he has room! He was (jokingly) threatening that he was going to use it in his coffee if I didn’t come get it soon! But then we had to let it thaw out, and bag it. Tori helped me. We used the breast shields for my breast pump like a funnel and poured all the milk into the bags.

It’s mostly an economy issue. The bottles won’t fit in the cooler very well, and they take up a lot of extra weight. So, when you’re shipping 2nd day, and you’re paying a pretty penny for it, you want to be able to get the most out of it you can. If I had sent it in the bottle, I probably could have only fit 12-15 bottles in the cooler (30-37.5 ounces) but in the bags, I can fit around 18-22 bags in the cooler (108-132 ounces). So when you’re paying $50-100 just to ship it, you definitely want to get the most out of it that you can! Especially since you can’t be shipping it all the time!

But yeah. Miss Lexi is going to get some nummy-yummy good-for-her-tummy milk very soon! And I’m sure she’ll enjoy it! Last time, Courtney (her mom) told me that Lexi downed the bottle of breast milk faster than she ever downed a bottle of formula, so she must have enjoyed it! Can’t say I blame her! I’d rather a glass of drink breast milk over formula any day!

Anyways, I just had to share. This kind of stuff just gives me the happy-warm-fuzzy-feelings all over. Just makes me feel really good about being able to help such an amazing little girl in such an amazing way.

The lazy, breastfeeding, mommy-machine.

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So, I’m really BAD about updating lately. I guess it’s mostly because I just feel so darn lazy lately. I’m keeping up with school, and that’s about it. I guess we all go through these little funks at one point or another. Just my turn I suppose.

Things are going well. Danny is crawling like crazy. He’s acting kind of weird though, I guess it’s more normal that weird… But still. He FREAKS out like the world is about to end if I put him down. Heck, if I even grab underneath his armpits like I *might* put him down, he freaks out. He just wants held, ALL the time. And it’s just crazy to me! I can’t be holding a baby 24/7! My carriers have come in handy though, because I can pop him in there and just wear him while I do things, and he’s happy as a clam. It just gets annoying when he starts grabbing at my face… He’s got sharp little finger nails and he rips my lips open when he grabs them. I don’t like that.

Maddi is starting to talk more, which is cool, but sometimes annoying. Now that she’s figured out she can say things to get things, she automatically assumes that if she says it, then she’ll get it. Hah! I think not. No, Maddi. You can’t have soda, cookies, candy and ice cream for breakfast.

We also got Maddi’s big girl bed set up. My mom got it at the dump… But it was in great condition and was in the set aside pile… It just needed a couple of the rods bent back into shape. My grandpa did that, and now its great. We didn’t set it up for awhile, and just left it outside, but now its up. We still have the crib set up next to it, just to remind her that if she gets up out of bed and throws a fit, then she gets to sleep in the crib… Sometimes that reminder works, sometimes it dosen’t.

I started up a new website, all about breastfeeding and breast milk donation! If you’re a nursing mom or know a nursing mom, you should check it out. http://www.breastmilkdonation.com we’re having a breast pump giveaway, and there’s even a section on the site for free baby feeding supplies… Things like formula, bottles, nursing pads, etc.

I still have baby fever. Which I’m really bummed about. I don’t want another baby right now. The plan was when Danny was around two years old, but then we did our taxes and we got this home purchase credit, but in order to keep it, we have to stay in our home for three years… And Dan dosen’t want another baby until we’re out of this home and in a bigger one… Meaning, Danny will be around 3 1/2 before I get to have another baby. I really didn’t want to wait that long. It feels like forever from now!

Anyways, that’s about all on my end.

Photos…Because I’ve Been Holding Out.

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I haven’t treated you guys to any photos in a while. So, here’s some to get your fix.

Staph, Strep, Weight, Adoption, Conception, Car, Debt, Oh my.

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Health, Maddi, money, pregnancy | Leave a Comment

I’ve been kind of lazy about updating lately. Sorry. My bad.

Things are going better on this end. Danny is feeling MUCH better, which I am super thankful for. I was so worried about him. Turns out he had the staph AND a strep infection at the same time. Definitely not cool. I’m just glad he’s okay.

On a lighter note, my little guy has a tooth! It’s just a teensy weensy tiny little thing, but it’s still a tooth. You can’t really see it, because it’s just the tip, and its barely out of the gum, but its there! It’s exciting but it makes me sad at the same time. He’s almost nine months old. It’s about time he got some teethers going!

Maddi is speaking much better. She still has issues pronouncing things, and trying to use words (she prefers to whine and cry… which she doesn’t get away with anymore). She just has to stop being lazy. She dosen’t like using words, and it’s pretty obvious she’d rather just grunt and get what she wants… But that doesn’t float anymore, not that it did before, but we’ve become much more strict about the no-whining-and-grunting-policy.

I’m struggling with my weight again. Don’t really know what else to say on that subject. Except that I’m struggling and I feel like I’m huge. Regardless of what everyone says and what my husband thinks. I know I’m not fat, in my logical mind. But I also know everyone’s lying when they say I’m not fat. I hate these feelings. But I knew they’d be back eventually, and quite frankly, I’m tired of fighting it. I knew that as soon as danny needed me less for nourishment, that this is what would happen.

On a much happier note, Dan was working our taxes… and I’m freaking excited. We’re going to get enough back to pay off ALL of our debt, AND have some left over. Which is awesome. I’m excited. I can’t wait. We’ll be able to pay off EVERYTHING (except the house). So this means, credit cards, collections, and our car! I’m so flipping excited. This is going to make our lives MUCH easier. Maybe we can even start building up a savings.

On top of that, I’m thinking I might adopt our next child. I’ve been putting a great deal of thought into it. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I’m thinking I will. I’d really like to. I may, I may not. We may decide to try for our own, or adopt. I know we’ll adopt eventually, but we may or may not adopt our next child. It depends on how much we’ve saved up, and whether we’re in a bigger house, or what not.

Anyways, that’s my blurb.

Dietary Revolution

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Danny started being incredibly fussy when he was around four and a half to five months old. I just comforted him the best I could, and kept breastfeeding him. Around month five, I started debating giving him food, because I thought that maybe he just needed more than breastmilk, but I withheld, and dealt with the fussiness, worked on increasing my supply and nursing him more often than I had been.

Right before he turned six months, I noticed he would get more fussy whenever I had milk. It sparked an idea that maybe he has a dairy sensitivity. I talked to my sister-in-law, Tasha about it because my nephew that I babysit, Rex, has a dairy sensitivity. I thought maybe it was a genetic thing. Rex has a dairy sensitivity, and so does my husband, and one of my little sisters did too, so it only made sense that was what could be wrong. So, I cut out my dairy. He seemed to improve a little bit, but he was still fussing an awful lot.

At six months and some odd days old, I started him on rice cereal and baby fruits. He LOVED it! Everyone knows how fun it is to feed babies new foods for the first time ever! He absolutely adored it! We started vegetables, and meats too. And when we ran out of rice cereal, we started using baby oatmeal. (I had 15 boxes of unopened baby oatmeal and rice leftover from when Maddi was a baby! Good thing I saved it.) I made all of my own vegetable and meat baby foods though because frankly, all the baby foods that come in jars except for fruit, taste disgusting.  And at first, it was okay, but he started getting fussier, and fussier.

He got fussy to the point he would scream these high pitched SHRIEKING screams. Constantly. He’d scream so loud no noise would come out for a few seconds, and he’d get super red in the face. And it was like this all day and all night. It was terrible, and it still is. We’ve really only had one decent night of sleep in the last six weeks. On top of the sleep deprivation, I was getting really depressed. I felt like I wasn’t a good mom, because he wasn’t just screaming, he was MISERABLE. I hate seeing my baby upset, and I hate seeing him in pain. Sometimes, when he screams like that, and nothing will calm him down, I feel like a failure and I just want to cry. It breaks my heart in a way I can’t even describe, to see him in pain.

I took him to the doctor, but that really didn’t help any. They just shrugged their shoulders and said to put him on a sensitivity formula… And any of you who know me, know I would NEVER do that to my little man. If he’s having trouble with breastmilk, there’s no way adding formula will help! And not to mention I wouldn’t feed that garbage to him anyays. So, I pretty much ignored the doctor. Some people might think that’s dumb, but Danny’s my baby. And a lot of doctors are quick to endorse and encourage formula. So, that was pretty much a wasted appointment.

I posted on a couple parenting message boards about his strange behavior. Everyone recommended stopping solids altogether and going back to exclusively breastfeeding. I was considering doing that already, but hearing so many people recommending the same thing just made me more confident in the decision. So, he’s been back on JUST breastmilk for four or five days, and there has been slight improvement.

Yesterday, one of the moms on the message board suggested a gluten/wheat allergy. And it made sense! Especially when I made the connection that he hadn’t been AS fussy when we were using the rice cereal, but got worse when we introduced oatmeal. There were some babies at the daycare I used to work at when I was pregnant with Maddi who couldn’t have gluten or wheat! And their behavior when they DID have it, was a lot like Danny’s is. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.

So, I cut out wheat and gluten starting yesterday. I tell you… It’s tough! It’s so crazy how many things wheat and gluten are in. I had a boyfriend in high school who was allergic to wheat and gluten and it drove me nuts because he couldn’t ever eat anything with me! It was so hard to find things that he COULD have, and going out to eat was even more difficult. I remember thinking, “Man, I’d hate to have to eat like him…” and now, here I am, following the same diet.

So yeah. And on top of that, Dan and I made a bet that I couldn’t go vegan for an entire month. I researched it a lot, and I really feel like going vegan is something I might make a permanent change, you know? I really feel strongly about it, and I don’t want to support a very horrible and inhumane industry. If I raised, or hunted or caught the animal myself, or know it came from a GOOD place and was respected throughout its life, then I’m okay with it. But I can’t bring myself to eat the meat of animals who were tortured, direspected and abused.

So, needless to say, I’ve been learning a lot. I made eggplant parmesan with soy mozzarella, and candied oranges and home made veggie burgers today. I can tel you, it’s definitely been a learning experience.

But yeah… The vegan part isn’t too difficult. It’s the gluten and wheat part that’s horrible.

Ahh, the things I don’t do for my children….

What being a teenage mother has taught me.

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Contemplative, Danny, Family, Health, Love, Maddi, pregnancy | 6 Comments

What amazes me, is how often I see girls, only fifteen, sixteen or seventeen years old who want to have babies. I’m not talking want, in a one-day-in-the-future-tense, but want as in now, and soon. And just as often, I see girls the same age, who are already pregnant and they may think they know enough about babies through babysitting, or helping with siblings, but really, they have no idea what its like.

Everyone says that pregnancy is the easy part, having the baby is the tough part, but it’s not. Pregnancy is just as difficult. I see pregnant girls, even ones in their 20′s and 30′s, slamming red bull like it’s water, and eating tuna and deli meat like it’s going out of style! Not to mention poping ibuprofin everytime they get an ache or pain. All of which can be detrimental towards the baby’s health.

These girls don’t know that having an epidural can affect your baby’s ability to breathe, or even to breastfeed after birth. They don’t know that having an epidural increases your chance of a cesarean section. They don’t know that getting induced nearly doubles your chances of a cesarean section. They think that its “safe” for the baby to be born at 37 weeks, and by golly, they want that baby out ASAP! They don’t know that even at 37 weeks, that poor little baby could be born with premature lungs and suffer immensely because they didn’t get those last few weeks in utero to help their brain and lung development. They don’t know that, in the majority of cases, it’s best to let the baby decide when it’s ready to meet the world.

I then see these same women and girls, a few months after having had their babies, popping a bottle of formula into the poor baby’s mouth, claiming they “couldn’t” breastfeed. When in reality, only 2% of women cannot physically breastfeed. So, why are almost all of these girls bottlefeeding? My only attempt at a guess is that they were misinformed. Uneducated about the subject. Sure, you see breastfeeding PSA’s on television, and the WIC office tries to encourage breastfeeding, but we need to provide more in depth education on breastfeeding. So many babies end up suffering because of this. Babies were meant to drink human milk! So, why are mothers so surprised when their babies have reactions to formula? I’ve had women look at me shocked when I tell them my son hardly ever spits up. I can count on one hand how many times he’s spit up on me in his six months of life. And it’s no wonder, because breastfed babies spit up less.

I see these girls, who before or during the pregnancy had a boyfriend or fiancee around, but as soon as that baby entered the picture, the father of that child flew the coop. Or even worse, they ditched the girl as soon as she found out she was pregnant. Often times, these same guys refuse to pay child suport, and in most of the cases I’ve seen, don’t even spend time with their child. Let alone, help care for its daily needs. The girl thought she was in love. She thought it was forever, but sadly, in most cases of teenage pregnancy, forever really means “until I get tired of it.”

I got lucky. I really did. And the funny part is, I wasn’t expecting to get lucky. I thought I’d be raising my baby alone. The pregnancy was unintended, as 80% of teenage pregnancies are. I never for a second thought he would actually marry me. After all, 8 out of 10 fathers of teenage girl’s babies DON’T marry them. When he proposed, I was hesitant. And even though we got married, it wasn’t easy. We almost didn’t make it through our first year of marriage. But, he loved our baby and was incredibly devoted to her. Again, something that isn’t very common among the men involved in teenage pregnancies. I graduated high school a few months after she was born. That’s something only 1 in 4 teenage mothers actually do. I’m in college, and by the end of summer, I should have an associate’s degree. That’s something that only 1.5% of teenage mothers accomplish by age 30.  And, like 80% of teenage mothers, I had a second baby within two years of the birth of my first baby. But, unlike 80% of teen mothers, I have never been on welfare.

Hows that for statistics?

I got lucky in a lot of areas. I have a lot more support than most teenage mothers do. My husband works and provides for us, so I don’t have to. I can spend my time with my children instead of paying a daycare to raise them. I might not be a good story to scare girls away from getting pregnant, but even with all of my “lucky” things, it’s still hard. There are days I don’t want to do anything, but I have to.

When I’m sick, and puking, I still have to manage to comfort my kids who, most likely, are sick and puking too.

When I’m tired, and have been operating on only 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I still have to do my homework. And anytime I consider just saying “forget it all.” and taking an F, I get these intense pangs of guilt. What kind of mother am I if I don’t do everything possible to take care of my kids and give them the best? That includes educating myself, so that by the time they’re old enough to remember, they’ll never know we struggled.

When I have money, I can’t spend it on myself. Especially when there’s food to buy, clothes to buy, bills to pay.

I have to watch my diet, and avoid any and all dairy or my son will stay up all night with horrible gas, and I won’t get any sleep at all.

I can’t let the laundry go a day, because we use cloth diapers. If you would have asked me two years ago, I would have never even considered using cloth diapers, but when you’re forking out $250 dollars a month (that you need for food) just on diapers and wipes, it starts to be worth it…Regardless of how gross it is. Not to mention, my son dosen’t get hardly any rashes when we use cloth vs. disposable diapers.

I have to care for my children, even when I’m in pain. I had my apendix out, and the day after I got home from the hospital, I had to forego the pain meds I really needed, in order to take care of my children and make sure they were well cared for.

I had to have two medically necessary cesarean sections. The first one, because it would have killed both of us if I went into labor with her, the second because my son’s heartrate was erratic. Because of that cesarean, my ability to have many more kids in the future, is limited, unless I can successfully have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with my next child.

And these are just the physical tolls having children takes on you. The emotional tolls are even greater… but usually only on mothers who care.

It’s hard not being able to give your child everything. When you have your baby, you feel this overwhelming sense of love. Sure, before you have them, you know you love them, you know they’re important, but I don’t think it really hits you until they take their first breath and you realize this perfect little person is completely reliant on you. You are everything to them. It breaks my heart when I know there’s things I can’t give my kids, or things I wish I could.

I may not be perfect, but I do my best. And for now, that’s all that counts.

School & The Bottomless Pit Called Danny.

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So, because of how crazy everything got after I had swine flu and after my appendectomy, I got kind of behind in my classes. I’m taking an incomplete in my biology class. But, the rest of them, I’m going to try like hell to make them up before the deadline (the end of this week, aka the 7th of December.) It would be soooo much easier if I had some help watching kids while I did homework, but no such luck. I guess I just have to try to get it all done somehow.

Danny is a complete little piggy! He went through an entire jar of baby food, and about half a can of applesauce, both mixed with baby cereal. He’s seriously a little pig! He had some peas with us at dinner too. He really seemed to enjoy those too. He’s growing so fast. He loves his boobs still, so that’s a good thing. As long as he still likes his boobs, we’re good! I’ve been pumping when he eats solids though!

Amanda had her baby. So, I guess I have a new neice now.

Anyways, I’m off to go unwind for the evening and go to bed.

My life as of late..

Filed Under BebeBreeze, Breastfeeding, Danny, sewing | 1 Comment

I know. I haven’t updated in quite a while… Sorry about that guys. I guess I’ve just been really busy. This will be short though…

I had my first birth as a doula. It was the most amazing experience ever. I started getting teary eyed when the little guy was born! And Mama S did AMAZING. She was a real champ through the entire thing, and she just did amazing. I’m so proud of her! She seriously did amazing. She really inspired me. I hope that one day, if I get a VBAC, then I’m able to do as incredibly as she did with her labor and birth.

I finally made some of my nice waterproof all in one cloth diapers for Danny. So far, I’ve got 3 made. They take me about an hour each to make. They look hella good too! And they’re sooooo soft! I love the bamboo velour.

I finally started pumping again. Between the craziness of moving, and then getting sick and then getting my appendix out, things got pretty crazy. I need to refill all of the bottles we emptied when I was sick, and then I’ll start pumping more milk to donate.

Danny started on baby food two days ago. I wanted to delay it until he was closer to a year, but he’s ready for it, so I can’t hold him back. He’s only getting 1-2 jars of baby food mixed with rice a day and the rest is still boobs. I’m making sure to pump when he eats food though, to keep my supply up. He was just getting SOOO cranky at night. Really bad. He’d drain me flat and then cry and cry and cry. And even if we gave him bottles of the frozen milk, he still wasn’t happy. So, he’s liking having something solid in his tummy. I’m still breastfeeding him the majority of the time and will continue to do so until he’s at least one, and then he’ll be allowed to self-wean whenever he chooses.

I have baby fever lately. All my friends are pregnant, and it’s depressing me. I really, really, really want another baby. But at the same time, I also know that I don’t want another baby right now. I really don’t want one right now. Danny’s still small and I’m enjoying him, but I can’t help but get jealous of all my pregnant friends, and Dan sure dosen’t help it when he rents these pregnancy and birth related movies and makes me watch them with him! Ahh! Oh well. I want to wait until Danny’s at least two.

Other than that, I’m really not doing much of anything lately. Just spending time with my two three favorite kids. What? Dan counts as a kid!!!

Resolve to a Difficult Day

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Love, Maddi, friends, sewing | 4 Comments

So, yesterday was terrible. Like, on-the-verge-of-tears-and-tempted-to-go-hide-under-a-rock-forget-my-name-and-never-come-out kind of terrible.

I don’t really know what started it. I just remember, I started getting stressed right before Dan left for work. I was cleaning up the kitchen, and Maddi kept getting under my feet, even though I kept telling her to go to the living room. After trying to hold a conversation with Dan, and repeatedly telling Maddi to go to the living room because she was making me trip all over her, I got really mad and I yelled at her. I felt really bad afterward, because she cried and looks down like she was scared and upset.

The house was really messy. I get really depressed and down in the dumps anytime the house is too messy or disorganized or sloppy looking. I don’t know why. I just know that if it’s too messy, it’s a one-way ticket to a crappy day for me. So, I spent most of my day cleaning.

I wanted to work on schoolwork, but when I went to log on to the system, it was down and it said it wouldn’t be back up until Wednesday morning.

I put Maddi down for her nap, and as usual, she started crying and pitching a fit. I forgot to give her the herbal stuff we use (Tranquil Child by Oregon Harvest) to help her calm down and mellow out before bed. The effects are similar to sleepy-time tea… It’s not drugs or anything, just some stuff to help her mellow out, peppermint and chamomile. Anyways, I forgot to give it to her.

Anyways, while Maddi was in bed, Danny was crying and fussing like crazy. I think he’s starting to teethe. I’m not sure, but he’s had a lot of fits recently, where nothing makes him happy. He just screams. Cuddles don’t work. Boobs don’t work. Baths don’t work. Chewing on a spoon that we put in the freezer ahead of time seemed to help for a little bit, but that was short lived. I gave him some ice cold water in a bottle. He seems to enjoy the cold water, but again, only short lived relief. So, he was SCREAMING for almost four hours. Not just crying. Not just fussing, but screaming.

There’s two things I hate about when he cries like that. The first, is that it breaks my heart to hear him scream like he’s in pain and hurting. I usually end up with watery eyes and about to cry when I hear him like that and I can’t fix it. I hate it when my baby is in pain. I love him too much to see him hurting like that. The second, is that it makes me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I’m a failure of a mom. My baby is miserable and unhappy, and I can’t fix it. It makes me feel like it’s all my fault which is depressing. I hate feeling like that.

I want to be a good mom. I really do. But I feel like lately, no matter what I do, nothing is right and I’m not a good mom. I want to be, and I’m willing to learn, but where am I supposed to learn from? I never really had any kind of stable or consistent parenting growing up. Everything I do with my kids comes from here and there, and this and that. It’s all a guessing game. I don’t like making my kids into guinea pigs. I don’t like having to test out different disciplines on them, and feel like I still have no clue what I’m doing.

I really want to get this parenting program called “Love & Logic.” It’s supposed to be really good. I’ve read a lot of good reviews on it and I’ve heard a lot of my own friends and family rave about it. I really want to get it. It’s just a matter of saving up the money for it. It’s not too terribly expensive ($70) but I don’t have $70, you know? So… It is a lot when you don’t have it. I just know I’m not happy with how discipline is in our house, and I don’t like how she reacts to our disciplinary measures. I feel like it’s going nowhere, and there has to be a better way… I just haven’t found it yet.

Anyways, back to the story. Danny was still screaming, and I just put him back in his rocker because I was about ready to start crying myself. Sometimes, you just get to a point you feel like you can’t handle it, and that’s when you just put them down somewhere safe and let them cry. Nothing I was doing was working or even helping, and you can only do so much before it starts to wear on you. So, I put him down and went to get Maddi up from her nap.

I step into the bedroom and before I even look at her, I can smell it. Her diaper is on the floor (surprisingly, clean, nothing in it.) and there’s poop smeared from one end of the crib to the other. Globs and streaks of nasty, stinky, raunchy poop. I know this sounds bad, but given a choice between the two, I’d choose Danny poop any day because Maddi’s is just disgusting and horrible. I started crying. This is the third time she’s done this since we moved into the house. It’s a pain to clean, and having to lean over the crib to clean it after having abdominal surgery isn’t an easy task.

I picked her up out of the crib, took her straight to the bathroom and gave her a cold shower. It wasn’t really cold. More like slightly under lukewarm. She hates showers as it is, and I figured, if it’s not comfortable for her, she might learn from it. She CANNOT keep doing this and I CANNOT handle the continuation of her doing this. Thankfully this time, most of the poop was spread all over the mat that comes out of the bottom of the crib. I made her help clean it. Of course, I had to go over it after, but I made sure she got to lean over, scrub it and smell it while she cleaned. She cried the whole time, but she has to learn she can’t do things like that! Poop is NOT the same thing as paint and I’m sorry, I know it’s my job as Mom, but I do NOT want to keep cleaning up her shit!!! LITERALLY!

Throught this whole shower, scrubbing and crying thing… Danny is still screaming. Maddi then refused to eat, and I just said forget it, and put her right back in bed. If she couldn’t behave, I wasn’t about to deal with it when I was so stressed and upset.

I finally got Danny to calm down enough to nurse. Which was good, because it seemed to really relax him. He went to sleep. I tried to put him back in his rocker, but anytime I moved him away from my boob, he started to whimper, so I just let him snuggle with me.

Dan came home. He brought some of those yummy Van der Kamp fish filets and a bunch of madrin oranges. Kind of cheered me up. I cooked the fish, and some peas, and got Maddi up out of bed so she could see Daddy. I felt bad for just putting her in bed, but I needed a breather.

We all ate dinner together. It was nice, and relaxing. It felt good. She even ate all her vegetables with very little coaxing. We had to help a little, but she did it! She even babbled at us during dinner, talked a little, and we let her have some of Dan’s chocolate soy milk and a mini 3 musketeers candy bar after dinner. We put Maddi back in bed, and she didn’t put up too much of a fight (after all, it was really late).

Dan had brought home a movie. “The Ugly Truth.” I liked it. We watched it together. Had a sweet night. Cuddled up together afterwards. Then, Danny woke up, and I laid down and fed him. He snuggled up on me, and just nursed and cuddled almost the entire night. Normally, he dosen’t just snuggle up. He’ll try to play or move around a ton, but not this time. He passed out on my boob.

That’s one thing I love. When he falls asleep on me like that. It just makes everything okay. No matter how bad my day is, when he snuggles up on me and just lays there with me, quiet and close, it makes everything feel to much better.

It was a hard day. I won’t lie. I cried a lot. It sounds stupid, especially since all the things that went so wrong might seem trivial, but it was a really rough day.

Then, this morning, I got to sleep in. Courtesy of my amazing husband. And then, instead of getting up in a bad mood, I decided today would be a good day.

I tried logging onto the school’s system but their outage was extended until Friday. At first it kind of upset me, but I decided, it’d just have to be okay. I went in the kitchen and made waffles for my little girl and my husband. We had brunch together as a family and just hung out together until Dan had to go to work.

I spent the day with my kids. I cleaned up the house. I got some laundry done. I picked up Chelsea from school and she came over and spent some time with us. We mad dinner. Salmon, cheesy mashed potatoes, corn and brownies. Chelsea and I made some of the mocha frappuccinos for Dan. We watched Ice Age 3. Then, we took Chelsea home, and when we got back, I sewed a few sets of nursing pads and experimented with some designs and different ways of sewing them, and I finally settled on one.

I took some photos and even added the listings to my online boutique. Speaking of which, I have been working on setting it up. For anyone who wants to take a peek at what the boutique page looks like, click here. I’ve been working on it. It’s not done, but it’s getting closer to being ready.

I think… What I’ve gathered from this… is that sometimes, it’s really easy to get worked up and wrapped up in the unimportant things that don’t really matter. Sometimes the people causing you stress and upsetting you so much, are the same people who can make you feel better and melt that stress away. And sometimes, you just have to decide you’re going to have a good day, or at least a better day, and hold yourself to it.

Yesterday, was complete and utter hell… But it got better towards the end. And today might not have been perfect, but it was better. I found some positivity in it, and that’s something special. Something to be proud of. Yesterday, there was no light at the end of the tunnel… But last night, I realized there was… I was just going down a hill, and for a moment, couldn’t see the light. But it’s still there. And I’m going to be okay.

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