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It was brought to my attention through conversations with a friend that my meaning behind my pregnancy awareness guest posts were not understood.
The point of these guest posts, is to help people to understand how deeply these events can impact a woman’s life, and even her family’s life. The death of a baby, no matter how, why or when it passed away, is really thought of as a taboo subject. It’s something you just don’t talk about, and people don’t really understand the intensity of the feelings these events can bring for years to come.
These stories are intended to bring to light how we, as a society, close the door on these subjects. Making the grief and healing process for those who are enduring this, even more difficult.
When I lost my baby, I remember someone said to me, “Well, at least you weren’t that far along, and it wasn’t like.. a real baby, you know?”
I don’t think I have ever felt so hurt by someone’s misguided words before in my life. We don’t deal with these situations, and honestly, I think that makes it harder on women who are going through it. Not once did anyone just ask me if I was okay after I lost my baby… Or if I needed someone to talk to. I was completely isolated in my grief and trauma because it wasn’t something that should be talked about…
The point of these guest posts is to illustrate the reality of the situation and emotions that the mother who are enduring this intense loss are feeling.
I apologize if anyone took this in a different way.
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This month is pregnancy awareness month, and I wanted to try to share some experiences of women who have suffered the loss of a baby, whether through a miscarriage, a stillbirth, prematurity, even abortion. I want to show everyone just how deeply these issues pertaining to pregnancy can and do affect women, not only in the short term, but in the long term as well.
Over the next couple weeks, I will be featuring posts written by other woman about their experiences and how they relate to their emotions, feelings and lives. If you are interested in writing a post for this, please let me know and we will arrange it.
Our first post is from Emalee, about her precious angel Kenner. You can check her blog out at I am Me.
Here is her story. Please be prepared that there is a photo of her precious baby Kenner after he passed.
“My life changed almost two years ago. I am not the same person i used to be, BUT really how can I be? I miss the old me, the person who didn’t have a care in the world. The girl who never had to face anything too hard. When I think back to the day it all changed, I think about how scared I was, how excited I was. I was finally going to be a mom! Something that I have been trying to become for over 8 years!
It was July 9, 2008 when I found out! I am not sure why I decided to take the test, I just was like oh I have one so I will take it! I never ever thought it would come out positive. I was surprised! I was Happy! I was scared, this really is finally happening to me! I will never forget they day we saw the heart beat! It was AMAZING! It still didn’t feel real, I thought this is not happening to me! I am dreaming! I had my yearly that day too, My mid-wife found something when she was doing it! I had a polyp, she removed it. Small amount of bleeding went with that, BUT it stopped by the end of that day! Shortly after my appointment which was when I was 6 weeks and 5 days along. I started the morning sickness! Oh boy, it didn’t matter what I was going to throw up at least one meal a day! I hated going out to eat because I knew that was going to be the meal I threw up! I had a hard time with meat, any kind of meat especially chicken!
The next appointments went fine, everything was going good. Baby was growing fine, heart beat was strong. I thought up until 14 weeks that we were having a girl! At my 14 week 4 day appointment, that all changed. My mid-wife thought a boy was coming. WHAT A BOY!!! She was not 100 percent sure, but I had to start thinking that just maybe we were having a boy! Start thinking about boy names. I started spotting at about 18 weeks. What is happening, why am I spotting? I called the Dr office, I needed to see what they wanted me to do! They had me watch it, I had an appointment in a few days. 18 weeks and 4 days still a bit of spotting. Had my ultra sound and found out for sure it was a boy. He was doing well, everything was progressing great! My mid-wife decided to check me and to see what was going on inside me. I had another polyp! She decided that removing it was not going to be the best thing for me, So she left it. At about 20 weeks we went on a trip to Arizona. My nephew was getting baptized. I was still spotting, so I went to have the polyp removed before the trip! It was such a GREAT trip. I remember the day I first felt him move. I had just turned 20 weeks Kyle and I were out to breakfast! I had just finished eating, and then he started kicking and I felt it! It was SO exciting. I wish we had the opportunity to feel him from the outside.
22 weeks was when it all started, when all the things started to fall apart. When my world came to and end, when I became someone different! I became a mom when I was not ready, He was not ready to be born. My body failed me! I went into full blown labor at 22 weeks and 4 days. November 13, 2008 our son was born at 5pm, We all got to hold him and love him during his short life. We said our final goodbyes too his life at 7:10pm when he passed on to a different world. We had 2 short hours with him, 2 hours of something bitter sweet! I had 2 hours to be a mom to a living baby. I am now a mom to a dead baby! TO and angel, to someone I will never forget!
I can’t tell you how many times a day I think about my son. Kenner was my world, he is my life. I will forever miss him. I cant tell you how hard the last two years have been. You go through so many emotions in one day! I know that I am in a much better place then I was a year and a half ago. I can be truly happy, I don’t have to pretend to be ok all the time. I am Ok most days, I still have those days where i am not ok, where I feel like crawling back into bed, and NEVER getting out. BUT I do, I get up and I get ready for the day. That is all I can do, Just keep on living. Just keep on going. When Kenner, first passed away people kept telling me it would get easier. I didn’t believe them, BUT it does! Everyday its better. I still have those hard moments, those hard days. I miss my son everyday, I wish I had him here with me, I would give anything to have him here with me. TO be holding him in my arms, to be watching him run around the house playing with his toys. Trying to talk to me, I would give anything for that, for just one moment with him. Smell him again, touch him again. TO look at his beautiful place again. I would give anything for that!!!!”
- Angel Baby Kenner
Thank you so much for your story, Emalee. We appreciate you sharing something so close to your heart with us. Kenner was a beautiful and amazing little boy.
