Hello, Beautiful.

If you know me, you know I don’t wear makeup very much, and I paint my nails even less. It’s probably safe to say that I wear makeup maybe half a dozen times a year, at most. Even in high school, I didn’t wear makeup much, but I definitely wore it more then than I do now. However, I do like to use some great skin products, you can click here to find out more about them. Most of the time, I don’t feel pretty, or like I have a reason to look good. I seldom go to a beauty clinic, but one botox clinic in austin that I went before has the best service and another one from Botox Bournemouth. After all, I spend most of my day wiping snotty noses and changing diapers, and most of the time I’m lucky if I can even manage to snag a shower without all hell breaking loose in the living room.

I don’t like anything.

I don’t really have a reason for not wearing makeup, other than the fact I can never find anything I like. I wear browns and pinks only and I like shimmer and fine glitter (not chunks or globs). I won’t wear anything else. I can’t wear blue or green or anything wild. I just don’t like it. Sure, there’s plenty of browns and pinks (and maybe the occasional silver or white) in the cosmetic section at the store, but I’ve had bad experiences in that department. Nothing is more frustrating than spending an hour browsing through cosmetics, finally finding a few you think you’ll like, only to go home, try them and absolutely hate them after you spend $15 on a single eye shadow. Every time I even think of buying makeup at the store, I usually talk myself out of it, I definitely rather spend my money on the OROGOLD School site than to go to a store. After all, it’s never ended well before so it isn’t likely to now so I may as well save myself the money, the frustration and the clutter in my bathroom from all the makeup I’ll never use, since eventually I end up using just my Hypnotica mink eyelashes since is the only thing that look actually good in me.

I found the “Prince Charming” of eye shadow.

A couple years ago, right before I got pregnant with Averly, I was lucky enough to get some sample shadows from OverallBeauty. The samplers were pretty small, but for someone who wears makeup as little as I do, they were more than enough. I read some eye lash serum reviews, and decided to give the serum a try. I loved them though. In my entire life (and the hundreds of shadows I’ve seen and tried) I have never found one that I just loved. It just never happened for me. I never found my eyeshadow equivalent of Prince Charming. But then I found Elf Toes by Overall Beauty and it was love and first sight.

I started using the little sampler jar of it on a pretty regular basis… and then Maddi poured water into it while she was supposed to be in the bathroom going potty. I almost cried. It was my favorite shadow ever, and at the time, I just didn’t have the money to order a replacement. Shortly after this incident, I discovered I was pregnant with Version 3.0 (aka Averly) and I was too pukey to worry about looking pretty… Then after Ava was born and we discovered her medical issues and were fearful that she wouldn’t live. When your baby is wasting away on deaths door, everything else loses it’s importance, makeup, fun, friends, hobbies… Hell, even food loses it’s importance. It was a very dark time for us, but thankfully, that darkness has passed.

Behavior incentives

Like many parents, I was struggling with my two older children. Getting them to do a simple chore (like picking up toys, or putting their dirty towel in the laundry basket) was worse than pulling teeth. I was so stressed out over it. Getting them to clean their room was World War III and would take several days of nothing but non-stop helicopter supervision and micromanaging. Not to mention the fact that not only were the kids miserable and angry about it, but I was too. It was frustrating and stressful and no matter what approach we took, or what advice we followed, nothing worked. My kids are headstrong and they won’t give up in a battle of the wills.

My husband and I were watching a movie over a month ago, we met in one of the best adult dating sites and since we got married all we do is spend time watching movies and we keep reminding each other how arealkeeper.ie online dating brought us together, we were definitely extremely lucky to find the adult dating site reviews back then and we decide to try another adult service this days, this time an escort service from Zoom Escorts who apparently is a lot of enjoyment for a person or a couple who required it, we stayed together for a while and when we decided to get intimate, he took polypodium vulgare root powder and that really helped our relationship. In the movie, there was a scene showing an Amish family. In this scene, there was a little boy, no more than three or four, collecting eggs, milking goats, and helping his father cut wheat. The Amish family wasn’t even a central focus of the movie, but it caught my attention. I couldn’t help but think,  “If an Amish boy is collecting eggs, milking goats and cutting wheat, there’s no reason my kids can’t pick up their toys or set the table.”This revelation prompted discussion between my husband and I. Together, we developed a plan.

You have to earn your way in life.

The very next day, we started a new program with the kids. I wasn’t playing easy any more. My kids were going to start pulling their weight and contributing to the family unit. No one is entitled to anything, and we all have to earn the things we have. We developed a system in which the children were rewarded with a poker chip for each chore or task they completed. They could then spend their chips on snacks, movies or television shows, outings, activities, new toys, etc. They could also lose chips for being mean to each other, not cleaning up after themselves, throwing temper tantrums or getting into things they know they shouldn’t.

In just a weekend, we saw our two older make a complete transformation. They loved the new system and were eager to help around the house. They loved both earning and spending their chips. After just a week of following the program, I realized how much less stressed I was, as well as how much cleaner my house was. The kids seemed happier, and we had more time to spend together as a family because I wasn’t stuck slaving away over everyone else’s messes that they just left for me.

After a couple weeks, Maddi wanted to redeem some of the chips she had saved up. She told me that she wanted some purple nail polish, and unfortunately, I made the mistake of picking up a bottle at the store. I bought a bottle of purple glitter polish. The swatch looked great. It was a dark purple with glitter. It was beautiful and looked like it was exactly what Maddi would like.

It was garbage.

When we got home, Maddi wanted to paint her nails immediately with her new polish. I sat down with her to do it and was extremely disappointed. The polish was clear, with giant chunks of horrible looking glitter in it. There was no color to it, just giant chunks of purple glitter. It looked like crap… Like she licked her fingernails and dipped them in the dirt canister on the vacuum. The poor kid was so disappointed. I promised to make it up to her, and bought a bottle at a beauty supply store, but again, it looked nothinglike the swatch on the display rack, and again, she was disappointed.

At this point, I really didn’t know what to do. The beauty supply store had sold me a crappy product (even after I asked if the swatch was true to color), and I definitely didn’t trust the cosmetic section at the grocery store… I happened to get on Facebook at the exact right moment. I was scrolling through my newsfeed with Maddi right next to me, when we saw a picture of some gorgeous purple nail polish from OverallBeauty. Maddi pointed it out and asked for it and I decided to give it a shot, especially since the picture showed not only the color in the bottle, but on actual nails too. I had good experiences with OverallBeauty before, so I was hopeful that I would again.

I decided to let her pick out a couple other colors too, that way that we’d have them on hand for her to earn (rather than having to wait on the mail each time). I went to check out and saw that I was just a little bit away from getting free shipping on my order, so I splurged and bought a new container of Elf Toes and Pink Shimmer. Something came up with my order, so it took a tiny bit longer to get it, but I was thrilled to find a few extra goodies (including another sampler shadow) in my package, free of charge!


I love OverallBeauty. It isn’t a huge corporation. It’s run by an amazingly sweet woman who does her absolute best to meet and exceed her customers’ expectations. Her products are excellent and from here on out, it will be the only place I buy from. It’s just not worth risking it with department stores. Why waste money on something that is probably going to be crap when you could order something great?

Anyway, here’s a few photos from the fun we had with our OverallBeauty goodie bag.

I don’t have the steadiest hands, I know, but I hadn’t cleaned off the sides yet.
Maddi did my toes!
I used Elf Toes on the lower portion of my inner and center eyelid, Not Your GF on the lower outer portion and Pink Shimmer above those. I love how it turned out.

Danny’s Heartbreak

This is Danny.

Danny is quite the character. He’s got a sense of humor. He’s very creative, and the poor boy can break your heart when he’s sad.

Several months ago, while we were in Wasilla, I bought him these boots for skinny legs at Target. He absolutely loved them, and wore then constantly. The first week after we returned home, he refused to take them off, even at night. He would wear them constantly, even when he had footie pajamas on. You could not get him to take these shoes off.

These are his favorite shoes.

I didn’t mind his over-attachment to his new shoes. In fact, I thought it was cute that he was so in love with them. He always made sure to take good care of them, putting them in a safe place on the rare occasion that he wasn’t wearing them, and keeping them clean. There didn’t seem to be a problem until much later.

His feet grew.

I noticed that his shoes were getting a bit snug and were difficult to put on his feet. I did what any other parent would do. I took Danny to the store and helped him pick out a new pair in a bigger size. Of course, Maddi was super excited, but Danny sat in the cart, his lower lip trembling and tears brimming on his eyes. He wouldn’t talk to me or tell me what shoes he liked. He just hugged his too-small-but-favorite pair to his chest. I tried to explain to him that our store didn’t have those kind of shoes, but he just sobbed as though his heart was broken and the world was ending. Ultimately, I ended up picking out his new shoes.

After we bought Danny new shoes, he refused to wear them. They fit him right. They didn’t appear to be uncomfortable and they were his favorite color. Danny just wasn’t ready to accept the change and move forward in his life. He couldn’t accept the fact that he had grown, and therefore, he and his favorite shoes must part ways. We tried to hide his too-small shoes, but it was difficult to find a moment that they weren’t directly in his sight.. The few times we did manage to swipe his shoes, he realized it quickly, running around the house frantically, panicking and desperately searching for his favorite shoes.

I thought about buying him a new pair of the same shoes, but we don’t have a Target locally, and even if we did, the shoes had been on clearance when we bought them. The store wasn’t likely to still have those same shoes after this much time had passed.

No matter how many times we tried to explain to him that his shoes didn’t fit any more, he still wouldn’t wear his new ones. For weeks, he would spend nearly 15 minutes, forcing his feet into shoes that were too small for him. I told him countless times that if he wore them, his feet would hurt, but apparently the pain was worth it to him because he continued to wear them.

Yesterday, he tried to force his feet into these shoes, but for the first time, even after nearly thirty minutes of struggling, he couldn’t force his feet into his shoes. He started sobbing and trembling, visibly upset. His expression as I attempted to help him put his shoes on, mirrored that of a panicked family member, watching a loved one take their final breaths. I’m not a very emotional person on most days, but seeing my son so grief-stricken, I couldn’t help but feel myself choke up a little, watching his heart break in front of me.

I tried to explain to him that his feet were much too big for the shoes now, and that he couldn’t wear them any longer. He cried, hysterically, and ran to his room and sat in the closet, huddled against the wall, sobbing. I felt so bad for him. This poor, sweet little boy loved his shoes more than anything, and here they were, too small for him, completely useless for his much-too-large feet. All he wanted was to go back in time, to when his shoes still fit him, but try as he may, he just couldn’t make it happen.

I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me sooner, but I never thought to search for his shoes online. While he cried in his room, mourning the loss of his beloved shoes, I scoured the web, searching for his shoes in a large size and I found them. Two pairs, one was size 9, Danny’s current size, and one was size 11. I ordered the shoes immediately.

I can’t wait to give them to him. <3

Oh, how tastebuds change.

I made the most disgusting dessert to ever be seen on this planet.

Strawberry almond tapioca pudding.

Of course, the kids loved it. It was their idea in the first place. I had made normal tapioca and was making a second batch with almond milk for Ava and next thing I know, the kids are begging and pleading with me to add strawberry powder to it. So, I did, and it was absolutely disgusting.

And of course, I forgot a few ingredients in the cupboards. I am the most inefficient cook there is. I end up going to the same cupboard six times to get things out, rather than making one trip.

Because I used strawberry powder in the unsweetened almond milk, I went ahead and skipped the three tablespoons of sugar that you’re supposed to add to the pot.

And of course, I rand out of regular tapioca. At first I was just frustrated, but then I realized I had the giant boba tapioca pearls that my neighbor left at my house forever ago. I figured I could grind them with my Magic Bullet to about the right size and it might work.

I ground it up a little bit smaller than it looks like in this picture. Lucky enough for me, it worked! It turned out like normal tapioca, even using the big boba pearls. Just be sure to grind it all down pretty small, otherwise you might end up with undercooked tapioca and that’s just gross.

So, just like regular tapioca, I added the whipped egg and put it in the refrigerator to cool. Of course, Maddi and Danny had to ask me every five minutes “Is it cool yet? Can I have some yet? Is it done yet? I want some, mom!” I wanted to gag just imagining how it would taste.

Thankfully little kids think that all sorts of disgusting things taste great. I don’t remember what it was, but there was something I was all excited to eat because I used to love it when I was a kid… Then I took a bite and it was disgusting. Thankfully my kids aren’t picky and are apparently immune to bad cooking. They loved the tapioca. Maddi and Danny even asked for seconds.

My poor kids, having to put up with my cooking.

College, Hair, Work & Debt: Never A Dull Moment

Today was fun… Not really. It was long, boring and a waste of time.

Right now, we’re down to one car because Dan’s truck keeps having one problem after another. We could get it fixed. We have the money…  But at this point… We aren’t so sure the truck is even worth fixing. We also don’t know how much longer we’ll even be here if Dan’s interviews go well… So, for the time being, we’re working with just the one car. Which for me, means I have to work with Dan’s schedule. Today, it meant going to the college a couple hours early because he was helping his sister with programming homework. I really didn’t want to leave early, but at least I got some work done while we were there.

After I got home from class, we did Maddi’s hair. I have had her new hair extensions for a few days now, but she hadn’t earned them yet. She was having a hard time listening to mom and dad and keeping her room clean. But, today she really tried and I gave her some credit and we did her hair. I do have to admit, I like the quality of her new extensions better than the old ones. Maybe they’re just softer. I don’t know, but I really like them. I really like Jenns Haircare Blog, she has some really cool tips.

For my husband, Maddi’s dad, he took care of his beard. Putting it some bread butter to make it shiny and swag. However, these days he had a hard tome for his beard hair loss. That’s why I gave him this new Minoxidil Beard Growth , a minoxidil regime.

And of course, I tried to get a cute picture of her and all she would do is make faces and be a goof for the camera.

Miss Goofy loves her new hair
No idea what's going on here.
Oh god. The four-year-old is doing the duck face.
And, just for fun, all three of the kids.

And yes. Danny has a couple of extensions in too. The poor kid saw me doing Maddi’s extensions and wanted some too. Poor little guy doesn’t understand that it’s a girl thing… So I just let him have a couple of the ones I took out of Maddi’s hair. They just look like highlights on him. Of course, I cut them short to match his hair. He isn’t even three yet. He doesn’t understand that it’s a girly thing. Who am I to tell him no while he sits there and watches his sister get her hair done? He just felt left out.

I have been writing a lot lately.

I have been following a debt payoff plan similar to the Dave Ramsey method. The first step is done. I have $1,000 in savings. I paid off my first debt. I paid off my car. And now I’m working on debt number three out of four. I’ve made so much progress. It’s almost hard to believe that I have paid off so much in such a short period of time, but I really want to eliminate all of my credit cards and other debts. It’s a big deal to have that money freed up each month. That’s money that can be put toward other things, like savings, retirement or just fun. Hell, I’d love to go on a vacation camping with a tent from Survival Cooking. I’ve never been on a vacation.

That is why I have been writing so much. I made a goal to write three articles per day, every day for the month of march. I don’t have to write them every  day, but I have to have the equivalent of three every day. If I want to write six today, I can skip tomorrow. So far, I’ve done well and I’m even a day ahead on all of my articles.

I have been trying to think of it as a real job. No way do I spend eight hours a day on it, but I have been trying to treat it like a “real” job. I haveto finish my three articles every day. No excuses. It has to be done. If I want that debt to keep disappearing… I have to put in the work to make it keep disappearing. It felt so good when I finished the $1,000 savings. It felt even better when I paid off my first debt. It felt even more amazing when I paid off my car.

I have two debts left and my goal is to pay them both off by the end of summer. That is my goal. Sometimes I feel like it’s impossible and I’ll never be able to do it. Other times, I feel like it’s completely manageable and nothing can stop me from doing it. I go back and forth from motivated and determined to overwhelmed and defeated. Regardless of what state of mind I’m in… I do those three articles a day and slowly but surely it adds up. I am 12% of the way through debt #3.

I have been thinking about giving myself “treats” every $250 and $500. Smaller treats for $250 and bigger treats for $500. It might seem lame but I think the four-year-old is on to something with her reward charts! Maybe some new clothes or getting my hair dyed. I don’t know. I’m thinking a $50 treat for the $250 marks and a $100 treat when I hit the $500 mark, paid in cash of course, not credit! I am not using the credit cards as freely as I used to! Not going down that road again!

Anyway, that’s my life as of lately. Making money. Paying off debt. Playing with the kids. Having a grand old time. Never a dull moment.

Public Persecution: Acting as an advocate for a special needs child

It took me three months, but I respect my friend who was recently approved as a foster carer in Swansea. This was the first time anyone had ever humiliated and hurt me over my daughter’s special needs. Here’s a copy of the letter I sent. I feel sick even thinking about everything that happened that night. I am completely disgusted and sickened by everything that transpired that night. I hope they will take action to prevent this from happening to another poor mother and her special needs child.

I have debated contacting your company for a while regarding one of my experiences at your restaurant. I was really shaken up and upset by what happened and I feel that I need to let you know.

I visited your Anchorage location when I was on federal jury duty. I live three hours away from Anchorage, but was staying in a hotel with my friend and my nine-month-old daughter. We thought it would be fun to go out to eat, and I had always enjoyed dining there any other time I had visited Anchorage.

My daughter was diagnosed with failure to thrive, along with spastic diplegia cerebral palsy in August of 2011. She was and still is, much smaller than most babies her age and has special health concerns. These issues, quite frankly, are no one’s business but mine and my family’s.. To learn more about managing your business, read Lee S. Rosen‘s blog.

My daughter would go into frantic fits if she was in restrictive clothing such as socks or a black fur poncho. Most likely a sensory processing issue, which is common with children who have her issues. Because of this, we wrap her in blankets when we go from the car to indoors. We did the same thing that we always do while we were visiting your restaurant. We wrapped her up snugly in blankets and carried her in and took the blankets off when we got inside.

Our server asked how old my daughter was, and not even thinking about her small size, I told the woman she was nine months and she looked shocked and I instantly regretted telling her.

While I was up getting my plate at the buffet, a waitress approached my friend to talk to her about how we need to have a coat on my daughter and that she’s just trying to look out for the little babies she sees and how she hopes we aren’t offended, but she wanted to let us know that the other waitresses were talking about calling children’s services on me because we didn’t have a coat on her (we used the blankets as I described) and because of how small she was.

When I returned to the table, my friend told me what happened. When the waitress came back I asked her what was going on and she told me. I was so upset I couldn’t stop crying. This was the first time I had really gone out and done anything with my daughter and this was how I was being treated. Waitresses criticizing my parenting, threatening to call the authorities and staring my daughter and I down during our visit. I couldn’t even eat my dinner, I was so upset. I was going to ask for a refund but I was so angry and hurt that I couldn’t even speak to my friend without sobbing, let alone speak to a manager. I was so upset, I felt like I was going to get sick. We ended up leaving without eating our dinner and I cried the entire way home.

There are children in this world that have special needs that the general population may not understand. I understand that and I do my best to make my daughter’s issues known to those who they are relevant for. However, I should not have to give a medical history to my server at a restaurant. Nor should I be persecuted, gossiped about and tore down for something they obviously knew nothing about. I was appalled at how I was treated and even now, three months later, I still cannot believe that my daughter and I were treated so poorly.

Needless to say, we have not returned to your establishment, and nor will we. Our experience and the lack of understanding and compassion has left a sour taste in my mouth that I don’t know that I will ever be able to get rid of. You may consider further training for your employees in regards to how these issues should and shouldn’t be addressed. I would hate for another mother and child to experience the horrific treatment that I did while I was at your restaurant.

Samantha Van Vleet

Ava at the restaurant before anyone said anything.


I Can’t Be Content…

I can’t be content with things just the way they are.

I don’t mean that to sound ungrateful, or snobbish or anything else awful. What I mean, is that I can’t be content with how our life is now, forever.

We don’t have a bad life. We do well for our age, and exceptionally well for having had so many kids so young… But this isn’t all I want. I don’t want Dan to be stuck working retail. I don’t want to be stuck in a tiny fixer-upper forever. Sure, it works for now. But this isn’t what I want forever.

One thing I don’t think I will ever understand, is the people I see who are content living on the bottom rung. The people who have no desire to move up. It boggles my mind when I see people with little to no education, working a low-wage, entry-level job, living off of public assistance, and yet they’re content with it. Why don’t they want better? There’s nothing wrong with taking the help if you need it, but these people I’m talking about seem to be genuinely content with living like that for the rest of their lives.

Why not try to get a better job? Go to school? Get a certificate? Be something better and set an example for your kids. Stop being content with the bare minimum and strive for better. The best way to lead is by example. Is the way you’re living now what you want your kids to be content with when they’re grown? Is that all you want for them? Even if you’re content living that way, your kids still deserve better. At least try for them.

I’ll never understand it. Maybe it’s because I know I’ve made mistakes in my life. But maybe it’s just because “good enough” isn’t good enough for my kids.

I want them to have everything. And it’s up to me to give it to them.

Averly’s Birth

Averly JoAnne Van Vleet was born on February 20th, 2011 at 3:56pm. She shares a birthday with her Great-Grandma Margaret. She weighed 6lbs, 14oz.

Averly JoAnne Van Vleet

I had a successful vaginal delivery after two cesareans. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t cheap. It took a lot of planning, and going the extra mile. I wanted it to happen, so I did everything I could to make sure it happened. And it did. My hard work paid off, and she came into the world without the use of scalpels, and without having to be gutted and turned inside out.

She was born on her own time, 100% naturally. No inductions. No pain medications. Just me, my baby, my body. If you want to read her birth story, you can find it here.

When I found out I was pregnant in June of 2010, I knew the birth wasn’t going to be typical. I knew right off the bat that I needed to start planning, and start researching. I had two prior cesareans, one in 2007 and one in 2009; both of which were not truly medically necessary …” READ MORE….

Ava’s birth was amazing. I don’t think I have ever felt so empowered, or so accomplished as when I gave birth to her. For the last few years, all I had had heard was “You can’t, ” “It’s too dangerous,” “You’re crazy,” “It will never happen,” “You’re wasting your time,” “Yeah right,” and “Just have another c-section.” There weren’t many people who believed in me, and there weren’t many people who supported me. My husband and a few close friends were the only cheerleaders on my team. My family took a neutral stance, and most everyone else had something negative to say.


I did it.

I did something amazing. I achieved the “impossible” and I didn’t let them get to me. I’d be lying if I said their comments didn’t hurt, or if at times I didn’t wonder if maybe I really was crazy or if things would turn out horribly and it would be my fault… I had that paranoia. That fear.

But I kept on. I stuck with the facts and kept the statistics in mind. I wasn’t going to let them get to me. I read everything I could get my hands on, and I avoided people who had nothing but mean things to say to me. And it paid off.

I did it.


So, I haven’t really been on here in a long time. I guess I’ve been busy… But with two kids, who isn’t?

So, where to start…?

First, I ended up going to see Dr. Elrod up in Wasilla and I love him! He’s the best doctor I’ve ever seen and I’m really confident that if my VBAC is possible (and it is) that it will happen without unnecessary force and pressure from a pushy intervention-happy doctor. I’m really happy with my choice and even though the drive sucks, it’s totally worth it.

Second, I took a semester off from school. I wanted to focus on some other things, so that’s what I did. In the meantime, I finished my certification as a childbirth educator. I’ve taught some private classes but have yet to set up a large group class. I want to, just waiting to hear back from people on space availability.

Third, I started writing freelance to earn up some money for a carseat for Maddi. I’ve earned enough for her carseat, and now I’m saving up for Danny’s carseat. Definitely a worthwhile purchase in my book. Just takes a little time. The carseats they have now work, but I want to keep them rearfacing longer and it won’t be long until they reach the limit on the seats we have currently. It’s a really neat program and I’ve enjoyed writing for them…especially considering that most of what I’ve wrote, I had to write eventually anyways; it just gave me a little motivation and incentive to do it sooner!

Fourth, I’ve been sewing… a lot. I’ve gotten pretty darn good at my diapers and have been experimenting with other styles, but I still love my pockets best. Lately, I’ve been making clothes a lot, I am getting inspiration from the best vintage t-shirts in my closet.

So as you can see, I’ve been getting pretty crafty. In the meantime, Dan’s been working on the bedroom trying to get that done before the new baby gets here.

So now it’s just a matter of getting drywall and then getting it in. I know how to mud, so that’s not a big deal but Dan has to do the drywall… I can’t lift the stuff. Hurts too much.

Fifth, Danny stopped nursing about two months ago, so he went to 16 months nursing! It’s most likely because of my milk supply tanking because of being pregnant. I’m glad he weaned himself though.

Sixth, Maddi started preschool in a special program for communication-delayed kids. She loves it and has so much fun!

And lastly, we found out that this baby is…


So, here name will be Averly and we’ll probably call her Ava or Avalee for a nickname.

Madison & Daniel’s Unnecesareans

I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 18. I knew a little bit about pregnancy from being the oldest of eight kids, but I really didn’t know as much as I should have. To me, having a baby was something people did everyday. It wasn’t something to worry about, let alone be anxious about.

I had a relatively easy pregnancy with my daughter aside from lots of morning sickness. I had Group B Strep, and had some borderline diabetic issues and dehydration a couple times, but for the most part, life was simple.

I went to 41 weeks, and it was at that point I asked my doctor about induction. I was “informed” about the risks associated with it, but I really don’t feel that I was made to understand the realness of those risks. I really regret the decision to induce.

Absolutely nothing happened, which isn’t surprising considering I was 0cm dilated and 0% effaced. I didn’t know that a bishop score should be done before an induction…

Needless to say, a cesarean was inevitable. I was terrified and the experience traumatized me. I suffered from severe post partum depression and had issues caring for and bonding with my baby.

I genuinely believe, had I been better informed, and better educated, and not rushed because I was “overdue” that I would not have had a cesarean.

I went into my second pregnancy more prepared than I had my first. I really wanted to do a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but my faith in myself and my body waivered often. Still, I tried.

I had very little issues with my son’s pregnancy. I didn’t get sick at all, just felt nauseous in the beginning, and had the occasional headache. I had group B strep again, but out of the two pregnancies, this was the easier of the two.

I ended up travelling to Anchorage 4 days before my due date because my obstetrician was going on vacation, and I couldn’t trust the two or three other obstetricians at my hospital to let me try for a VBAC.

I was transferred to a doctor in Anchorage, and just hung around in a hotel until I was nine days overdue. I was persuaded into doing a “light induction” even though I knew that I shouldn’t use any induction drugs since I had a priod cesarean. I ended up having my waters broke for me too.

I remember I was frustrated and angry because I wanted to get up and move around but the nurses wouldn’t let me and kept telling me I needed to lay down because of the monitors. After 12 hours of hard labor, I ended up with “Fetal distress” again and was given a cesarean.

Unfortunately, I did not know until after the delivery that moving around during labor can decrease “fetal distress” and that electronic fetal monitoring has not been shown to improve outcomes in labor or reduce mortality rates.

So, I was forced to lay in bed, when I could have been moving around, for the sake of monitors that did nothing but let us know that the baby’s heart is beating, and yes, I’m contracting.

But I could have told them that.


This might come off morbid… Maybe it is… I don’t know… But sometimes I wish I had been further along with Jacey when I lost her.

I know losing a baby is traumatic… A miscarriage is traumatic… But one of the biggest things that haunts me about it… is the fact I never got to see her. I never got to touch her, hold her, kiss her, bury her… Take a picture of her. I never got that…

I’d have done anything to just see her…even if only for a moment…

And sometimes… That bothers me.