Madison & Daniel’s Unnecesareans
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I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 18. I knew a little bit about pregnancy from being the oldest of eight kids, but I really didn’t know as much as I should have. To me, having a baby was something people did everyday. It wasn’t something to worry about, let alone be anxious about.
I had a relatively easy pregnancy with my daughter aside from lots of morning sickness. I had Group B Strep, and had some borderline diabetic issues and dehydration a couple times, but for the most part, life was simple.
I went to 41 weeks, and it was at that point I asked my doctor about induction. I was “informed” about the risks associated with it, but I really don’t feel that I was made to understand the realness of those risks. I really regret the decision to induce.
Absolutely nothing happened, which isn’t surprising considering I was 0cm dilated and 0% effaced. I didn’t know that a bishop score should be done before an induction…
Needless to say, a cesarean was inevitable. I was terrified and the experience traumatized me. I suffered from severe post partum depression and had issues caring for and bonding with my baby.
I genuinely believe, had I been better informed, and better educated, and not rushed because I was “overdue” that I would not have had a cesarean.
I went into my second pregnancy more prepared than I had my first. I really wanted to do a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but my faith in myself and my body waivered often. Still, I tried.
I had very little issues with my son’s pregnancy. I didn’t get sick at all, just felt nauseous in the beginning, and had the occasional headache. I had group B strep again, but out of the two pregnancies, this was the easier of the two.
I ended up travelling to Anchorage 4 days before my due date because my obstetrician was going on vacation, and I couldn’t trust the two or three other obstetricians at my hospital to let me try for a VBAC.
I was transferred to a doctor in Anchorage, and just hung around in a hotel until I was nine days overdue. I was persuaded into doing a “light induction” even though I knew that I shouldn’t use any induction drugs since I had a priod cesarean. I ended up having my waters broke for me too.
I remember I was frustrated and angry because I wanted to get up and move around but the nurses wouldn’t let me and kept telling me I needed to lay down because of the monitors. After 12 hours of hard labor, I ended up with “Fetal distress” again and was given a cesarean.
Unfortunately, I did not know until after the delivery that moving around during labor can decrease “fetal distress” and that electronic fetal monitoring has not been shown to improve outcomes in labor or reduce mortality rates.
So, I was forced to lay in bed, when I could have been moving around, for the sake of monitors that did nothing but let us know that the baby’s heart is beating, and yes, I’m contracting.
But I could have told them that.
The lazy, breastfeeding, mommy-machine.
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Maddi, money, pregnancy | Leave a Comment
So, I’m really BAD about updating lately. I guess it’s mostly because I just feel so darn lazy lately. I’m keeping up with school, and that’s about it. I guess we all go through these little funks at one point or another. Just my turn I suppose.
Things are going well. Danny is crawling like crazy. He’s acting kind of weird though, I guess it’s more normal that weird… But still. He FREAKS out like the world is about to end if I put him down. Heck, if I even grab underneath his armpits like I *might* put him down, he freaks out. He just wants held, ALL the time. And it’s just crazy to me! I can’t be holding a baby 24/7! My carriers have come in handy though, because I can pop him in there and just wear him while I do things, and he’s happy as a clam. It just gets annoying when he starts grabbing at my face… He’s got sharp little finger nails and he rips my lips open when he grabs them. I don’t like that.
Maddi is starting to talk more, which is cool, but sometimes annoying. Now that she’s figured out she can say things to get things, she automatically assumes that if she says it, then she’ll get it. Hah! I think not. No, Maddi. You can’t have soda, cookies, candy and ice cream for breakfast.
We also got Maddi’s big girl bed set up. My mom got it at the dump… But it was in great condition and was in the set aside pile… It just needed a couple of the rods bent back into shape. My grandpa did that, and now its great. We didn’t set it up for awhile, and just left it outside, but now its up. We still have the crib set up next to it, just to remind her that if she gets up out of bed and throws a fit, then she gets to sleep in the crib… Sometimes that reminder works, sometimes it dosen’t.
I started up a new website, all about breastfeeding and breast milk donation! If you’re a nursing mom or know a nursing mom, you should check it out. http://www.breastmilkdonation.com we’re having a breast pump giveaway, and there’s even a section on the site for free baby feeding supplies… Things like formula, bottles, nursing pads, etc.
I still have baby fever. Which I’m really bummed about. I don’t want another baby right now. The plan was when Danny was around two years old, but then we did our taxes and we got this home purchase credit, but in order to keep it, we have to stay in our home for three years… And Dan dosen’t want another baby until we’re out of this home and in a bigger one… Meaning, Danny will be around 3 1/2 before I get to have another baby. 
I really didn’t want to wait that long. It feels like forever from now!
Anyways, that’s about all on my end.
Photos…Because I’ve Been Holding Out.
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Love, Maddi, photos | Leave a Comment
I haven’t treated you guys to any photos in a while. So, here’s some to get your fix.
Chelsea, Maddi & Danny the day she left. We miss her!
I'm mentally challenged like that.
Where yo polar bears at?!?!
I love this photo.
Danny and chelsea, cuddled up!
Danny fell asleep on his Auntie Allie.
Danny Opening a Gift... or rather, just playing with the bow and drooling.
Aunt Tori helping Maddi open a present!
Danny's idea of milk and cookies on christmas eve.
It was tough actually getting her to open any presents after the first!
I made a hoodie for her. It's supposed to have a deer applique...but it looks like a cat.
I made a funky retro skirt for allie. Had anti-drug slogans all over it!
Danny loves the boobs.
Danny with Marlene's Dad at the Christmas Party
My ABSOLUTE favorite photo of Danny.
Danny playing with one of Rex's toys.
My neice, Kayleigh
Taking a bath in the sink when the tub got clogged!
He can take her!!!
Staph, Strep, Weight, Adoption, Conception, Car, Debt, Oh my.
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Health, Maddi, money, pregnancy | Leave a Comment
I’ve been kind of lazy about updating lately. Sorry. My bad.
Things are going better on this end. Danny is feeling MUCH better, which I am super thankful for. I was so worried about him. Turns out he had the staph AND a strep infection at the same time. Definitely not cool. I’m just glad he’s okay.
On a lighter note, my little guy has a tooth! It’s just a teensy weensy tiny little thing, but it’s still a tooth. You can’t really see it, because it’s just the tip, and its barely out of the gum, but its there! It’s exciting but it makes me sad at the same time. He’s almost nine months old. It’s about time he got some teethers going!
Maddi is speaking much better. She still has issues pronouncing things, and trying to use words (she prefers to whine and cry… which she doesn’t get away with anymore). She just has to stop being lazy. She dosen’t like using words, and it’s pretty obvious she’d rather just grunt and get what she wants… But that doesn’t float anymore, not that it did before, but we’ve become much more strict about the no-whining-and-grunting-policy.
I’m struggling with my weight again. Don’t really know what else to say on that subject. Except that I’m struggling and I feel like I’m huge. Regardless of what everyone says and what my husband thinks. I know I’m not fat, in my logical mind. But I also know everyone’s lying when they say I’m not fat. I hate these feelings. But I knew they’d be back eventually, and quite frankly, I’m tired of fighting it. I knew that as soon as danny needed me less for nourishment, that this is what would happen.
On a much happier note, Dan was working our taxes… and I’m freaking excited. We’re going to get enough back to pay off ALL of our debt, AND have some left over. Which is awesome. I’m excited. I can’t wait. We’ll be able to pay off EVERYTHING (except the house). So this means, credit cards, collections, and our car! I’m so flipping excited. This is going to make our lives MUCH easier. Maybe we can even start building up a savings.
On top of that, I’m thinking I might adopt our next child. I’ve been putting a great deal of thought into it. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I’m thinking I will. I’d really like to. I may, I may not. We may decide to try for our own, or adopt. I know we’ll adopt eventually, but we may or may not adopt our next child. It depends on how much we’ve saved up, and whether we’re in a bigger house, or what not.
Anyways, that’s my blurb.
The Terror of Pregnancy
Filed Under Contemplative, Danny, Health, Jacey, Love, Maddi | 2 Comments
When I was in Anchorage with Bre several months back, getting Maddi’s social security number, I picked up a couple pregnancy journals. The first one, I did it for Maddi all about my pregnancy with her. Ironically, I worked on most of hers during my pregnancy with Danny. Today, I started working on Danny’s.
It’s kind of funny how I found out I was pregnant. Bre and I had been living in an apartment together in Kenai. It was this really trippy, bomb-shelter, underground apartment. Tiny, studio apartment.
I had some pregnancy tests leftover from when I lost Jacey. And I don’t even know why we decided to take them, but we did. Probably because they had the droppers to put the pee on the test so it was kind of like a science experiment. I remember Bre saying something like to that effect.
We took the tests and left them in the bathroom. I don’t really remember what we did after that, but we got distracted. We ended up going on a walk down to paradisos and getting chicken wings, and later that evening, Bre went in the bathroom and next thing I know she calls out to the living room, “Umm… Sam? You know you’re pregnant, right?” I went in there and sure enough, my test was positive. I asked her “You sure that ones not yours?” and she just laughed at me and said “I’m sure.”
I don’t remember what went through my head. Shock? Maybe it was because I didn’t really think I was pregnant. I had logical reasons to suspect, but after what happened with Jacey, I was for sure there was something horribly wrong with me and that every little sign and symptom was just my imagination working overtime. After all, you can’t get pregnant so soon after losing a baby… can you?
I was filling out the journal, and the prompt was “When I found out I was pregnant, my first feeling was:” and I just stopped for a moment.
My first thought wasn’t even a thought. It was a swirling cloud of eighty thoughts hitting me all at once. I couldn’t even logically separate the thoughts or isolate them and figure out what I was feeling. All I was feeling was the emotion and feelings behind the thoughts. I couldn’t put words to them. I couldn’t say happy, sad, scared, excited. I was just feeling the intensity of it all instantaneously and simultaneously. It was all very confusing, and very frightening.
I feel guilty for that. Shouldn’t a mother-to-be’s first thoughts be something more special, or hell, even slightly less plural and a great deal less contradicting of each other? I felt guilty knowing that my first thought wasn’t something the typical response from elated new mothers. I felt guilty for not jumping for glee and exclaiming for everyone to hear “Oh my gosh! I’m going to be a mommy!”
I felt guilty because if I had to pick, my first thought was:
“What if this baby dies too?”
I never really thought of it like this. Not until today. Not until I started filling out my pregnancy book for Danny. I never made the connection before. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to, or maybe I just avoid thinking about it and so the obvious didn’t jump out at me like it could have? It’s hard to see something if you spend your life pretending its not there. The allegory of the cave.
When I filled out Maddi’s book, my answers were pretty simplistic. Happy, excited, typical expectant mother dribble. The only thing less than “a baby story” typical in Maddi’s book was that she wasn’t planned. But everything else was.
“We were so happy!” “I couldn’t wait to find out if you were a girl or a boy.” “Daddy and I wondered what you’d look like.” “I gained a lot of weight.” “Everyone was so happy.” “I fell in love with you when I saw you at the first ultrasound.” “I couldn’t wait to meet you face to face.”
As I continued filling out sections of Danny’s book, I kept seeing how vastly different my entries for him were compared to my entries in Maddi’s book. Maddi’s book was full of what I call, “sunshine and rainbow” statements. And with Danny’s… I may not have wrote them, but I realized that every positive feeling I had about the pregnancy, was shrouded in fear.
I wasn’t picking out names. I wasn’t ooh-ing and ahh-ing over all of the cute baby clothes. I wasn’t having planning special ways to share the joyous news. I wasn’t excitedly awaiting my first doctor’s appointment so I could catch my first precious glimpse of my baby on the ultrasound.
I was wondering if my baby would even get a legal name. I was wondering if I’d ever get a chance to put my baby in clothes. I was wondering how long I needed to hide my pregnancy until it was “safe” so I wouldn’t have to endure the heart-wrenching pain of explaining that my child died everytime someone unsuspectingly asked how the pregnancy was going. I was terrified of my first ultrasound because I was afraid they would tell my my baby was dead.
Everything I did terrified me. For even the simplest actions I took, I would rationalize and debate every possible consequence or reprecussion there could be. Making even the simplest decision was enough to throw me into tears because no matter what choice I made with anything, I was, in my mind, convinced that something horrible would happen. And no matter how healthily I lived, somehow, somethng would go wrong, and the end result would be the same.
I would have another dead baby.
It didn’t matter to me that I had Maddi, not for argument’s sake. The fact I had a healthy child and pregnancy in the past meant nothing. It wasn’t credible evidence in my arguments with myself. It was a fluke. Somehow something happened and I got lucky with her, but never again. The mindset I was in, was that I had only a one in a trillion chance of having a healthy baby. I hit it once with Maddi, and there was no way I could beat those odds a second time. I was doomed.
Only now, after filling out some of the sections of that book, do I realize how much I took for granted when I was pregnant with Maddi. I was “depressed” that they couldn’t tell me if she was a girl or boy at only 12 weeks. I was pouting about looking pudgy instead of pregnant. I don’t think that the thought that anythng could possibly go wrong with my baby or pregnancy even crossed my mind. The potential for something terrible happening wasn’t even on my radar. How naive and stupid I must have sounded. How naive and stupid I was. If only I had been aware of the terror pregnancy can truly bring.
Even now, I worry. I’m not pregnant, nor do I intend to become so for a while, but whenever I even entertain the thought of having another baby in the future, or daydream about it, I’m filled with fear. I want more children, more than anything in the world, but even if Dan were to tell me tonight, “Let’s try for another baby.” I don’t think I could. Even with as much as I bug him and whine and pout to him about how I want another baby… I don’t think I could go through with it. I’m so terrified of something going wrong, something happening to my baby, that I don’t know if I could put myself through that again, and if we hadn’t gotten pregnant with Danny immediately after I lost Jacey, I can’t say that I would have tried to have another baby. It’s one thing for me to say I want another baby, and to genuinely want another, which I do, but it’s completely different to jump from talking and wanting, to actually doing. I really want more babies, more than anything in the world… But I’m terrified. Even just thinking about it now. It terrifies me. To the point I just want to cry. I’m so scared of it happening again and I don’t know if I could handle it. I really don’t.
Dietary Revolution
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Health, Maddi | Leave a Comment
Danny started being incredibly fussy when he was around four and a half to five months old. I just comforted him the best I could, and kept breastfeeding him. Around month five, I started debating giving him food, because I thought that maybe he just needed more than breastmilk, but I withheld, and dealt with the fussiness, worked on increasing my supply and nursing him more often than I had been.
Right before he turned six months, I noticed he would get more fussy whenever I had milk. It sparked an idea that maybe he has a dairy sensitivity. I talked to my sister-in-law, Tasha about it because my nephew that I babysit, Rex, has a dairy sensitivity. I thought maybe it was a genetic thing. Rex has a dairy sensitivity, and so does my husband, and one of my little sisters did too, so it only made sense that was what could be wrong. So, I cut out my dairy. He seemed to improve a little bit, but he was still fussing an awful lot.
At six months and some odd days old, I started him on rice cereal and baby fruits. He LOVED it! Everyone knows how fun it is to feed babies new foods for the first time ever! He absolutely adored it! We started vegetables, and meats too. And when we ran out of rice cereal, we started using baby oatmeal. (I had 15 boxes of unopened baby oatmeal and rice leftover from when Maddi was a baby! Good thing I saved it.) I made all of my own vegetable and meat baby foods though because frankly, all the baby foods that come in jars except for fruit, taste disgusting. And at first, it was okay, but he started getting fussier, and fussier.
He got fussy to the point he would scream these high pitched SHRIEKING screams. Constantly. He’d scream so loud no noise would come out for a few seconds, and he’d get super red in the face. And it was like this all day and all night. It was terrible, and it still is. We’ve really only had one decent night of sleep in the last six weeks. On top of the sleep deprivation, I was getting really depressed. I felt like I wasn’t a good mom, because he wasn’t just screaming, he was MISERABLE. I hate seeing my baby upset, and I hate seeing him in pain. Sometimes, when he screams like that, and nothing will calm him down, I feel like a failure and I just want to cry. It breaks my heart in a way I can’t even describe, to see him in pain.
I took him to the doctor, but that really didn’t help any. They just shrugged their shoulders and said to put him on a sensitivity formula… And any of you who know me, know I would NEVER do that to my little man. If he’s having trouble with breastmilk, there’s no way adding formula will help! And not to mention I wouldn’t feed that garbage to him anyays. So, I pretty much ignored the doctor. Some people might think that’s dumb, but Danny’s my baby. And a lot of doctors are quick to endorse and encourage formula. So, that was pretty much a wasted appointment.
I posted on a couple parenting message boards about his strange behavior. Everyone recommended stopping solids altogether and going back to exclusively breastfeeding. I was considering doing that already, but hearing so many people recommending the same thing just made me more confident in the decision. So, he’s been back on JUST breastmilk for four or five days, and there has been slight improvement.
Yesterday, one of the moms on the message board suggested a gluten/wheat allergy. And it made sense! Especially when I made the connection that he hadn’t been AS fussy when we were using the rice cereal, but got worse when we introduced oatmeal. There were some babies at the daycare I used to work at when I was pregnant with Maddi who couldn’t have gluten or wheat! And their behavior when they DID have it, was a lot like Danny’s is. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.
So, I cut out wheat and gluten starting yesterday. I tell you… It’s tough! It’s so crazy how many things wheat and gluten are in. I had a boyfriend in high school who was allergic to wheat and gluten and it drove me nuts because he couldn’t ever eat anything with me! It was so hard to find things that he COULD have, and going out to eat was even more difficult. I remember thinking, “Man, I’d hate to have to eat like him…” and now, here I am, following the same diet.
So yeah. And on top of that, Dan and I made a bet that I couldn’t go vegan for an entire month. I researched it a lot, and I really feel like going vegan is something I might make a permanent change, you know? I really feel strongly about it, and I don’t want to support a very horrible and inhumane industry. If I raised, or hunted or caught the animal myself, or know it came from a GOOD place and was respected throughout its life, then I’m okay with it. But I can’t bring myself to eat the meat of animals who were tortured, direspected and abused.
So, needless to say, I’ve been learning a lot. I made eggplant parmesan with soy mozzarella, and candied oranges and home made veggie burgers today. I can tel you, it’s definitely been a learning experience.
But yeah… The vegan part isn’t too difficult. It’s the gluten and wheat part that’s horrible.
Ahh, the things I don’t do for my children….
Salvation Army Angel Tree
Filed Under Danny, Family, Maddi, friends, money | 2 Comments
Okay. So, Dan and I are pretty freaking broke this year. So, I signed up for the Salvation Army Angel Tree program, and got approved for it, which was awesome. They sent us a letter confirming our appointment time to come in and pick out gifts for our kids, and the letter said it had to be presented in order to be allowed to “shop.” So, I put the letter in the drawer so I wouldn’t lose it.
Anyways, night before the appointment, I decided to set everything out since I’d have to get up early and didn’t want to forget anything. And then I check the drawer for the letter and it’s not anywhere to be found. I ramsacked the house. And our house isn’t that big! I even grabebd some gloves and went through five or six bags of nasty ucky trash! And I still couldn’t find it. I ended up crying. I was pretty upset.
I called them at 1 in the morning, hoping they had a voicemail and I could leave a message explaining my problem, but they didn’t have an answering machine. So, I got up around 6:30-7am (after going to bed at 3:30am) and picked up Chelsea, hung out at my grandparents for a little bit, and then sat outside the Salvation army family services office for half an hour until they opened.
While we waited, there were some Nikiski firemen there picking up boxes, so Chelsea and I helped them carry all their boxes to their truck. Might as well help someone, right? We were just sitting in the car doing nothing…
So they open at 10, and don’t get out there for anyone until around 10:30. I talk to a guy and he goes and talks to the lady in charge, comes back and tells me that if I have my photo ID, then they can do it. I was so relieved. I just about cried.
So Chelsea and I got to go through and pick two toys and a couple outfits out for each kiddo. Maddi got a hat and scarf set, and Danny got a hat. And Maddi got some bracelets, and Danny got a little wooden truck. Maddi got a doll and some foam bath letters that stick to the sides of the tub, and Danny got a wooden cube that you push little wooden shapes into, and a wooden emergency crew set with a wooden ambulance, fire truck and police car. And Maddi got a pair of shoes, and an outfit and Danny got two outfits. 
It’s not much, but it’s sooo much more than we would have had! And I really appreciate that the people in our community do this kind of thing. I felt bad accepting it at first, but you know… I can make it up later. When I have money, I can give some to the bellringers at the holidays or something, so they can help some other family who is in the position I am now in the future.
But…
I still can’t believe I dug through six bags of trash! UGH!
What being a teenage mother has taught me.
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Contemplative, Danny, Family, Health, Love, Maddi, pregnancy | 6 Comments
What amazes me, is how often I see girls, only fifteen, sixteen or seventeen years old who want to have babies. I’m not talking want, in a one-day-in-the-future-tense, but want as in now, and soon. And just as often, I see girls the same age, who are already pregnant and they may think they know enough about babies through babysitting, or helping with siblings, but really, they have no idea what its like.
Everyone says that pregnancy is the easy part, having the baby is the tough part, but it’s not. Pregnancy is just as difficult. I see pregnant girls, even ones in their 20′s and 30′s, slamming red bull like it’s water, and eating tuna and deli meat like it’s going out of style! Not to mention poping ibuprofin everytime they get an ache or pain. All of which can be detrimental towards the baby’s health.
These girls don’t know that having an epidural can affect your baby’s ability to breathe, or even to breastfeed after birth. They don’t know that having an epidural increases your chance of a cesarean section. They don’t know that getting induced nearly doubles your chances of a cesarean section. They think that its “safe” for the baby to be born at 37 weeks, and by golly, they want that baby out ASAP! They don’t know that even at 37 weeks, that poor little baby could be born with premature lungs and suffer immensely because they didn’t get those last few weeks in utero to help their brain and lung development. They don’t know that, in the majority of cases, it’s best to let the baby decide when it’s ready to meet the world.
I then see these same women and girls, a few months after having had their babies, popping a bottle of formula into the poor baby’s mouth, claiming they “couldn’t” breastfeed. When in reality, only 2% of women cannot physically breastfeed. So, why are almost all of these girls bottlefeeding? My only attempt at a guess is that they were misinformed. Uneducated about the subject. Sure, you see breastfeeding PSA’s on television, and the WIC office tries to encourage breastfeeding, but we need to provide more in depth education on breastfeeding. So many babies end up suffering because of this. Babies were meant to drink human milk! So, why are mothers so surprised when their babies have reactions to formula? I’ve had women look at me shocked when I tell them my son hardly ever spits up. I can count on one hand how many times he’s spit up on me in his six months of life. And it’s no wonder, because breastfed babies spit up less.
I see these girls, who before or during the pregnancy had a boyfriend or fiancee around, but as soon as that baby entered the picture, the father of that child flew the coop. Or even worse, they ditched the girl as soon as she found out she was pregnant. Often times, these same guys refuse to pay child suport, and in most of the cases I’ve seen, don’t even spend time with their child. Let alone, help care for its daily needs. The girl thought she was in love. She thought it was forever, but sadly, in most cases of teenage pregnancy, forever really means “until I get tired of it.”
I got lucky. I really did. And the funny part is, I wasn’t expecting to get lucky. I thought I’d be raising my baby alone. The pregnancy was unintended, as 80% of teenage pregnancies are. I never for a second thought he would actually marry me. After all, 8 out of 10 fathers of teenage girl’s babies DON’T marry them. When he proposed, I was hesitant. And even though we got married, it wasn’t easy. We almost didn’t make it through our first year of marriage. But, he loved our baby and was incredibly devoted to her. Again, something that isn’t very common among the men involved in teenage pregnancies. I graduated high school a few months after she was born. That’s something only 1 in 4 teenage mothers actually do. I’m in college, and by the end of summer, I should have an associate’s degree. That’s something that only 1.5% of teenage mothers accomplish by age 30. And, like 80% of teenage mothers, I had a second baby within two years of the birth of my first baby. But, unlike 80% of teen mothers, I have never been on welfare.
Hows that for statistics?
I got lucky in a lot of areas. I have a lot more support than most teenage mothers do. My husband works and provides for us, so I don’t have to. I can spend my time with my children instead of paying a daycare to raise them. I might not be a good story to scare girls away from getting pregnant, but even with all of my “lucky” things, it’s still hard. There are days I don’t want to do anything, but I have to.
When I’m sick, and puking, I still have to manage to comfort my kids who, most likely, are sick and puking too.
When I’m tired, and have been operating on only 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I still have to do my homework. And anytime I consider just saying “forget it all.” and taking an F, I get these intense pangs of guilt. What kind of mother am I if I don’t do everything possible to take care of my kids and give them the best? That includes educating myself, so that by the time they’re old enough to remember, they’ll never know we struggled.
When I have money, I can’t spend it on myself. Especially when there’s food to buy, clothes to buy, bills to pay.
I have to watch my diet, and avoid any and all dairy or my son will stay up all night with horrible gas, and I won’t get any sleep at all.
I can’t let the laundry go a day, because we use cloth diapers. If you would have asked me two years ago, I would have never even considered using cloth diapers, but when you’re forking out $250 dollars a month (that you need for food) just on diapers and wipes, it starts to be worth it…Regardless of how gross it is. Not to mention, my son dosen’t get hardly any rashes when we use cloth vs. disposable diapers.
I have to care for my children, even when I’m in pain. I had my apendix out, and the day after I got home from the hospital, I had to forego the pain meds I really needed, in order to take care of my children and make sure they were well cared for.
I had to have two medically necessary cesarean sections. The first one, because it would have killed both of us if I went into labor with her, the second because my son’s heartrate was erratic. Because of that cesarean, my ability to have many more kids in the future, is limited, unless I can successfully have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with my next child.
And these are just the physical tolls having children takes on you. The emotional tolls are even greater… but usually only on mothers who care.
It’s hard not being able to give your child everything. When you have your baby, you feel this overwhelming sense of love. Sure, before you have them, you know you love them, you know they’re important, but I don’t think it really hits you until they take their first breath and you realize this perfect little person is completely reliant on you. You are everything to them. It breaks my heart when I know there’s things I can’t give my kids, or things I wish I could.
I may not be perfect, but I do my best. And for now, that’s all that counts.
Resolve to a Difficult Day
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Love, Maddi, friends, sewing | 4 Comments
So, yesterday was terrible. Like, on-the-verge-of-tears-and-tempted-to-go-hide-under-a-rock-forget-my-name-and-never-come-out kind of terrible.
I don’t really know what started it. I just remember, I started getting stressed right before Dan left for work. I was cleaning up the kitchen, and Maddi kept getting under my feet, even though I kept telling her to go to the living room. After trying to hold a conversation with Dan, and repeatedly telling Maddi to go to the living room because she was making me trip all over her, I got really mad and I yelled at her. I felt really bad afterward, because she cried and looks down like she was scared and upset.
The house was really messy. I get really depressed and down in the dumps anytime the house is too messy or disorganized or sloppy looking. I don’t know why. I just know that if it’s too messy, it’s a one-way ticket to a crappy day for me. So, I spent most of my day cleaning.
I wanted to work on schoolwork, but when I went to log on to the system, it was down and it said it wouldn’t be back up until Wednesday morning.
I put Maddi down for her nap, and as usual, she started crying and pitching a fit. I forgot to give her the herbal stuff we use (Tranquil Child by Oregon Harvest) to help her calm down and mellow out before bed. The effects are similar to sleepy-time tea… It’s not drugs or anything, just some stuff to help her mellow out, peppermint and chamomile. Anyways, I forgot to give it to her.
Anyways, while Maddi was in bed, Danny was crying and fussing like crazy. I think he’s starting to teethe. I’m not sure, but he’s had a lot of fits recently, where nothing makes him happy. He just screams. Cuddles don’t work. Boobs don’t work. Baths don’t work. Chewing on a spoon that we put in the freezer ahead of time seemed to help for a little bit, but that was short lived. I gave him some ice cold water in a bottle. He seems to enjoy the cold water, but again, only short lived relief. So, he was SCREAMING for almost four hours. Not just crying. Not just fussing, but screaming.
There’s two things I hate about when he cries like that. The first, is that it breaks my heart to hear him scream like he’s in pain and hurting. I usually end up with watery eyes and about to cry when I hear him like that and I can’t fix it. I hate it when my baby is in pain. I love him too much to see him hurting like that. The second, is that it makes me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I’m a failure of a mom. My baby is miserable and unhappy, and I can’t fix it. It makes me feel like it’s all my fault which is depressing. I hate feeling like that.
I want to be a good mom. I really do. But I feel like lately, no matter what I do, nothing is right and I’m not a good mom. I want to be, and I’m willing to learn, but where am I supposed to learn from? I never really had any kind of stable or consistent parenting growing up. Everything I do with my kids comes from here and there, and this and that. It’s all a guessing game. I don’t like making my kids into guinea pigs. I don’t like having to test out different disciplines on them, and feel like I still have no clue what I’m doing.
I really want to get this parenting program called “Love & Logic.” It’s supposed to be really good. I’ve read a lot of good reviews on it and I’ve heard a lot of my own friends and family rave about it. I really want to get it. It’s just a matter of saving up the money for it. It’s not too terribly expensive ($70) but I don’t have $70, you know? So… It is a lot when you don’t have it. I just know I’m not happy with how discipline is in our house, and I don’t like how she reacts to our disciplinary measures. I feel like it’s going nowhere, and there has to be a better way… I just haven’t found it yet.
Anyways, back to the story. Danny was still screaming, and I just put him back in his rocker because I was about ready to start crying myself. Sometimes, you just get to a point you feel like you can’t handle it, and that’s when you just put them down somewhere safe and let them cry. Nothing I was doing was working or even helping, and you can only do so much before it starts to wear on you. So, I put him down and went to get Maddi up from her nap.
I step into the bedroom and before I even look at her, I can smell it. Her diaper is on the floor (surprisingly, clean, nothing in it.) and there’s poop smeared from one end of the crib to the other. Globs and streaks of nasty, stinky, raunchy poop. I know this sounds bad, but given a choice between the two, I’d choose Danny poop any day because Maddi’s is just disgusting and horrible. I started crying. This is the third time she’s done this since we moved into the house. It’s a pain to clean, and having to lean over the crib to clean it after having abdominal surgery isn’t an easy task.
I picked her up out of the crib, took her straight to the bathroom and gave her a cold shower. It wasn’t really cold. More like slightly under lukewarm. She hates showers as it is, and I figured, if it’s not comfortable for her, she might learn from it. She CANNOT keep doing this and I CANNOT handle the continuation of her doing this. Thankfully this time, most of the poop was spread all over the mat that comes out of the bottom of the crib. I made her help clean it. Of course, I had to go over it after, but I made sure she got to lean over, scrub it and smell it while she cleaned. She cried the whole time, but she has to learn she can’t do things like that! Poop is NOT the same thing as paint and I’m sorry, I know it’s my job as Mom, but I do NOT want to keep cleaning up her shit!!! LITERALLY!
Throught this whole shower, scrubbing and crying thing… Danny is still screaming. Maddi then refused to eat, and I just said forget it, and put her right back in bed. If she couldn’t behave, I wasn’t about to deal with it when I was so stressed and upset.
I finally got Danny to calm down enough to nurse. Which was good, because it seemed to really relax him. He went to sleep. I tried to put him back in his rocker, but anytime I moved him away from my boob, he started to whimper, so I just let him snuggle with me.
Dan came home. He brought some of those yummy Van der Kamp fish filets and a bunch of madrin oranges. Kind of cheered me up. I cooked the fish, and some peas, and got Maddi up out of bed so she could see Daddy. I felt bad for just putting her in bed, but I needed a breather.
We all ate dinner together. It was nice, and relaxing. It felt good. She even ate all her vegetables with very little coaxing. We had to help a little, but she did it! She even babbled at us during dinner, talked a little, and we let her have some of Dan’s chocolate soy milk and a mini 3 musketeers candy bar after dinner. We put Maddi back in bed, and she didn’t put up too much of a fight (after all, it was really late).
Dan had brought home a movie. “The Ugly Truth.” I liked it. We watched it together. Had a sweet night. Cuddled up together afterwards. Then, Danny woke up, and I laid down and fed him. He snuggled up on me, and just nursed and cuddled almost the entire night. Normally, he dosen’t just snuggle up. He’ll try to play or move around a ton, but not this time. He passed out on my boob.
That’s one thing I love. When he falls asleep on me like that. It just makes everything okay. No matter how bad my day is, when he snuggles up on me and just lays there with me, quiet and close, it makes everything feel to much better.
It was a hard day. I won’t lie. I cried a lot. It sounds stupid, especially since all the things that went so wrong might seem trivial, but it was a really rough day.
Then, this morning, I got to sleep in. Courtesy of my amazing husband. And then, instead of getting up in a bad mood, I decided today would be a good day.
I tried logging onto the school’s system but their outage was extended until Friday. At first it kind of upset me, but I decided, it’d just have to be okay. I went in the kitchen and made waffles for my little girl and my husband. We had brunch together as a family and just hung out together until Dan had to go to work.
I spent the day with my kids. I cleaned up the house. I got some laundry done. I picked up Chelsea from school and she came over and spent some time with us. We mad dinner. Salmon, cheesy mashed potatoes, corn and brownies. Chelsea and I made some of the mocha frappuccinos for Dan. We watched Ice Age 3. Then, we took Chelsea home, and when we got back, I sewed a few sets of nursing pads and experimented with some designs and different ways of sewing them, and I finally settled on one.
I took some photos and even added the listings to my online boutique. Speaking of which, I have been working on setting it up. For anyone who wants to take a peek at what the boutique page looks like, click here. I’ve been working on it. It’s not done, but it’s getting closer to being ready.
I think… What I’ve gathered from this… is that sometimes, it’s really easy to get worked up and wrapped up in the unimportant things that don’t really matter. Sometimes the people causing you stress and upsetting you so much, are the same people who can make you feel better and melt that stress away. And sometimes, you just have to decide you’re going to have a good day, or at least a better day, and hold yourself to it.
Yesterday, was complete and utter hell… But it got better towards the end. And today might not have been perfect, but it was better. I found some positivity in it, and that’s something special. Something to be proud of. Yesterday, there was no light at the end of the tunnel… But last night, I realized there was… I was just going down a hill, and for a moment, couldn’t see the light. But it’s still there. And I’m going to be okay.
My un-life and appendix-less self.
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Health, Maddi | 4 Comments
I’m in freaking pain.
I haven’t updated in a while…. So, long story short, I had to have my appendix taken out sometime last week. I honestly, don’t even remember what day it was or how long I was in the hospital thanks to the lovely affects of morphine. And unfortunately, I had a hard time getting the doctor to give me the pills that DON’T make me incredibly over emotional and nauseous.
Anyways, they did the “less invasive” laproscopy procedure, but it still hurts like hell. Probably dosen’t help that the only real place Danny likes to kick me when he’s upset is where one of their alien probe tools was stabbed inserted into my stomach. It dosen’t look bad from the outside (I’ll post pictures later) but I can feel the path that its swollen in underneath. And it dosen’t really feel good. Feels swollen, bruised and all around OUCH.
I haven’t even contacted my professors yet. I probably should. I will. Once I can scan my paper from the hospital so I can send them a copy… I don’t want it looking like I’m just after extensions (I’ve had quite a few this semester due to health/kids health).
Anyways… I feel like crap. I really want to take some of my pills, but unfortunately, I can’t until Dan gets home. Which sucks even more because he dosen’t get home until 8:30-9:00 and I wanted my car today (because I was supposed to have some help, so I needed to be able to pick them up but that fell through) and since Dan’s car is still at the hospital, I have to go pick him up from work and take him to the hospital to get his truck. >.<
And right now? I don’t even want to think about the insane workload of schoolwork I need to do.
And now, I’m just depressed as hell. I’m in pain. I need to catch up with some crap. And I just can’t because I don’t have the help I need. I’m falling behind and just everything fucking sucks.
And Danny, he’s starting to crawl… kind of. He’s putting his butt in the air, like they do for a while before they start crawling… So, it’ll be anytime now. And I’m happy, but at the same time it depresses me. He’s my baby… And he’s not going to be my baby much longer, you know? He still breastfeeds, and even when offered bottles or tastes of things, always wants me over everything else… And that feels good… But it’s only going to last so long until he turns into Maddi and doesn’t care about Mommy anymore.
I wish… I could clone myself and advance the aging process on said clones.
Or hire a nanny/maid. Which ever’s cheaper.
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