Increasingly Severe Back Pain

I don’t know how many people I’ve actually told about my back issues, but if I haven’t, then I am now.

I haven’t had back pain for a long time. I mean, I had the occasional back ache here and there just like anyone does, but I never had true back pain until I was pregnant with my son. It wasn’t too terrible until the end, but I mostly attributed it to part of being pregnant. I was carrying my son much differently than I had carried my daughter. My daughter widened me side to side, while my son widened me front to back. I figured this difference in positioning was to blame for the pain.

The pain was especially bad right after my sons birth. I had labored for 11 hours before having a cesarean. Honestly, I think I could have delivered him vaginally had I had more support, but I was tired, and in pain, and I gave in and gave up. Next time, I will have a doula. No ifs ands or buts. But like I said, I labored for 11 hours, then delivered via cesarean.

I don’t think the cesarean is to blame for my back pain. The pain isn’t located near the epidural site. The pain is actually lower, near the lumbar vertebrae, starting with the part of my spine level with the illiac crests of my hips.

When he was first born, it just ached. It would feel better if I put my hands on my lower back, and leaned back and popped it. I tried not to, but my back would hurt so bad, and it would “lock up,” where I couldn’t move and falling asleep became painful. I usually only popped my back once a day. Then, it would be fine for a while. But it progressively got worse. It got to where I couldn’t pop it how I normally did, and I discovered if I laid down on my stomach and bent my knees and moved my legs slowly (so that my feet touched my bum) and then kind of arched my back, that it would pop, and I could have some kind of temporary relief. However, just like before, it got to the point it hurt too much.

It got to the point that whole area of my spine just hurt. It was tender, it ached, and any kind of movement that directly or indirectly affected that area of my back was uncomfortable and I tried to avoid it. When my back locked up, I couldn’t really pop it anymore because it hurt too much. If I tried, I would end up almost crying.

To top it off, I slipped on our amazing Alaskan ice a couple weeks ago, and ever since, the pain has been almost ten times worse.

So, when I was at the doctor for my monthly check up (I’m on Ritalin, so I have to have a monthly check up) I told them about it. I had been on a small dose of pain medication for it beforehand (I usually only took it one or two times a week when the back pain was worse than normal), but it wasn’t bringing any kind of relief, so I made the decision to ask about it. I asked about being referred to a chiropractor, because I’ve heard a lot of good about them, but they wanted to order an x-ray first to make sure it wasn’t something to do with a fracture or bone placement. So, I had the x-ray done, and I’m waiting for them to call me and tell me what the results are. They did talk about doing an MRI to see if it’s something to do with the muscles, but I really don’t think it’s muscular. I mean, it could be, but I really feel like it’s a bone thing.

They prescribed me a higher dose of the pain medication, and combined it with a muscle relaxant, and gave me these pain patch things in the meantime. The combination works and it does help alleviate the pain, but I don’t want to be taking/using them forever. I’m really hoping the x-ray will give them a better idea of what’s wrong with it, and hopefully, whatever it is, is treatable and repairable. I really don’t like the idea of having to depend on these medications just fir my back not to hurt. It makes me nervous. My mom has really bad back problems, so I can’t help but worry that I’m going to as well. I’m 21. If it’s bad now, what’s it going to be like when I’m 40?

On top of that, I plan on trying for another baby in the next year or two, and I really don’t want to be in horrible back pain when I’m pregnant. Being pregnant is hard enough, you know? I don’t want to have back problems when I’m pregnant. So, getting all of this cleared up and figured out before I get pregnant is probably a good idea.

Wish me luck, and pray that the doctors are able to help me.

Staph, Strep, Weight, Adoption, Conception, Car, Debt, Oh my.

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Health, Maddi, money, pregnancy | Leave a Comment

I’ve been kind of lazy about updating lately. Sorry. My bad.

Things are going better on this end. Danny is feeling MUCH better, which I am super thankful for. I was so worried about him. Turns out he had the staph AND a strep infection at the same time. Definitely not cool. I’m just glad he’s okay.

On a lighter note, my little guy has a tooth! It’s just a teensy weensy tiny little thing, but it’s still a tooth. You can’t really see it, because it’s just the tip, and its barely out of the gum, but its there! It’s exciting but it makes me sad at the same time. He’s almost nine months old. It’s about time he got some teethers going!

Maddi is speaking much better. She still has issues pronouncing things, and trying to use words (she prefers to whine and cry… which she doesn’t get away with anymore). She just has to stop being lazy. She dosen’t like using words, and it’s pretty obvious she’d rather just grunt and get what she wants… But that doesn’t float anymore, not that it did before, but we’ve become much more strict about the no-whining-and-grunting-policy.

I’m struggling with my weight again. Don’t really know what else to say on that subject. Except that I’m struggling and I feel like I’m huge. Regardless of what everyone says and what my husband thinks. I know I’m not fat, in my logical mind. But I also know everyone’s lying when they say I’m not fat. I hate these feelings. But I knew they’d be back eventually, and quite frankly, I’m tired of fighting it. I knew that as soon as danny needed me less for nourishment, that this is what would happen.

On a much happier note, Dan was working our taxes… and I’m freaking excited. We’re going to get enough back to pay off ALL of our debt, AND have some left over. Which is awesome. I’m excited. I can’t wait. We’ll be able to pay off EVERYTHING (except the house). So this means, credit cards, collections, and our car! I’m so flipping excited. This is going to make our lives MUCH easier. Maybe we can even start building up a savings.

On top of that, I’m thinking I might adopt our next child. I’ve been putting a great deal of thought into it. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I’m thinking I will. I’d really like to. I may, I may not. We may decide to try for our own, or adopt. I know we’ll adopt eventually, but we may or may not adopt our next child. It depends on how much we’ve saved up, and whether we’re in a bigger house, or what not.

Anyways, that’s my blurb.

Danny’s really sick and I’m scared…

Filed Under Danny, Health | 3 Comments

I’m really freaked out about this. We took Danny to the doctor on Monday because his poop had turned into really thick, mucousy, forest-green slime. Like… fish-slime thick. And it smelled really foul. He’s still exclusively breastfed, even though he’s eight months old, so any of you who are familiar with breastfed babies, know that’s not normal. It’s not normal for a baby NOT breastfed. My husband thought I was just worrying too much, but I took him in anyways. They wanted to do a stool sample, so they sent me home with a jar (they forgot to give me a popsicle stick, so I had to use a spoon). I had to wait almost twelve hours before he pooped again, and then took it into the hospital when the kids and I went to pick my husband up from work (his truck is having problems).

So, then that night, Danny gets REALLY hot. And we co-sleep so I notice these things pretty quickly. I didn’t really think it was a big deal, but I decided to take him to the ER because when I checked him, his fever was 102.6. We go in and all they do is give him some ibuprofin and then send us home! They didn’t do any blood draws, or stool samples, or urine collection or anything. They just looked at me like I was an overprotective mommy who was getting worried for nothing.

So, we take him home and start him on a regimen of alternating ibuprofin and tylenol. This keeps his fever down, but as soon as it starts to wear off, his fever jumps right back up to 102-103, and has continued to do that for well over 24 hours.

Last night and today, he’s been breathing funny. I think it’s just because he’s so worn out and tired. He’s sick and not feeling well, and his nose is boogered up. But I decided to take him into the doctor again to make sure his lungs are okay. They are, thank goodness, but we get some bad news while we’re in there. They got the culture results from his stool sample and he has staph in his stools, which means he has an internal staph infection.

I don’t really know much about staph, but everything I’m gathering from my doctor and my family and friends and various resources online are telling me it’s pretty serious. They immediately started him on antibiotics four times a day, but told me they may switch the antibiotics when they find out exactly what strain of staph it is.

So, I had to take Danny back into the hospital to get his blood drawn, his throat swabbed and a pee-bag put over his winky. He screamed like crazy, but he calmed down as soon as the needle was in his hand (go figure). I feel so terrible. He’s so miserable. He dosen’t really want to nurse, and even his voice sounds different. And his cry too.

I feel horrible and I keep worrying that something bad is going to happen to my baby. I couldn’t handle it if it did and it scares me to think that it’s even a possibility.

The doctors were supposed to call me with the results of the labs as soon as they got them, but they didn’t call. I called them at 4:30 and they still hadn’t gotten them. I’m going to call again first thing in the morning and see if they got them back or not. I’m thinking about asking to have him admitted for IV antibiotics if it’s a bad-bad strain, because he’d get better sooner with IV antibiotics. I’m not a fan of poking my baby with needles, but this is really scaring the living daylights out of me…

The Terror of Pregnancy

Filed Under Contemplative, Danny, Health, Jacey, Love, Maddi | 2 Comments

When I was in Anchorage with Bre several months back, getting Maddi’s social security number, I picked up a couple pregnancy journals. The first one, I did it for Maddi all about my pregnancy with her. Ironically, I worked on most of hers during my pregnancy with Danny. Today, I started working on Danny’s.

It’s kind of funny how I found out I was pregnant. Bre and I had been living in an apartment together in Kenai. It was this really trippy, bomb-shelter, underground apartment. Tiny, studio apartment.

I had some pregnancy tests leftover from when I lost Jacey. And I don’t even know why we decided to take them, but we did. Probably because they had the droppers to put the pee on the test so it was kind of like a science experiment. I remember Bre saying something like to that effect.

We took the tests and left them in the bathroom. I don’t really remember what we did after that, but we got distracted. We ended up going on a walk down to paradisos and getting chicken wings, and later that evening, Bre went in the bathroom and next thing I know she calls out to the living room, “Umm… Sam? You know you’re pregnant, right?” I went in there and sure enough, my test was positive. I asked her “You sure that ones not yours?” and she just laughed at me and said “I’m sure.”

I don’t remember what went through my head. Shock? Maybe it was because I didn’t really think I was pregnant. I had logical reasons to suspect, but after what happened with Jacey, I was for sure there was something horribly wrong with me and that every little sign and symptom was just my imagination working overtime. After all, you can’t get pregnant so soon after losing a baby… can you?

I was filling out the journal, and the prompt was “When I found out I was pregnant, my first feeling was:” and I just stopped for a moment.

My first thought wasn’t even a thought. It was a swirling cloud of eighty thoughts hitting me all at once. I couldn’t even logically separate the thoughts or isolate them and figure out what I was feeling. All I was feeling was the emotion and feelings behind the thoughts. I couldn’t put words to them. I couldn’t say happy, sad, scared, excited. I was just feeling the intensity of it all instantaneously and simultaneously. It was all very confusing, and very frightening.

I feel guilty for that. Shouldn’t a mother-to-be’s first thoughts be something more special, or hell, even slightly less plural and a great deal less contradicting of each other? I felt guilty knowing that my first thought wasn’t something the typical response from elated new mothers. I felt guilty for not jumping for glee and exclaiming for everyone to hear “Oh my gosh! I’m going to be a mommy!”

I felt guilty because if I had to pick, my first thought was:

“What if this baby dies too?”

I never really thought of it like this. Not until today. Not until I started filling out my pregnancy book for Danny. I never made the connection before. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to, or maybe I just avoid thinking about it and so the obvious didn’t jump out at me like it could have? It’s hard to see something if you spend your life pretending its not there. The allegory of the cave.

When I filled out Maddi’s book, my answers were pretty simplistic. Happy, excited, typical expectant mother dribble. The only thing less than “a baby story” typical in Maddi’s book was that she wasn’t planned. But everything else was.

“We were so happy!” “I couldn’t wait to find out if you were a girl or a boy.” “Daddy and I wondered what you’d look like.” “I gained a lot of weight.” “Everyone was so happy.” “I fell in love with you when I saw you at the first ultrasound.” “I couldn’t wait to meet you face to face.”

As I continued filling out sections of Danny’s book, I kept seeing how vastly different my entries for him were compared to my entries in Maddi’s book. Maddi’s book was full of what I call, “sunshine and rainbow” statements. And with Danny’s… I may not have wrote them, but I realized that every positive feeling I had about the pregnancy, was shrouded in fear.

I wasn’t picking out names. I wasn’t ooh-ing and ahh-ing over all of the cute baby clothes. I wasn’t having planning special ways to share the joyous news. I wasn’t excitedly awaiting my first doctor’s appointment so I could catch my first precious glimpse of my baby on the ultrasound.

I was wondering if my baby would even get a legal name. I was wondering if I’d ever get a chance to put my baby in clothes. I was wondering how long I needed to hide my pregnancy until it was “safe” so I wouldn’t have to endure the heart-wrenching pain of explaining that my child died everytime someone unsuspectingly asked how the pregnancy was going. I was terrified of my first ultrasound because I was afraid they would tell my my baby was dead.

Everything I did terrified me. For even the simplest actions I took, I would rationalize and debate every possible consequence or reprecussion there could be. Making even the simplest decision was enough to throw me into tears because no matter what choice I made with anything, I was, in my mind, convinced that something horrible would happen. And no matter how healthily I lived, somehow, somethng would go wrong, and the end result would be the same.

I would have another dead baby.

It didn’t matter to me that I had Maddi, not for argument’s sake. The fact I had a healthy child and pregnancy in the past meant nothing. It wasn’t credible evidence in my arguments with myself. It was a fluke. Somehow something happened and I got lucky with her, but never again. The mindset I was in, was that I had only a one in a trillion chance of having a healthy baby. I hit it once with Maddi, and there was no way I could beat those odds a second time. I was doomed.

Only now, after filling out some of the sections of that book, do I realize how much I took for granted when I was pregnant with Maddi. I was “depressed” that they couldn’t tell me if she was a girl or boy at only 12 weeks. I was pouting about looking pudgy instead of pregnant. I don’t think that the thought that anythng could possibly go wrong with my baby or pregnancy even crossed my mind. The potential for something terrible happening wasn’t even on my radar. How naive and stupid I must have sounded. How naive and stupid I was. If only I had been aware of the terror pregnancy can truly bring.

Even now, I worry. I’m not pregnant, nor do I intend to become so for a while, but whenever I even entertain the thought of having another baby in the future, or daydream about it, I’m filled with fear. I want more children, more than anything in the world, but even if Dan were to tell me tonight, “Let’s try for another baby.” I don’t think I could. Even with as much as I bug him and whine and pout to him about how I want another baby… I don’t think I could go through with it. I’m so terrified of something going wrong, something happening to my baby, that I don’t know if I could put myself through that again, and if we hadn’t gotten pregnant with Danny immediately after I lost Jacey, I can’t say that I would have tried to have another baby. It’s one thing for me to say I want another baby, and to genuinely want another, which I do, but it’s completely different to jump from talking and wanting, to actually doing. I really want more babies, more than anything in the world… But I’m terrified. Even just thinking about it now. It terrifies me. To the point I just want to cry. I’m so scared of it happening again and I don’t know if I could handle it. I really don’t.

Dietary Revolution

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Health, Maddi | Leave a Comment

Danny started being incredibly fussy when he was around four and a half to five months old. I just comforted him the best I could, and kept breastfeeding him. Around month five, I started debating giving him food, because I thought that maybe he just needed more than breastmilk, but I withheld, and dealt with the fussiness, worked on increasing my supply and nursing him more often than I had been.

Right before he turned six months, I noticed he would get more fussy whenever I had milk. It sparked an idea that maybe he has a dairy sensitivity. I talked to my sister-in-law, Tasha about it because my nephew that I babysit, Rex, has a dairy sensitivity. I thought maybe it was a genetic thing. Rex has a dairy sensitivity, and so does my husband, and one of my little sisters did too, so it only made sense that was what could be wrong. So, I cut out my dairy. He seemed to improve a little bit, but he was still fussing an awful lot.

At six months and some odd days old, I started him on rice cereal and baby fruits. He LOVED it! Everyone knows how fun it is to feed babies new foods for the first time ever! He absolutely adored it! We started vegetables, and meats too. And when we ran out of rice cereal, we started using baby oatmeal. (I had 15 boxes of unopened baby oatmeal and rice leftover from when Maddi was a baby! Good thing I saved it.) I made all of my own vegetable and meat baby foods though because frankly, all the baby foods that come in jars except for fruit, taste disgusting. And at first, it was okay, but he started getting fussier, and fussier.

He got fussy to the point he would scream these high pitched SHRIEKING screams. Constantly. He’d scream so loud no noise would come out for a few seconds, and he’d get super red in the face. And it was like this all day and all night. It was terrible, and it still is. We’ve really only had one decent night of sleep in the last six weeks. On top of the sleep deprivation, I was getting really depressed. I felt like I wasn’t a good mom, because he wasn’t just screaming, he was MISERABLE. I hate seeing my baby upset, and I hate seeing him in pain. Sometimes, when he screams like that, and nothing will calm him down, I feel like a failure and I just want to cry. It breaks my heart in a way I can’t even describe, to see him in pain.

I took him to the doctor, but that really didn’t help any. They just shrugged their shoulders and said to put him on a sensitivity formula… And any of you who know me, know I would NEVER do that to my little man. If he’s having trouble with breastmilk, there’s no way adding formula will help! And not to mention I wouldn’t feed that garbage to him anyays. So, I pretty much ignored the doctor. Some people might think that’s dumb, but Danny’s my baby. And a lot of doctors are quick to endorse and encourage formula. So, that was pretty much a wasted appointment.

I posted on a couple parenting message boards about his strange behavior. Everyone recommended stopping solids altogether and going back to exclusively breastfeeding. I was considering doing that already, but hearing so many people recommending the same thing just made me more confident in the decision. So, he’s been back on JUST breastmilk for four or five days, and there has been slight improvement.

Yesterday, one of the moms on the message board suggested a gluten/wheat allergy. And it made sense! Especially when I made the connection that he hadn’t been AS fussy when we were using the rice cereal, but got worse when we introduced oatmeal. There were some babies at the daycare I used to work at when I was pregnant with Maddi who couldn’t have gluten or wheat! And their behavior when they DID have it, was a lot like Danny’s is. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.

So, I cut out wheat and gluten starting yesterday. I tell you… It’s tough! It’s so crazy how many things wheat and gluten are in. I had a boyfriend in high school who was allergic to wheat and gluten and it drove me nuts because he couldn’t ever eat anything with me! It was so hard to find things that he COULD have, and going out to eat was even more difficult. I remember thinking, “Man, I’d hate to have to eat like him…” and now, here I am, following the same diet.

So yeah. And on top of that, Dan and I made a bet that I couldn’t go vegan for an entire month. I researched it a lot, and I really feel like going vegan is something I might make a permanent change, you know? I really feel strongly about it, and I don’t want to support a very horrible and inhumane industry. If I raised, or hunted or caught the animal myself, or know it came from a GOOD place and was respected throughout its life, then I’m okay with it. But I can’t bring myself to eat the meat of animals who were tortured, direspected and abused.

So, needless to say, I’ve been learning a lot. I made eggplant parmesan with soy mozzarella, and candied oranges and home made veggie burgers today. I can tel you, it’s definitely been a learning experience.

But yeah… The vegan part isn’t too difficult. It’s the gluten and wheat part that’s horrible.

Ahh, the things I don’t do for my children….

Waiting to Try… But pouting while I wait.

Filed Under Contemplative, Danny, Family, Health, School, house, money | 2 Comments

I really want to have another baby. I don’t know why, but for the last two months or so, I’ve just had this BURNING baby fever. It sucks.

I know I can’t have another baby right now. The first reason, is because my little guy is only seven months old and he was born via a cesarean, so obviously, I need to wait and allow my body to heal more, that way I can attempt another VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).

The second reason, is money. We’re kind of broke right now, and debt is pretty consuming at this point. It’s not very easy to deal with and it just kind of sucks all around, you know? We need to get out of debt.

Third… I need to get my associate’s degree finished. And get better grades next semester. I did pretty crappy this last semester, which sucks… But what else can I do, you know? Between all the medical problems I had last semester (my son was hospitalized with RSV, I got the swine flu and I had my appendix out) I just didn’t do so hot.

Fourth… Space. We don’t have ROOM for another baby. We live in a one bedroom house. It’ll have two bedrooms soon… but the second bedroom is INCREDIBLY small, and long. So… We need more space before we can actually think of having more kids… Especially since we have a boy and a girl… They can’t share a room forever!

Fifth… I’m still working on certifying as a birth doula… I need to finish that training! So, it’s kind of important that I get it all done so I can start making a little money.

So, I’m coming up with goals for everything.

1. Time:
Danny needs to be 12 months before I even consider trying for another baby, and only if other goals are met!
2. Grades:
My last completed semester of school needs to have grades of all C’s and above. Hopefully chancellor’s list… But at the very least, C’s and above.
3. Money:
I need to have at least $5,000 saved up.
4. Training:
I need to finish my birth doula certification and start making money. I can’t make money to save if I don’t finish the training!

I think, if I can meet these goals then everything will go alright and we’ll be ready to try.

It sounds silly, but just typing all of this out really helped me feel better about my decision to try. And it also made it feel not quite as far away in the future as it had before I wrote it out! At least now, I have some concrete goals and a written plan that will determine when I have the go-ahead to try!

What being a teenage mother has taught me.

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Contemplative, Danny, Family, Health, Love, Maddi, pregnancy | 6 Comments

What amazes me, is how often I see girls, only fifteen, sixteen or seventeen years old who want to have babies. I’m not talking want, in a one-day-in-the-future-tense, but want as in now, and soon. And just as often, I see girls the same age, who are already pregnant and they may think they know enough about babies through babysitting, or helping with siblings, but really, they have no idea what its like.

Everyone says that pregnancy is the easy part, having the baby is the tough part, but it’s not. Pregnancy is just as difficult. I see pregnant girls, even ones in their 20′s and 30′s, slamming red bull like it’s water, and eating tuna and deli meat like it’s going out of style! Not to mention poping ibuprofin everytime they get an ache or pain. All of which can be detrimental towards the baby’s health.

These girls don’t know that having an epidural can affect your baby’s ability to breathe, or even to breastfeed after birth. They don’t know that having an epidural increases your chance of a cesarean section. They don’t know that getting induced nearly doubles your chances of a cesarean section. They think that its “safe” for the baby to be born at 37 weeks, and by golly, they want that baby out ASAP! They don’t know that even at 37 weeks, that poor little baby could be born with premature lungs and suffer immensely because they didn’t get those last few weeks in utero to help their brain and lung development. They don’t know that, in the majority of cases, it’s best to let the baby decide when it’s ready to meet the world.

I then see these same women and girls, a few months after having had their babies, popping a bottle of formula into the poor baby’s mouth, claiming they “couldn’t” breastfeed. When in reality, only 2% of women cannot physically breastfeed. So, why are almost all of these girls bottlefeeding? My only attempt at a guess is that they were misinformed. Uneducated about the subject. Sure, you see breastfeeding PSA’s on television, and the WIC office tries to encourage breastfeeding, but we need to provide more in depth education on breastfeeding. So many babies end up suffering because of this. Babies were meant to drink human milk! So, why are mothers so surprised when their babies have reactions to formula? I’ve had women look at me shocked when I tell them my son hardly ever spits up. I can count on one hand how many times he’s spit up on me in his six months of life. And it’s no wonder, because breastfed babies spit up less.

I see these girls, who before or during the pregnancy had a boyfriend or fiancee around, but as soon as that baby entered the picture, the father of that child flew the coop. Or even worse, they ditched the girl as soon as she found out she was pregnant. Often times, these same guys refuse to pay child suport, and in most of the cases I’ve seen, don’t even spend time with their child. Let alone, help care for its daily needs. The girl thought she was in love. She thought it was forever, but sadly, in most cases of teenage pregnancy, forever really means “until I get tired of it.”

I got lucky. I really did. And the funny part is, I wasn’t expecting to get lucky. I thought I’d be raising my baby alone. The pregnancy was unintended, as 80% of teenage pregnancies are. I never for a second thought he would actually marry me. After all, 8 out of 10 fathers of teenage girl’s babies DON’T marry them. When he proposed, I was hesitant. And even though we got married, it wasn’t easy. We almost didn’t make it through our first year of marriage. But, he loved our baby and was incredibly devoted to her. Again, something that isn’t very common among the men involved in teenage pregnancies. I graduated high school a few months after she was born. That’s something only 1 in 4 teenage mothers actually do. I’m in college, and by the end of summer, I should have an associate’s degree. That’s something that only 1.5% of teenage mothers accomplish by age 30. And, like 80% of teenage mothers, I had a second baby within two years of the birth of my first baby. But, unlike 80% of teen mothers, I have never been on welfare.

Hows that for statistics?

I got lucky in a lot of areas. I have a lot more support than most teenage mothers do. My husband works and provides for us, so I don’t have to. I can spend my time with my children instead of paying a daycare to raise them. I might not be a good story to scare girls away from getting pregnant, but even with all of my “lucky” things, it’s still hard. There are days I don’t want to do anything, but I have to.

When I’m sick, and puking, I still have to manage to comfort my kids who, most likely, are sick and puking too.

When I’m tired, and have been operating on only 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I still have to do my homework. And anytime I consider just saying “forget it all.” and taking an F, I get these intense pangs of guilt. What kind of mother am I if I don’t do everything possible to take care of my kids and give them the best? That includes educating myself, so that by the time they’re old enough to remember, they’ll never know we struggled.

When I have money, I can’t spend it on myself. Especially when there’s food to buy, clothes to buy, bills to pay.

I have to watch my diet, and avoid any and all dairy or my son will stay up all night with horrible gas, and I won’t get any sleep at all.

I can’t let the laundry go a day, because we use cloth diapers. If you would have asked me two years ago, I would have never even considered using cloth diapers, but when you’re forking out $250 dollars a month (that you need for food) just on diapers and wipes, it starts to be worth it…Regardless of how gross it is. Not to mention, my son dosen’t get hardly any rashes when we use cloth vs. disposable diapers.

I have to care for my children, even when I’m in pain. I had my apendix out, and the day after I got home from the hospital, I had to forego the pain meds I really needed, in order to take care of my children and make sure they were well cared for.

I had to have two medically necessary cesarean sections. The first one, because it would have killed both of us if I went into labor with her, the second because my son’s heartrate was erratic. Because of that cesarean, my ability to have many more kids in the future, is limited, unless I can successfully have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with my next child.

And these are just the physical tolls having children takes on you. The emotional tolls are even greater… but usually only on mothers who care.

It’s hard not being able to give your child everything. When you have your baby, you feel this overwhelming sense of love. Sure, before you have them, you know you love them, you know they’re important, but I don’t think it really hits you until they take their first breath and you realize this perfect little person is completely reliant on you. You are everything to them. It breaks my heart when I know there’s things I can’t give my kids, or things I wish I could.

I may not be perfect, but I do my best. And for now, that’s all that counts.

My un-life and appendix-less self.

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Health, Maddi | 4 Comments

I’m in freaking pain.

I haven’t updated in a while…. So, long story short, I had to have my appendix taken out sometime last week. I honestly, don’t even remember what day it was or how long I was in the hospital thanks to the lovely affects of morphine. And unfortunately, I had a hard time getting the doctor to give me the pills that DON’T make me incredibly over emotional and nauseous.

Anyways, they did the “less invasive” laproscopy procedure, but it still hurts like hell. Probably dosen’t help that the only real place Danny likes to kick me when he’s upset is where one of their alien probe tools was stabbed inserted into my stomach. It dosen’t look bad from the outside (I’ll post pictures later) but I can feel the path that its swollen in underneath. And it dosen’t really feel good. Feels swollen, bruised and all around OUCH.

I haven’t even contacted my professors yet. I probably should. I will. Once I can scan my paper from the hospital so I can send them a copy… I don’t want it looking like I’m just after extensions (I’ve had quite a few this semester due to health/kids health).

Anyways… I feel like crap. I really want to take some of my pills, but unfortunately, I can’t until Dan gets home. Which sucks even more because he dosen’t get home until 8:30-9:00 and I wanted my car today (because I was supposed to have some help, so I needed to be able to pick them up but that fell through) and since Dan’s car is still at the hospital, I have to go pick him up from work and take him to the hospital to get his truck. >.<

And right now? I don’t even want to think about the insane workload of schoolwork I need to do.

And now, I’m just depressed as hell. I’m in pain. I need to catch up with some crap. And I just can’t because I don’t have the help I need. I’m falling behind and just everything fucking sucks.

And Danny, he’s starting to crawl… kind of. He’s putting his butt in the air, like they do for a while before they start crawling… So, it’ll be anytime now. And I’m happy, but at the same time it depresses me. He’s my baby… And he’s not going to be my baby much longer, you know? He still breastfeeds, and even when offered bottles or tastes of things, always wants me over everything else… And that feels good… But it’s only going to last so long until he turns into Maddi and doesn’t care about Mommy anymore.

I wish… I could clone myself and advance the aging process on said clones.

Or hire a nanny/maid. Which ever’s cheaper.

Swine Flu

Filed Under Danny, Health, Maddi, photos | Leave a Comment

So, out of all of my friends, I think I was the one worried about swine flu the least. I just thought it was like the normal flu! And of course, I would be the one to get it, wouldn’t I?

Tuesday, I ran some errands in town with Danny in tow, and Maddi stayed at home with Dan while he picked up house and did a few other things. I had woken up with a sore throat, but no biggie. I grabbed some cough drops while I was in town.

By the time I got home around 2-3pm, I still felt fine except I was just unexplainably cold, despite being well dressed for the weather. I went to take a bath, and Dan was just talking to me while I soaked. He asked if I wanted him to get me any take-out and I was thinking. Food sounded good. Then when I stood up to get out of the tub, I felt like I was thrown into a kaleidescope or a lava lamp. I was seeing globs of color everywhere and I couldn’t keep my balance. I stumbled to the couch because Maddi was taking her nap in our room, layed down, and covered with as many blankets as I could reach.

I don’t know how long I slept… But as soon as I realized Maddi was up I made my way to my room, and slept more, this time in my bed. I took my temperature around 6 and it was at 101. I took a bath. Went to sleep. Took a bath. Went to sleep. I alternated between hot baths and sleeping for a little while the entire night.

My fever went up to 103 by 9pm. And I was seeing things even more. Not so much things, as giant floating globs of color coming at me. I was hot, and in the same breath I was freezing. It got to the point I couldn’t stand up at all anymore, so I crawled when I needed to move. I remember Dan was really frustrating me because I couldn’t talk, my throat hurt too much, but he kept asking me questions and getting frustrated when I wouldn’t answer or when I just said “I don’t know….” I almost decided to go to the ER.

I think I scared Maddi though, because while I was crawling between the bedroom and the bathroom she came over, whimpering, looking really concerned and just hugged me.

Dan took us to the doctor the next morning. I had swine flu. By the time of the appointment, Danny was starting to show symptoms, so they asked to see him too. He had a fever of 102 and was doing the same things I had been doing, just in baby form. The doctor ended up giving me a couple shots (with the biggest freaking needle EVER) and prescribed us both several medications that were VERY expensive.

So, we went home and recuperated. And until Friday, I felt pretty damn bad the entire time and wasn’t quite sure that dying wouldn’t be less painful that continuing to be sick like that. Especially when, as much as I love them, my two kids would NOT stop shrieking and crying and wailing all while I have a pounding days-long-hurts-to-move-your-eyes-headache…

Maddi didn’t really get it. I think she had something different. She just had a cough and a runny nose, but other than that, acted normal and didn’t get a fever or anything…. Same with Dan. He got a milk cough but that’s about it…. Lucky bastard.

Danny and I got the brunt of it. And I felt so terrible for Danny. He looked so pitiful and depressed.

Now, we’re pretty much all fine, except for the cough and sore throat, and yucky noses. But hey! At least I’m not hallucinating anymore!