Waiting to Try… But pouting while I wait.
Filed Under Contemplative, Danny, Family, Health, School, house, money | 2 Comments
I really want to have another baby. I don’t know why, but for the last two months or so, I’ve just had this BURNING baby fever. It sucks.
I know I can’t have another baby right now. The first reason, is because my little guy is only seven months old and he was born via a cesarean, so obviously, I need to wait and allow my body to heal more, that way I can attempt another VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).
The second reason, is money. We’re kind of broke right now, and debt is pretty consuming at this point. It’s not very easy to deal with and it just kind of sucks all around, you know? We need to get out of debt.
Third… I need to get my associate’s degree finished. And get better grades next semester. I did pretty crappy this last semester, which sucks… But what else can I do, you know? Between all the medical problems I had last semester (my son was hospitalized with RSV, I got the swine flu and I had my appendix out) I just didn’t do so hot.
Fourth… Space. We don’t have ROOM for another baby. We live in a one bedroom house. It’ll have two bedrooms soon… but the second bedroom is INCREDIBLY small, and long. So… We need more space before we can actually think of having more kids… Especially since we have a boy and a girl… They can’t share a room forever!
Fifth… I’m still working on certifying as a birth doula… I need to finish that training! So, it’s kind of important that I get it all done so I can start making a little money.
So, I’m coming up with goals for everything.
1. Time:
Danny needs to be 12 months before I even consider trying for another baby, and only if other goals are met!
2. Grades:
My last completed semester of school needs to have grades of all C’s and above. Hopefully chancellor’s list… But at the very least, C’s and above.
3. Money:
I need to have at least $5,000 saved up.
4. Training:
I need to finish my birth doula certification and start making money. I can’t make money to save if I don’t finish the training!
I think, if I can meet these goals then everything will go alright and we’ll be ready to try.
It sounds silly, but just typing all of this out really helped me feel better about my decision to try. And it also made it feel not quite as far away in the future as it had before I wrote it out! At least now, I have some concrete goals and a written plan that will determine when I have the go-ahead to try!
School & The Bottomless Pit Called Danny.
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, School | Leave a Comment
So, because of how crazy everything got after I had swine flu and after my appendectomy, I got kind of behind in my classes. I’m taking an incomplete in my biology class. But, the rest of them, I’m going to try like hell to make them up before the deadline (the end of this week, aka the 7th of December.) It would be soooo much easier if I had some help watching kids while I did homework, but no such luck. 
I guess I just have to try to get it all done somehow.
Danny is a complete little piggy! He went through an entire jar of baby food, and about half a can of applesauce, both mixed with baby cereal. He’s seriously a little pig! He had some peas with us at dinner too. He really seemed to enjoy those too. He’s growing so fast. He loves his boobs still, so that’s a good thing. As long as he still likes his boobs, we’re good! I’ve been pumping when he eats solids though!
Amanda had her baby. So, I guess I have a new neice now.
Anyways, I’m off to go unwind for the evening and go to bed.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse…
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Family, School | 1 Comment
Yep. Just when I thought things couldn’t get much worse….
I pretty much bombed my Anatomy midterm. I’m hoping that I at least got a D but I’m kind of doubting it. It sucks. And I’m really disappointed in myself. But at the same time, it’s not really my fault. I don’t get the help I need. Dan says he helps, and he does, to an extent. But he dosen’t help the way he could. I’m constantly cleaning up and if I’m gone for a day, i come home and everythings 10 times as bad as it was when I left. And when that happens I just don’t care. I stop caring anymore. Why the fuck should I keep doing shit if it’s going to keep getting worse and worse and no one appreciates me enough to even help a little and give me the time that i need to study.
I’m thinking about dropping out. And I feel like a complete and total hypocrite for saying it, but what else am I supposed to do? Keep throwing away money on something that I can’t even do and will amount to nothing in the end anyways? Because if I’m just going to bomb out, why the fuck am I even bothering with it?
And on top of that, my grandpa wants my breastmilk out of his freezer and so does my step-dad. I don’t know if my grandpa meant it threateningly or not, but the way he said it before he left for vacation in Wisconsin, he said he’d leave my precious milk out on the porch to melt if it wasn’t out of his freezer when he got back. And I swear to god, just the fact he would even think about doing something so horrible to something he knows is so important to me, makes me almost wonder if he really cares about me or not. To top it off, the freezer we got was used, but it worked when we got it, had ice and was frozen and everything, but apparently it dosen’t work anymore. We plugged it in, messed with it and nothing. It simply won’t work now. So, all the milk is at my father-in-law’s house now because my grandpa will be back tomorrow and we don’t have money for a freezer until January.
And on top of that, I haven’t been pumping as much milk anymore because I don’t have anywhere to put it and I think it’s affecting my moods/depression. Everything I knoew about breastfeeding is that it releases those natural “feel-good” horomones, and I’ve had to cut down on pumping drastically because there’s nowhere to put it and I could never dump it… so… Maybe that’s part of why i’m so freaking depressed lately?
In Summary
Filed Under Contemplative, Danny, Love, Maddi, School | 4 Comments
Ok. A lot has happened recently, so let’s sum it up.
- I went to my workshop in Anchorage to be a birth doula. I finished it, had a blast and now have an official title. I am now Samantha Van Vleet LSP.
- We fixed AJ’s memorial cross on the way back from Anchorage because it had fallen down. We added some more flowers, re-enforced it with nails through the center (instead of just twine) and restacked the rocks. Hopefully next time I can bring som caulking and make the rocks stick together.
- I’m catching back up with school. Still doing decently.
- I discovered the starbucks bottled mocha frappuccino recipe (it’s on the blog post before this one.)
- Maddi is talking a lot more.
- Danny sits up for a second or two by himself.
- My computer got some kind of crazy malware on it and it crashed. Thankfully I had enough time to move my files and pictures to my husbands computer and then did a factory restore on my computer.
- It’s getting colder and I hate it.
- I ordered the materials to make my cloth diapers and I’m excited for those to arrive.
- I finished two more baby carriers, and just need to take pictures and list them on the shop.
- I cut out all the peices for seven more baby carriers. Just need to order the straps.
- I’m trying to motivate my husband to get our freezer up and running so my grandpa dosen’t set all my frozen breastmilk on the porch to melt when he gets back from Wisconsin. Dan dosen’t seem to get that my grandpa WOULD do that, and then I would NEVER speak to him again.
So that’s what’s going on in a nutshell.
Other than that I’m just really depressed lately. I feel like nothings going right. I feel like a complete failure and I keep feeling really tempted to just drop out and say to hell with it. I can’t do everything. I clean. I cook. I take care of kids. I do my homework. Sewing is my hobby and I didn’t even get to do that at all for almost a month except for two nights ago. Dan seems to think doign a tiny bit of tidying up counts as cleaning, but he leaves all the intensive stuff for me. I fold laundry. Because his idea of folding laundry is sorting it into piles on the couch and leaving them there for Maddi to spread all over the house. He actually emptied out the dishwasher yesterday, but I get the feeling he only did it because I was mad and I told him to do it while I was picking up Maddi.
I just don’t see a point to much of anything anymore because no matter what I do, it’s never enough and no one cares. Dan dosen’t care. He just want HIS time free so he can “relax” all the god damn time. And by relax, I mean play his video games and watch TV. He acts like he never gets to and he’s soooo deprived, but he does it everyday.
I don’t get that. And no one cares if I do or not.
Freezing? Yes!
Filed Under Breastfeeding, Family, Love, School, house | 3 Comments
Guess who got a freezer? I DID! I was going to go buy one, and I saw an ad for one five times the size of the one I could buy brand new! So my uncle Joe and his friend who are visiting from Wisconsin, and my grandma and I went and picked it up today! It’s in good condition. Works just fine! Needs a good scrubbing, and need to buy screws to put the hinges back on… but for five times the freezer space?! Heck yes! I’m so freaking excited.
It is now my ambition to fill the entire thing up with milk!
Ha! Dan would kill me if I filled the entire thing with milk. That would be a LOT of milk. So I’ll probably just fill SOME of it up with milk. I have to finish filling up all of the medela bottles for Danny’s back up supply (I keep finding more floating around, just when i thought I had the last of them!)
Dan’s been working on a few things on the house. There’s some stuff that has to be taken care of before we can close on it and Dan agreed with the owners to help with those things. So, he spent his last day off working on that. He’s going to spend his next day or two off on it too. Hopefully it all goes good, and gets fixed up quickly!
Hopefully everything goes well. We’re 99% sure that the house is ours, but still… You never know what could happen. I just hope it all goes well and we DO get it. Otherwise we’re up the creek without a paddle!
School started. Kind of. School dosen’t really start until August 24th, but the Math course has already been posted so I started working ahead. It’s all stuff I went over and already did when I was trying to teach myself algebra… But unfortunately, I was a dumbass and threw the papers away. Ugh. I wish I would have saved them! Now I have to do them again. I’m trying to work ahead. That way I have less to stress about later!
Anyways… I’m exhausted. So I’m going to go to bed now! I want to get some more math done tomorrow before Rex comes over!
My Art Final
Filed Under School | 2 Comments
Dream Catchers
The dream catchers were originally known as “spirit catchers” and were meant to protect the bodies of the dead from being inhabited by evil spirits.
It was very important that the dream catchers be made with the person they were intended to protect, in mind.
Supplies
Metal Hoop
Fishing Twine
Colored Floss
Feathers
Small Beads
Large Beads
Hot Glue Gun
Thick Wrapping Cord
Decorative Yarn & String
White Floss
Step One: Wrapping The Hoops
Wrapping The Hoop For The Dream Catcher
The first step is to wrap the thick white cording around the metal hoop. This had to be done VERY tightly. You should NOT be able to twist the cording, or move it at all if it’s tight enough. It is advisable to use hot glue to reinforce the tightness of the cording every 3-5 inches.
Step Two: Finishing The Cording
Finished Cording
When the cord is done being wrapped around the hoop, the loose ends from the beginning piece of cord, and end piece of cord, should be tied tightly together and hot glue gunned to form a knot around the hoop, and then tied again a little further down so they create a loop that the dream catcher can be hung by when it is completed.
Step Three: Twine Webbing
Anita showing me how to do the twine webbing.
Dream catchers may have many or only a few layers of “webbing” in the center of the hoop. The dream catcher I made had three layers.
Working on the first layer of webbing (twine).
By working the twine around the hoop in a series of intricate knots and loops, and placing beads on the twine, we created the first layer of webbing.
Step Four: Second Layer Of Webbing (Multi-colored Floss)
The Second Layer Of Webbing (Multi-Colored Floss).
The second layer of webbing should be done with the multi-colored floss to create more contrast and depth in the dream catcher. Unlike the first layer, the second layer does not need beads. The second layer should be done in a patter different than the first layer. It is important to keep everything very tight as you work, or else the dream catcher may sag.
Step Five: Third Layer Of Webbing (Single Colored Floss)
The Third Layer of Webbing (Single-Colored Floss).
The third layer of webbing should be done in a single colored floss or string. The color depends on what color theme your dream catcher has. We used white for this one.
This is the final layer of webbing for the center of the dream catcher. From the very center, with the excess string, we attach beads and braided it a little to create a “friendship knot.” This makes the dream catcher more three dimensional.
Step Six: The River
The Beginning of The River
The long trails of strings coming off of the dream catcher are called the “river.” Each string is measured exactly the same length. And each cluster of strings in the river consists of 6 strands of the multicolored floss, five strands of hand-made decorative floss, 3 strands of white floss, and one strand of a larger, decorative string or yarn. We alternated what decorative string or yarn we used for each cluster in the river.
The River Begining To Grow
The river is woven in between the webbing and to hoop towards the bottom of the dream catcher. It can be very difficult to but the river clusters in place between the webbing and the hoop and takes a great deal of patience.
The Completed River
The river should cover one-quarter, to one-third of the hoop, and should be long and flowing. Once you’ve reached a width for your river that you are satisfied with, then it is time to move on to the next step. Keep in mind, the river should appear very full.
Step Seven: Accenting The River And Hoop
Accenting The River And Hoop
Using various colored feathers, we decorated the dream catcher. Feathers were easily added into the river by using strings in the river and tying them into place. Adding feathers around the hoop however, took more weaving, string, and application of hot glue.
Notes & Observations
The Finished Dream Catcher
I made my dream catcher with my daughter in mind, and I would say the colors suit her well.
I had only thought the dream catcher would take an hour or two, but we spent upwards of eight hours working on the project, between all of the steps.
The dream catchers look simple, but they are much more difficult than they appear and several times, I had to go back and undo steps to redo them again.
The Final Product
The Final Product. Gorgeous!
Pregnancy News!
Filed Under Health, Maddi, School, friends, pregnancy | 1 Comment
So, before this point, I had been seeing a certified nurse midwife for my prenatal appointments (except for the ultrasound appointments. I saw the actual obstetrician for those.) but since I’m a potential VBAC’er (vaginal birth after cesarean), I have to start seeing the obstetrician for my very last appointments. I had my first appointment with him today (aside from the two ultrasound appointments I had previously.)
He seemed pretty rushed today, but I think they were just running behind in the office. And that’s fine. I understand how it is. But he did have some good news for me! I’m officially one centimeter dilated! He said he was able to touch the baby’s head, so that’s a good indication that things are progressing! Last week at my appointment with the midwife, she said I was a fingertip, and not even a centimeter yet. So yay! This is good news! Just have to KEEP progressing. If I get to two centimeters, I bet you anything I won’t have to have a c-section!
Maybe all those herbal methods I’ve been using are starting to work, now that I’m closer to my due date? I’m still taking the evening primrose oil (orally and vaginally) and I’m drinking about 3 cups of red raspberry leaf tea a day! Yay! I’m so excited about this!
I’ve got eighteen days left! Eighteen days until my due date! It still seems like it’s ages away though! I wish it was time NOW! I just can’t stand all this waiting around stuff. It’s not any fun! I’m ready to meet my little man! And to be able to breathe again!
Anyways, I’m just excited about that. Maddi’s taking a nap right now (we’re at my grandma’s) and then I’ll be headed over to Verna’s mom’s house to do an art project for my final in my art class! Wish me luck!
Ditziness & A Lazy Day
Filed Under Health, Maddi, School, photos, pregnancy | 2 Comments
I’m such a ditz sometimes. I completely spaced that today was Tuesday, meaning I had class at 4pm online that I failed to login for. Oops. They all probably thought I went into labor or something. Gah. Today’s been a pretty braindead day for me. I’ve been trying, but I just can’t motivate myself!
I’m ready to be done being pregnant. I just want this kid out already! I have nineteen days left until my due date, but those nineteen days seem like an eternity! I’m tired of not being able to breathe or move without my hips and tailbone popping! It’s a HUGE pain, and it does NOT feel good. I’m ready to call it quits being pregnant! Plus, I really want to meet the little bugger who thinks it’s fun to run his fingers and toes along my ribs like a kid would with a stick on a wrought iron fence!
I’m STILL doing the evening primrose oil and the red raspberry leaf tea. My midwife recommended I cut back to 1 capsule a day (instead of 6, 3 vaginally, and 3 orally) but I decided to keep doing it this way. It didn’t really seem to make much of a difference at my last appointment, so we’ll see. I’m still drinking a minimum of 3 cups of red raspberry leaf tea a day. Occasionally, I drink four, but usually it’s three. The taste has actually kind of grown on me though. I’m starting to like it!
Last night, I psyched myself out thinking I might be in the beginning stages of labor. I got a bunch of contractions, and every time I coughed or cleared my throat my cervix hurt, and I got those little sharp stabbing pains in it. Some people don’t know what I’m talking about, but I swear I can feel it stretching and opening. It hurts! I’m still only 1cm, and there’s not much change there, which I’m REALLY bummed about, but there’s still time. I just need to keep progressing.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor. Normally I see the CNM who works under him, but once you hit 36 weeks and you’re a VBAC, then you have to see the actual obstetrician, which I’m fine with. I love both of them. I’m so loyal. I recommend them to everyone and I refuse to go to anybody else. Between him and the midwife, they’re an awesome team and I couldn’t have asked for better!
I was supposed to go on a walk today, but between my cold, and my lack of energy, I really didn’t feel like it, and when I asked Dan if he wanted to go, he didn’t feel like it either… So I just didn’t go. I’m lazy. What can I say? I’m allowed a lazy day, especially when I’m sick!
I’ve looked more into what it would take to become an obstetrician, and the more I read, the more I think I’m going to try to do that instead of a CNM. For the time being, I’ll work on finishing my associate’s of arts, then my A.A.S nursing, and then the bridge program from A.A.S. nursing to BSN. And then take it from there… but everything I’m reading and researching is making me want to do it. So who knows! Maybe a few years from now, you’ll see me posting on here an announcement about which medical school I got into! I really think I could do it… I’m smart enough… It’s just a matter of applying the time.
Maddi and Mommy cruising through the hallway!
We sure make a goofy pair!
Papers, papers, papers.
Filed Under Maddi, School | 2 Comments
Yay! So I finished the rough draft of my argumentative research paper, “Vaginal Birth After Cesarean Sections: The Benefits Outweigh the Risks.” I think I did pretty darn good on it! We’ll see! We’re going to be doing peer reviews of our papers, and then we’ll see how well I really did, and what needs revised, etc. I’m actually very proud of it, so we’ll see! I just hope my instructor things it’s just as much quality-material as I do!
Then I wrote a quick, not-so-much-effort-and-time required paper on Wal-Mart and how sweatshop labor was exposed behind the Kathy Lee Gifford clothing line for women and how they handled public relations regarding the negative press. That was semi-interesting because Wal-Mart really hasn’t recovered from that, and they’re constantly getting negative press for their poor ethics, and poor business morals; from sweat shops, to child labor, to employing illegal immigrants. Wal-Mart will probably never recover reputation-wise, but because of their competitive market, and hard economic times in the United States, their profits won’t be any less.
In my Introduction to Justice class, we got into an interesting debate regarding the death penalty. We were supposed to just answer some questions, but every so often, it gets into a pretty deep conversations. I think the death penalty should be used for what are considered “heinous” crimes, such as the rape, molestation or abuse of children. It ENRAGES me when I hear about kids who are beaten to death, or repeatedly raped for years, and the damage that is done because of these crimes… it stays with the victims for life. Many times, the victims never move past it, and majority of the time, the perpetrator gets away with a minimal sentence, and gets released from jail just to do it again. Violence against defenseless individuals, such as children, shouldn’t be tolerated in the slightest. The way I see it, if you strung a convicted pedophile from a tree and let him be an example to the rest of the child molestors out there… maybe there’d be less psychologically messed up kids, and young adults out there, because they weren’t being abused by the people they were supposed to be able to trust.
Anyways, Maddi needs a bath. She made a gigantic mess of herself, and then I need to work on my notes for my art class.
Only two more weeks of this semester! YAY! Almost done. And then I have summer semester. Ha ha ha. Oh well.
Busy As A Bee
Filed Under Contemplative, Family, School, friends | 2 Comments
Okay, so I didn’t update for a few days. I was going to, but I’ve been so drained of energy. It kind of sucks. I just couldn’t get the time or energy to do much of anything.
Thursday, we drove to Anchorage, and went to Dan’s uncle’s funeral. It was a nice ceremony. Sad, but nicely done. Maddi was a nightmare during the ceremony. She kept trying to throw a temper tantrum during the whole ceremony, locking her legs up and trying to get off of our laps, and run off. I was about ready to leave and take her out in the hallway, but the ceremony ended right as I was about to get up and leave, so I made her cool it for a few more minutes. After the ceremony, we went to Dan’s aunt’s house, and had a little snack, watched a powerpoint about Dan’s uncle, and visited with family. Then, before we left town, Dan’s grandma on his mother’s side, took us all out to eat at outback. It was a nice dinner. I enjoyed catching up with her. She goes back and forth from Texas and Alaska, and I send her occasional letters and photos when she’s out of town. So, it was good to catch up with her. Then we drove home, and the whole 2 and a half, to three hour car ride, Maddi screamed and fussed! I thought she would have fallen asleep for sure!
Then, when I got home I checked my email and my class announcements, and my art teacher had a heart attack and stroke! It was scary! She’s a really nice lady and it really caught me off guard! Thankfully, she says she’s doing a lot better since she got out of the hospital. I just hope she starts feeling better!
I need to get working on my research essay a little more. I got quite a bit done, and touched it up a little bit… So it’s looking better than what it originally looked. One of my professors helped me a bunch, and edited it and checked my formatting for errors. So far, so good! My school offers and “Online Writing Lab” (OWL) where you can submit your papers for editing and corrections before turning them in to your actual teachers. I’m really liking it. I think I might use it more often! My paper’s coming along nicely. I think I might print a copy of it, and give it to my doctor and midwife. They might like reading it. 
Speaking of which, I had my midwife appointment. I’m only a fingertip dilated, which is less than one centimeter. She says it’s not really much progress, but it could change. I have noticed a difference between my self-checks though, so hopefully I just continue to progress. I really do NOT want to have another c-section. Regardless of whether I have a c-section or not though, I will still be taking 15 credits. I refuse to do less. I want to get all of these courses done, out of the way and taken care of.
I’ve been considering the possibility, that after I finish my nursing program, that i might apply to medical school instead of midwifery school. Midwifery school is three years, and medical school is four years. And the pay difference is tremendous, and I’d have a lot more room to practice as I see fit as an OB, rather than a CNM. I really have no clue. I just know that it’s something I’m considering. I think I could do a good job as either one, and when I talked about it with my midwife, she said the same thing. So, maybe I would be a good candidate for either. I guess I just need to get my nursing degree, and continue on to make the decision from there.
Yesterday I babysat Janelle’s kids. They weren’t too bad. Owen didn’t want to listen, but the two older girls were pretty well behaved. We went on a two mile walk, and played outside for an hour, and by the time their mom came and got them, they were EXHAUSTED. Poor kids. Oh well, they probably slept well.
I tell you one thing, I was exhausted by the time I got home. I sat down to watch a movie and fell asleep on the living room floor. I woke up and went to my room, fell asleep with my contacts in (oops) all before Dan even got home from work. I was TIRED.
I was thinking about it, and either way, I think my mom would be jealous. Personally, I think she already is. Look at where I am at my age, versus where she was at my age. My mom didn’t graduate highschool until she was 20 or 21, and I graduated a while ago. She had been married twice by the time she was my age, and had two children, neither of which were by either of her husbands, and both had different fathers, one of which’s father’s was undetermined due to that there were too many possibilities. I may have made some similar “mistakes” as her, but my mistakes, weren’t remedied by making MORE mistakes. I really do think she is jealous though.
I know it sounds terrible, but once I get my degrees, I think she’ll be jealous then too. Because I’m doing something she talks up about, but never does. She wants to act as though she’s capable of things (and I’m sure she is) but she dosen’t take the time to do it. She dosen’t give herself the time, or allocate the resources she would need to do it. She was supposed to go back to school via the web to get some courses to bump herself up to a bachelor’s degree, however, she failed to order her books on time, and listened to her dumb friends when they talked about how it’s “not a good time” for her to go to school. It’s never a good time. There’s always something else going on, or something else that should be going on.
I don’t plan on including her in my life, and pretty soon it will be to the point that she doesn’t even know what’s going on with me, my husband, or my children. She alienates and uses people and treats them like crap. And I just don’t care to associate with that. And quite frankly, I don’t believe that she will ever change.
My brother’s birthday party is today. The one I wasn’t invited to. My mom texted me the other day and asked if I would like to join them for the party (which I’m going to assume she did out of my grandpa guilting me, or some other ulterior motive) and I told her “I planned on it.” Because I had been planning to show up anyways. I guess that “I planned on it” comment made her angry and she had a hayday about that one too. Oh well. She’s made it clear though, that if there’s a “repeat of Easter” she’ll “just leave.” Which is ridiculous, considering no one was mean to her and no one did a damn thing to her on Easter. She was LOOKING for reasons to get mad and freak out on people. She was reading too deeply into everything anyone was or wasn’t doing. So, I guess at the party, I should be VERY careful not to even look her direction, or breathe any of the specific air molecules that SHE wanted for herself.
Sorry. She annoys me and her immaturity astounds me.
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