Mood: Accomplished! :D

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Yay for being productive. Yay for being awesome.

Tonight, we bought stuff to make chicken parmesan. And it turned out AMAZING! It was freaking delicious. It was a cooperative effort between Chelsea and I. Dan helped a little, but he’d like to lead you to believe he deserves more credit than he does!!!

Then, I worked on a carrier. I started it yesterday and it was kind of exciting because it’s a new design…sort of. Same design, just a different look and layout. It turned out really well and I REALLY like it!

So, I finished that up, and listed it on my site. I even went through and added secondary photos to all of the listings, which I’ve been meaning to do for a while! I even got the sling listed, and edited some of the other listings! The boutique is definitely looking good! That’s for sure!

And then I got on my blog and fixed up some pages! If you click on the “BebeBreeze” page, it’s got the link to my boutique. Or you can simply click here. It’s been a work in progress for a while, but it’s finally getting to the point, I’m comfortable showing it to people!

Then, I published my milk babies page. I’ve been meaning to do that for a while too! I’ve had the draft saved on here for a few months, just haven’t gotten around to doing it, you know? And getting all the photos together for it and everything… but it’s up now. Which is, awesome! I’ll be updating it as I donate more!

Anyways, if you can’t tell from my tone, I’m feeling a whole lot better. Really motivated and determined to get stuff done!

Resolve to a Difficult Day

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Family, Love, Maddi, friends, sewing | 4 Comments

So, yesterday was terrible. Like, on-the-verge-of-tears-and-tempted-to-go-hide-under-a-rock-forget-my-name-and-never-come-out kind of terrible.

I don’t really know what started it. I just remember, I started getting stressed right before Dan left for work. I was cleaning up the kitchen, and Maddi kept getting under my feet, even though I kept telling her to go to the living room. After trying to hold a conversation with Dan, and repeatedly telling Maddi to go to the living room because she was making me trip all over her, I got really mad and I yelled at her. I felt really bad afterward, because she cried and looks down like she was scared and upset.

The house was really messy. I get really depressed and down in the dumps anytime the house is too messy or disorganized or sloppy looking. I don’t know why. I just know that if it’s too messy, it’s a one-way ticket to a crappy day for me. So, I spent most of my day cleaning.

I wanted to work on schoolwork, but when I went to log on to the system, it was down and it said it wouldn’t be back up until Wednesday morning.

I put Maddi down for her nap, and as usual, she started crying and pitching a fit. I forgot to give her the herbal stuff we use (Tranquil Child by Oregon Harvest) to help her calm down and mellow out before bed. The effects are similar to sleepy-time tea… It’s not drugs or anything, just some stuff to help her mellow out, peppermint and chamomile. Anyways, I forgot to give it to her.

Anyways, while Maddi was in bed, Danny was crying and fussing like crazy. I think he’s starting to teethe. I’m not sure, but he’s had a lot of fits recently, where nothing makes him happy. He just screams. Cuddles don’t work. Boobs don’t work. Baths don’t work. Chewing on a spoon that we put in the freezer ahead of time seemed to help for a little bit, but that was short lived. I gave him some ice cold water in a bottle. He seems to enjoy the cold water, but again, only short lived relief. So, he was SCREAMING for almost four hours. Not just crying. Not just fussing, but screaming.

There’s two things I hate about when he cries like that. The first, is that it breaks my heart to hear him scream like he’s in pain and hurting. I usually end up with watery eyes and about to cry when I hear him like that and I can’t fix it. I hate it when my baby is in pain. I love him too much to see him hurting like that. The second, is that it makes me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I’m a failure of a mom. My baby is miserable and unhappy, and I can’t fix it. It makes me feel like it’s all my fault which is depressing. I hate feeling like that.

I want to be a good mom. I really do. But I feel like lately, no matter what I do, nothing is right and I’m not a good mom. I want to be, and I’m willing to learn, but where am I supposed to learn from? I never really had any kind of stable or consistent parenting growing up. Everything I do with my kids comes from here and there, and this and that. It’s all a guessing game. I don’t like making my kids into guinea pigs. I don’t like having to test out different disciplines on them, and feel like I still have no clue what I’m doing.

I really want to get this parenting program called “Love & Logic.” It’s supposed to be really good. I’ve read a lot of good reviews on it and I’ve heard a lot of my own friends and family rave about it. I really want to get it. It’s just a matter of saving up the money for it. It’s not too terribly expensive ($70) but I don’t have $70, you know? So… It is a lot when you don’t have it. I just know I’m not happy with how discipline is in our house, and I don’t like how she reacts to our disciplinary measures. I feel like it’s going nowhere, and there has to be a better way… I just haven’t found it yet.

Anyways, back to the story. Danny was still screaming, and I just put him back in his rocker because I was about ready to start crying myself. Sometimes, you just get to a point you feel like you can’t handle it, and that’s when you just put them down somewhere safe and let them cry. Nothing I was doing was working or even helping, and you can only do so much before it starts to wear on you. So, I put him down and went to get Maddi up from her nap.

I step into the bedroom and before I even look at her, I can smell it. Her diaper is on the floor (surprisingly, clean, nothing in it.) and there’s poop smeared from one end of the crib to the other. Globs and streaks of nasty, stinky, raunchy poop. I know this sounds bad, but given a choice between the two, I’d choose Danny poop any day because Maddi’s is just disgusting and horrible. I started crying. This is the third time she’s done this since we moved into the house. It’s a pain to clean, and having to lean over the crib to clean it after having abdominal surgery isn’t an easy task.

I picked her up out of the crib, took her straight to the bathroom and gave her a cold shower. It wasn’t really cold. More like slightly under lukewarm. She hates showers as it is, and I figured, if it’s not comfortable for her, she might learn from it. She CANNOT keep doing this and I CANNOT handle the continuation of her doing this. Thankfully this time, most of the poop was spread all over the mat that comes out of the bottom of the crib. I made her help clean it. Of course, I had to go over it after, but I made sure she got to lean over, scrub it and smell it while she cleaned. She cried the whole time, but she has to learn she can’t do things like that! Poop is NOT the same thing as paint and I’m sorry, I know it’s my job as Mom, but I do NOT want to keep cleaning up her shit!!! LITERALLY!

Throught this whole shower, scrubbing and crying thing… Danny is still screaming. Maddi then refused to eat, and I just said forget it, and put her right back in bed. If she couldn’t behave, I wasn’t about to deal with it when I was so stressed and upset.

I finally got Danny to calm down enough to nurse. Which was good, because it seemed to really relax him. He went to sleep. I tried to put him back in his rocker, but anytime I moved him away from my boob, he started to whimper, so I just let him snuggle with me.

Dan came home. He brought some of those yummy Van der Kamp fish filets and a bunch of madrin oranges. Kind of cheered me up. I cooked the fish, and some peas, and got Maddi up out of bed so she could see Daddy. I felt bad for just putting her in bed, but I needed a breather.

We all ate dinner together. It was nice, and relaxing. It felt good. She even ate all her vegetables with very little coaxing. We had to help a little, but she did it! She even babbled at us during dinner, talked a little, and we let her have some of Dan’s chocolate soy milk and a mini 3 musketeers candy bar after dinner. We put Maddi back in bed, and she didn’t put up too much of a fight (after all, it was really late).

Dan had brought home a movie. “The Ugly Truth.” I liked it. We watched it together. Had a sweet night. Cuddled up together afterwards. Then, Danny woke up, and I laid down and fed him. He snuggled up on me, and just nursed and cuddled almost the entire night. Normally, he dosen’t just snuggle up. He’ll try to play or move around a ton, but not this time. He passed out on my boob.

That’s one thing I love. When he falls asleep on me like that. It just makes everything okay. No matter how bad my day is, when he snuggles up on me and just lays there with me, quiet and close, it makes everything feel to much better.

It was a hard day. I won’t lie. I cried a lot. It sounds stupid, especially since all the things that went so wrong might seem trivial, but it was a really rough day.

Then, this morning, I got to sleep in. Courtesy of my amazing husband. And then, instead of getting up in a bad mood, I decided today would be a good day.

I tried logging onto the school’s system but their outage was extended until Friday. At first it kind of upset me, but I decided, it’d just have to be okay. I went in the kitchen and made waffles for my little girl and my husband. We had brunch together as a family and just hung out together until Dan had to go to work.

I spent the day with my kids. I cleaned up the house. I got some laundry done. I picked up Chelsea from school and she came over and spent some time with us. We mad dinner. Salmon, cheesy mashed potatoes, corn and brownies. Chelsea and I made some of the mocha frappuccinos for Dan. We watched Ice Age 3. Then, we took Chelsea home, and when we got back, I sewed a few sets of nursing pads and experimented with some designs and different ways of sewing them, and I finally settled on one.

I took some photos and even added the listings to my online boutique. Speaking of which, I have been working on setting it up. For anyone who wants to take a peek at what the boutique page looks like, click here. I’ve been working on it. It’s not done, but it’s getting closer to being ready.

I think… What I’ve gathered from this… is that sometimes, it’s really easy to get worked up and wrapped up in the unimportant things that don’t really matter. Sometimes the people causing you stress and upsetting you so much, are the same people who can make you feel better and melt that stress away. And sometimes, you just have to decide you’re going to have a good day, or at least a better day, and hold yourself to it.

Yesterday, was complete and utter hell… But it got better towards the end. And today might not have been perfect, but it was better. I found some positivity in it, and that’s something special. Something to be proud of. Yesterday, there was no light at the end of the tunnel… But last night, I realized there was… I was just going down a hill, and for a moment, couldn’t see the light. But it’s still there. And I’m going to be okay.

My un-life and appendix-less self.

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Danny, Health, Maddi | 4 Comments

I’m in freaking pain.

I haven’t updated in a while…. So, long story short, I had to have my appendix taken out sometime last week. I honestly, don’t even remember what day it was or how long I was in the hospital thanks to the lovely affects of morphine. And unfortunately, I had a hard time getting the doctor to give me the pills that DON’T make me incredibly over emotional and nauseous.

Anyways, they did the “less invasive” laproscopy procedure, but it still hurts like hell. Probably dosen’t help that the only real place Danny likes to kick me when he’s upset is where one of their alien probe tools was stabbed inserted into my stomach. It dosen’t look bad from the outside (I’ll post pictures later) but I can feel the path that its swollen in underneath. And it dosen’t really feel good. Feels swollen, bruised and all around OUCH.

I haven’t even contacted my professors yet. I probably should. I will. Once I can scan my paper from the hospital so I can send them a copy… I don’t want it looking like I’m just after extensions (I’ve had quite a few this semester due to health/kids health).

Anyways… I feel like crap. I really want to take some of my pills, but unfortunately, I can’t until Dan gets home. Which sucks even more because he dosen’t get home until 8:30-9:00 and I wanted my car today (because I was supposed to have some help, so I needed to be able to pick them up but that fell through) and since Dan’s car is still at the hospital, I have to go pick him up from work and take him to the hospital to get his truck. >.<

And right now? I don’t even want to think about the insane workload of schoolwork I need to do.

And now, I’m just depressed as hell. I’m in pain. I need to catch up with some crap. And I just can’t because I don’t have the help I need. I’m falling behind and just everything fucking sucks.

And Danny, he’s starting to crawl… kind of. He’s putting his butt in the air, like they do for a while before they start crawling… So, it’ll be anytime now. And I’m happy, but at the same time it depresses me. He’s my baby… And he’s not going to be my baby much longer, you know? He still breastfeeds, and even when offered bottles or tastes of things, always wants me over everything else… And that feels good… But it’s only going to last so long until he turns into Maddi and doesn’t care about Mommy anymore.

I wish… I could clone myself and advance the aging process on said clones.

Or hire a nanny/maid. Which ever’s cheaper.

Photo Meme

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I saw this on Stephany’s blog, and decided to do it.

Photo Meme
Rules:
1. Go to the first photo album on your computer.
2. Go to the 10th picture.
3. Post the picture and tell a story about it.
4. Tag 5 more people and let them know

I was seventeen in this photo…. I was still anorexic. This was before treatment. I probably weighed around 90-100 in this photo. I was talking on the phone with my long-distance boyfriend, and my friend Brandon (who is now in the Navy) took the photo. There was still snow outside. I think it was March or April? Might have even been February. I just know the snow was still there and it kept melting, refreezing, melting and refreezing.

Day-After-Halloween

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So, because we had all been sick for an eternity, the house was a disaster… I mean, a complete and total disaster. We hadn’t cleaned or done much of anything since Tuesday, so there were dishes a mile high, the floors were nasty, we needed to vacuum desperately, etc. I’m sure you get the point. Anyways, my sister and Chelsea were nice enough to come over and help clean. And then they wanted to dress up and take pictures!

Maddi’s Special “Trick-or-Treating”

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So, we didn’t get to go trick-or-treating because of the aforementioned sickness/swine flu. We were all kind of sick (and still am) so we let Maddi dress up in a costume her Grandma Skyla sent down and put our own special trick-or-treat on for her! I hid behind the bedroom door while Dan helped Maddi knock on the door to get her candy!

We took some cute photos of her too!

Screw the Cabbage Patch, I Come from the Pumpkin Patch!

Filed Under Danny, Family, Maddi, friends, photos | Leave a Comment

We did this the weekend before halloween when we were carving pumpkins at Janelle’s house! It’s kind of a tradition. Janelle and I have carved pumpkins every year, at her house together, since Maddi was born! So we carved pumpkins and had dinner. Grandma even joined us!

Swine Flu

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So, out of all of my friends, I think I was the one worried about swine flu the least. I just thought it was like the normal flu! And of course, I would be the one to get it, wouldn’t I?

Tuesday, I ran some errands in town with Danny in tow, and Maddi stayed at home with Dan while he picked up house and did a few other things. I had woken up with a sore throat, but no biggie. I grabbed some cough drops while I was in town.

By the time I got home around 2-3pm, I still felt fine except I was just unexplainably cold, despite being well dressed for the weather. I went to take a bath, and Dan was just talking to me while I soaked. He asked if I wanted him to get me any take-out and I was thinking. Food sounded good. Then when I stood up to get out of the tub, I felt like I was thrown into a kaleidescope or a lava lamp. I was seeing globs of color everywhere and I couldn’t keep my balance. I stumbled to the couch because Maddi was taking her nap in our room, layed down, and covered with as many blankets as I could reach.

I don’t know how long I slept… But as soon as I realized Maddi was up I made my way to my room, and slept more, this time in my bed. I took my temperature around 6 and it was at 101. I took a bath. Went to sleep. Took a bath. Went to sleep. I alternated between hot baths and sleeping for a little while the entire night.

My fever went up to 103 by 9pm. And I was seeing things even more. Not so much things, as giant floating globs of color coming at me. I was hot, and in the same breath I was freezing. It got to the point I couldn’t stand up at all anymore, so I crawled when I needed to move. I remember Dan was really frustrating me because I couldn’t talk, my throat hurt too much, but he kept asking me questions and getting frustrated when I wouldn’t answer or when I just said “I don’t know….” I almost decided to go to the ER.

I think I scared Maddi though, because while I was crawling between the bedroom and the bathroom she came over, whimpering, looking really concerned and just hugged me.

Dan took us to the doctor the next morning. I had swine flu. By the time of the appointment, Danny was starting to show symptoms, so they asked to see him too. He had a fever of 102 and was doing the same things I had been doing, just in baby form. The doctor ended up giving me a couple shots (with the biggest freaking needle EVER) and prescribed us both several medications that were VERY expensive.

So, we went home and recuperated. And until Friday, I felt pretty damn bad the entire time and wasn’t quite sure that dying wouldn’t be less painful that continuing to be sick like that. Especially when, as much as I love them, my two kids would NOT stop shrieking and crying and wailing all while I have a pounding days-long-hurts-to-move-your-eyes-headache…

Maddi didn’t really get it. I think she had something different. She just had a cough and a runny nose, but other than that, acted normal and didn’t get a fever or anything…. Same with Dan. He got a milk cough but that’s about it…. Lucky bastard.

Danny and I got the brunt of it. And I felt so terrible for Danny. He looked so pitiful and depressed.

Now, we’re pretty much all fine, except for the cough and sore throat, and yucky noses. But hey! At least I’m not hallucinating anymore!

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