Unexpected Emotions

I was 17 when I was told the names of the two men who could be my father.

The last few days have been a whirlwind. Actually, the last two weeks have been… Between my little sister going missing (and her subsequent recovery) to finding the man who may be my biological father.

It seems as if I’ve been standing in the center of a hurricane. I can’t feel the wind,  but I can see what it’s doing and it’s overwhelming.

I’ve spent so long thinking that I would never find my father, and that this part of me would always be void. I’ve spent so long thinking that it was always going to be this way and nothing would change, no matter how much I searched. I’ve been searching so long, that I didn’t stop to think, “What happens when I find him?”

The answer seems like it’s simple. We get a DNA test and go from there. That’s what we did last time. I never talked to the guy. My mom orchestrated it all. I got the cheek swab, we waited for the results and that was it. They were negative, and it hurt, but part of it was a relief. The guy in question wasn’t the most savory character, so even though it stung like nothing before to get a negative result, there was at least some silver lining to it. I wouldn’t have to meet my father for the first time in a jail cell.This time, it’s even scarier.

Why?

Because this man, his wife, their family and their friends… They all seem so amazing. Just from the limited interactions I’ve had with them, I can tell they’re such positive people. They didn’t react the way I expected when I approached them. They were open, accepted and excited. They still are. These people are really nice, and I like them. I want to be part of that.

So why is it scary?

There’s still a chance I’m not. There’s still a chance that this amazing family isn’t connected to me at all and that I might be putting them through this all for nothing. I hate the thought of getting them excited, and getting their hopes up just for the test to turn out negative.

There’s a chance that all of those similarities I’m seeing between us aren’t real and that maybe I’m just trying too hard to see what I want to see. There’s a chance that all of the silly little coincidences that have to mean something that I keep stumbling over, really are just that. Coincidences.

That is what scares me.

The problem with this fear, is that there is no solution to it either way. Had I not approached them, I’d have spared them the excitement and possible letdown, but I’d still be dealing with the inner turmoil I’ve always dealt with. The only option, is to continue on, and find out the truth.

So for now, I’m stuck here, in limbo,  in the eye of this emotional hurricane, and even though I can’t see it on the outside, I can feel it on the inside.

Comments
One Response to “Unexpected Emotions”
  1. Melissa says:

    This happened to me last September. I’m adopted, and I found the guy listed on my birth certificate as my biological father, got in touch with him, took a dna test…negative. It was a pretty big emotional blow, and waiting for the results felt exactly like what you describe. I still haven’t gotten in touch with my biological mother to discuss this with her because I don’t feel like doing it all over again at this point. I’m happy and blessed with the family I have, and maybe that’s what it took for me to finally realize that.

    I’m not telling you this to scare you, but to remind you that, whatever happens, it will be okay. You will be okay, and you will still have a family that loves you more than anything. And even if this man turns out not to be your biological father, you will have had the experience of meeting what sounds like a wonderful person with a wonderful family.

    Best of luck to you. I hope you get the answers you are looking for. Maybe one day I’ll get mine.

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