This will likely be the last blog post I make before I find out if the test results are negative or positive.
I was ready to know Friday, but now that it’s Tuesday… It’s D-day, so to speak. We’re either going to come out of this victorious, or walk away defeated.
And both are terrifying.
If it’s positive… I don’t know if I’ll be able to believe it… I don’t know how I’ll handle that… After all… I’ve been searching for so long, and searching so hard… How would I have ever guessed that I actually would find him one day? Just seems to defy the natural order of all the things that can be my daily life… i.e. nothing going right, especially when I need it to.
If it’s negative… Well, the only silver lining is that this always happens to me… I get my hopes up, and start thinking positive, only for it to be crushed like a tiny little pansy, poking up through the sidewalk cracks.
Both answers, I think, are going to be difficult for me to swallow.
I went to my GP yesterday. I tried to get into a counselor, just for an urgent-type visit, but no one was open for weeks, and an appointment several weeks out isn’t going to help me, so I scheduled with the GP. She got me in really quickly and when she came in, I actually talked about it in depth with her. Sure, I’ve wrote some of my feelings out… But I haven’t actually said them aloud to anyone. Mostly because I don’t think anyone knows what to say… I tried to talk to Dan but he seemed really unsure of how to react and I didn’t want to lay that on him.
My GP was great though. I hope she wasn’t busy because she spent a good chunk of time in there with me. She prescribed me some valium, wished me well and gave me a hug. Took some last night, because she told me to, especially if I couldn’t sleep… I didn’t realize how bad that stuff knocks you out. I fell asleep sitting up with a cup in my hand on the couch and Bre and Dan telling me to go get in bed…
But for the first time in the last couple weeks, I slept.
Of course, I had several dreams. All of which I remember. And all of which revolve around my impending DNA results.
The first one was strange… I was sitting in this hotel lobby looking place, but it was a clinic… and you could see this pool inside of some glass windows, and when they called yur name you had to swim to get the results… but the water was boiling hot. I asked if I could skip the swimming because I don’t swim well, and I had Ava strapped to me and the clerk blew up at me and told me my results would be the absolute last… and there were hundreds ahead of me…
The next one, I was at a girl’s house that I don’t particularly like… Maddi and Danny were inside and getting into all this nasty garbage all over the trailer and I kept lecturing them not to… There were a lot of people there… And a lot of drugs. I kept checking my phone waiting for a call, and I never got one. All of a sudden, I realized I couldn’t find Ava… I went back outside and realized she had gotten out of her car seat somehow, and was facedown on the floor, screaming bloody murder, most likely for hours before I found her. When I got her, I went back in to grab Maddi and Danny and couldn’t find them anywhere.
Then, in another, I was waiting for the phone call… Waiting and waiting… I logged on to Facebook, only to see a picture of the potential father and his wife holding this long, rectangular red piece of paper… Captioned “Sorry! Negative!”
And they all felt real.
I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do it, but at this point, all I can do is wait… and hope that my heard doesn’t explode.