Negativity

During this journey to find my father, not even just the recent events, but the entire journey, I have encountered a lot of negativity… A lot of resistance. People don’t understand the emotions this has left me with. The things I’ve had to deal with. They don’t understand why and I want to find my father so badly. They don’t understand, and for most people, I don’t blame them for not understanding. They aren’t in my shoes. Most people, even those with an absent father, still can’t liken their situation enough to what mine is and has been, to a point that they could understand.

A few people in my family are really upset with me. I understand why they’re upset, but I don’t understand why they are unsupporting and apprehensive. They warn me that I’ll “alienate” those who have been there for me so far… But if I’m truly loved as much as they say I am, then this shouldn’t be something that would cause them to love me less or alienate me. If you love someone, and truly love someone, you’re there for them when they face these life-altering situations. You care enough to help them, even if you know the journey will hurt them, but that they’d rather risk the hurt of knowing, than the hurt of not. You don’t abandon them, or get angry with them.

You’re there for them.

People tell me to appreciate the family I do have, as if by finding my father, I’ll throw the family I had growing up into the trash. My family wasn’t very functional and I never stayed in the same spot very long (either my mother or my grandparents), but it doesn’t mean there aren’t good memories. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, and a lot of pain caused to me unnecessarily, but it doesn’t mean there wasn’t any good either. What I can’t understand, is how people, my family or others, could possibly think that I’m throwing that all away. Love isn’t something you have a set number of that you must divide between those in your life… Love is something that grows, and continues to grow, the more people you have in your life that mean something to you.

If I have a two children, a toddler and a newborn I haven’t even yet held or laid eyes on, and my newborn is kidnapped, you wouldn’t tell me “Well, at least you still have the other one… Besides, the baby doesn’t even know you and has no memories of you.” It’s the same thing. Just because I want to find the child I never laid eyes on, doesn’t make the child I still have worth any less. And despite how much I love the child I still have, it doesn’t mean the other child isn’t still missing and that void isn’t there.

Just because I want to find my father, doesn’t mean I love my mother any less. My mother and I have a lot of issues, and a lot of them are resulting from my younger years. Can I change how I feel about those things? Maybe over time, but I haven’t had that time, or that help to work through and grieve for those events and those shortcomings, or those areas I felt I was failed. I don’t disagree when she says she did the best she could with what she had been handed. It’s never easy being a mom and some people get a harder hand to work with than others. Yes, I am thankful that she chose life, instead of having an abortion, but in her choice to have me, she was accepting the possibility that this would eventually come up, and it has, many times now.

As many others, I didn’t have the typical childhood, and as far as I can tell, neither did my mother. No matter what her story may have been, it doesn’t change what mine is. I can empathize with her, if I knew the story, but it still won’t change how I feel about my own. My story is mine to live, and the choices I choose to make, might differ than the choices someone else may choose to make in a similar situation.

Everyone is different.

You can’t always explain a desire. You can’t always explain how you know something or why you feel a certain way. There are some things in life you just can’t explain, but you know are right for you and for your situation. For me, one of those things is finding my father.

Yes, I’m prepared.

I keep hearing the same thing from people. “What if he’s not who you think?” “What if he’s a disappointment?” “What if you don’t like what you find?” That isn’t what this is about. I’ve thought nearly every situation I can think of, and good or bad, I still want to know. He could be a banker, a bank robber, a lawyer, a loser, an average guy, a business owner, a relative, a rapist, a fry cook, a death row inmate. It doesn’t matter what he is. I’ve imaging the best, but mostly the worst. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I want to know, because to me, knowing is better than not knowing.

 

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