I’m okay, when I’m not alone. And by alone I mean, just me and kids. When Dan’s here… I’m okay. When Bre’s here, I’m okay.
I’m just so depressed lately. I get left alone with the kids, all by myself and it’s like… I can’t find the energy, or the motivation, or drive to do anything. I just sit here thinking… And thinking. I don’t want to do anything, but I know I have to. I have so much crap piling up that needs done… Like laundry, cat litter, finishing a couple sewing projects, cleaning out my bedroom… Of course, which Dan started complaining about once I fixed the kitchen and living room, which he had been complaining about before he started complaining about the bedroom…. I know he doesn’t mean it like that… but it just feels like… Nothing is ever good enough.
He tells me to relax if I want, but he doesn’t understand. I can’t relax amidst chaos, and a cluttered, messy house with chores undone, is chaos. It just stresses me out more.
It just sucks. I have one of the most stressful and emotional events of my life, and it’s like… I’m expected to just keep giving and giving and giving, and there’s no shortage of people wanting to take and take and take. Sometimes I just wish I could walk out the door and leave for a few days… A few weeks. Just leave and do what I want to do. Uninterupted peace, order and neatness. Unfortunately, I can’t. There is no shortage of wanting or taking from me… And there never will be.
Even at my worst, and lowest point, there’s still no shortage of people wanting more…
But what am I supposed to do when I feel like there’s nothing left to give? Nothing left for them to take?