Narcissism

I’m feeling a lot better now.

I spent quite a bit of time reading over narcissistic personality disorder… A lot of time… Not just articles… Psychology texts… Books written by professionals… Everything I could get my hands on… And it describes everything I have endured with her to a T. A narcissistic is, by themselves, difficult to handle. A narcissistic mother, is impossible. And it seems that the experts all agree on one thing. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to not. Cut them out, be done and move on, because they won’t change. They guise the manipulation as concern. They mask the attacks as indifference. And if all else fails, they resort to self-pity and helpless victimhood.

I know, I’ve quoted this article before, mostly in passing, but the more I read and the more I learn, the more I begin to see how blatantly obvious it should have been… But that’s the amazing thing about narcissists. They’re so skilled, thought out, and quick, that they leave others in disbelief that they could ever be anything less than splendid.

“Narcisstic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do…. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them….For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal….they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently toward their children in public than they do at home…. Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults….These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it.

No matter how many times I have read that single post over the last few years… It always hits me and hits me hard. Sometimes its eye-opening. Sometimes its nauseating. Sometimes its comforting. Knowing that this isn’t my fault.

In a family with a narcissistic mother, there’s a few crucial roles, and different members of the family play out different roles. There is, of course, the narcisstic, dominating all of the family dynamics and functions. Then, of the children, there are usually two different “types.” Sometimes there’s more than one child that fits the label, but there’s the “golden child” and the scapegoat. The scapegoat and the golden child are nearly identical. They both have that fear of the narcissist mother. They’ve both been trained. They both know the consequences of displeasing the narcissistic mother. The difference between the two however, is that the golden child will do whatever it takes to please the narcissist, even if means sacrificing his or her own happiness, sanity or priorities to do so, thus becoming the favored child. The scapegoat however, has given up in their attempts to please, and usually lies at the end of the narcissistic rage, and all of the narcissist’s [problems are the scapegoat’s fault.

The control does not end at adulthood.

The narcissist has had plenty of time to perfect their craft. They have learned how to push buttons and have conditioned their child into bending to them, no matter how it will affect the child personally. Unless you have dealt with one, it’s hard to understand how deep the disorder lies, and how twisted and complicated the actions behind it are. This article gives a brief summary on some of the characteristics of a narcissistic mother.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

To sum it up…

“Everything she does is deniable. She violates your boundaries. She favoritizes. She undermines. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She makes you look crazy. She’s envious. She’s a liar in too many ways to count. She has to be the center of attention all the time. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain. She’s selfish and willful. She’s self-absorbed. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. She terrorized. She’s infantile and petty. She’s aggressive and shameless. She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able. She’s exploitative. She projects. She is never wrong about anything. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings. She blames. She destroys your relationships. As a last resort she goes pathetic.”

If you have the time though, it really is worth reading through that website. It was incredibly eye-opening and prompted even further reading.

I came up with a sad, although accurate metaphor to describe the situation.

A narcissist is drowning. She refuses to learn to swim and longs for someone to save her. The problem is, she’ll drown anyone who comes close enough to help. You are left with two options, leave her there to drown, or drown alongside her. Both decisions are painful. Both decisions hurt. But only one decision is preserving.

It may be sad, but it’s true, and that is why the guilt will no longer eat away at me. Cyndi, at So Much More Than A Mom, sums it up perfectly when she says, “It is incredibly difficult and painful…. she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to put the blame where it rightfully belongs.”

And that is what I will do.

And more importantly, I feel good about the decision. It wasn’t easy to make, but it feels like a weight has been lifted, and that despite the pain it causes, its for the better.For me, and for my children. As Cyndi said… The behavior does not stop once the child reaches adulthood. It will continue throughout the child’s life, or until the child no longer allows it. There is no middle ground. There is no playing nice. In the world of the narcissist, it is all or none. They’re playing a game, and there is only one rule; they will win at all costs, is the same when they play video games with their Armchair Empire mouse and getting boosting for their games from sites as elitist-gaming.com, or play sports and if you´re really into sports, you can search up tom brady net worth, winning is all, I am one of those who love to get credits on bet365, I love doing sports betting.

Comments
4 Responses to “Narcissism”
  1. May says:

    I am not a babycenter member (anymore) but rather stumbled upon your first post there and I’m so happy I did! Your blog is so good to read, you are so expressive and in your words it shows how valuable of a human being you are. But you were dealt a bad hand in life and Im hoping this is your first step to feeing yourself from all the negative in your life!!!! You have children and a great husband that deserve you!!!!!!!! You deserve them!!! Rid your life of negativity and celebrate the birth of a NEW YOU!! it will take time, years maybe, but in the in the end positivity will prevail. Everytime I read One your blogposts your feeling are expressed in every letter and you reach the hearts of people. I hope you do find your biological father because I feel that will help the healing from breaking apart from the evil of THE PERSON you no longer want in your life. Even if the experience isn’t a positive one… You will grow and learn and become an even better woman than you already are.

    Hope you keep your readers updated on your journey!

    • Samanthavv says:

      Thank you…. You have no idea how much these words of encouragement mean, especially considering how hard it has been just trying to have a relationship with this person…. Its an awful realization to come to, but I guess this is another one of those moments where we realize we’re growing up. Our parents aren’t who they trained us to think they are, and those “grown ups” we idolized as children, may not be who we really thought they were. It’s a stinging reality, but in seeing it… I can see that I’m growing up.

  2. 4daughter says:

    Its so funny to read this now because I have just realized that my mother doesn’t have classic narcissistic personality disorder but has self absorbed behaviour that mimics it. I have suffered from it since I was a teenager and I’m now 36 and starting to realize why she treats me and my siblings the way she does and that I’m never going to have a warm, caring mother. I also realize that my father is a classic enabler and he, too, is not going to change.

    I moved overseas from my parents when I was 21, partly because I wanted a better life for myself and partly to put the ocean between my mother and I. Our phone calls are infrequent and she visits for a week a year during which I force myself to be civil.

    Did you see this website? http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ I almost cried when I read that she endorses attachment parenting for daughters of narcissistic mothers. How ironic that you and I both embraced this form of parenting naturally. Perhaps we were trying to overcome deficiencies in our childhoods.

    • Samanthavv says:

      I have seen it. Every so often I lurk around on there…

      I didn’t make the attachment parenting connection, but now that you mention it… It is kind of interesting… Maybe there is a link.

      I wish I could move overseas… But I’ll be moving continental eventually, so I suppose that will have to do for the time being.

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