“They say an end can be a start
Feels like I’ve been buried yet I’m still alive
It’s like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don’t try to deny
I’d better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can’t control..
The stormy days ain’t over

I’ve tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I’ve watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait…”

Isn’t it weird how you find yourself liking a song… A song that has no particular personal meaning to you and then all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, it applies to you. It feels like it was written just for you. Its as if someone stepped into your life and just watched, and waited. They went back in time, composed their lyrical masterpiece based on their observations, and then, somehow, the cosmos made sure you heard it. It caught on. It found a corner in the back of your mind. It sat there, in that little corner, and waited. And waited. And waited a little bit more. It collected dust, waiting until the moment you’d need it because someone or something out there knew that one day, you’d need it.

And there it is.

Right when you needed a word of encouragement. Something to remind you to persevere. That not all decisions are easy ones, but in the end, they’ll pay off. And then, its like that cosmic force has struck once again, reminding you what you can’t go back to. Like foreshadowing in a book, or deja vu. You know what you need to do, but the reality of those decisions can be hard to swallow, especially if you’re looking through the wrong pair of glasses. There’s those words that were hiding in the corner, just behind the other ones, waiting to remind you… Waiting to stop you in your tracks and prevent you from making another mistake.

“New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it’s right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head’s to the wall and I’m lonely.”

Its not easy to forgive, but its nearly impossible to forget. We are largely the product, of what we were taught. What was modeled to us. How we were treated. How we were interacted with. The neuron networks were growing and spreading, every single one recording an emotion, a response, a feeling, a thought, a hope, a fear and before we could even talk, there we were. A person. A unique individual, resulting from presence of abc and the abscence of xyz. We are that person, whether we like it or not, until we’re capable of the conscious decision to rise above how we were wired, conditioned and trained. Some people reach that point, and some never do. The decision to do it, isn’t always without consequence.

“A baby is born
Crying out for attention
The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made and not bought
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot
I guess not

There’s never nothing left to do. There’s just nothing left that you want to do, which can be just as hard. We’re all faced with choices we don’t want to make, but we do it anyway. Not only for ourselves, or for those around us, but because we know its for the best. Despite how hard those choices are for others, as well as ourselves, to acknowledge and accept.

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I am Samantha. I am twenty years old, and have a gorgeous little girl, and a baby boy who I am expecting in May. I am married to my best friend in the entire world. I am a full time student, and am torn between pursuing a career as a midwife, or going to medical school to become an obstetrician.

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