Alice was a lie

We’re quiet on the ride, we’re all just waiting to get home.

Over the course of this summer, I’ve been through more chaos, more insanity, more hurt, more despair, and just more than I could ever begin to put into words. I saw a woman’s entire lifetime of mistakes shatter to the floor like a crystal chandelier that’s been dangling precariously over a make-believe tea party for the last four decades. I watched as she scrambled to glue it back together, trying to pretend that no one saw, that the show must go on. Every time time the cieling started to collapse, and little flecks of paint begin to fall… We all saw it. I know we did. But we turned a blind eye; doubted our own recollections, and let others manipulate our memories. I sat there, at that table, for twenty years, so deluded with the lies that I was fed, that I never thought twice. This was how it was. This was as “real” of a life as I had ever known. That is, until a shard of glass sparkled on the floor and it all came crashing down beyond repair. And now? There is no make-believe.

Every chance to leave is another chance I should have took.

I was covered in lies before I even took my first breath. As I grew, even more lies were planted… Little seeds that I didn’t know different from.  It isn’t easy to break free from that. A lot of people don’t.  These things have a way of making you doubt your sanity; wondering if perhaps, you’re the one who’s lost it. A healthy person is taught to rid themselves of the negative, but when you’ve known nothing but the negative, you don’t always recognize it. When you do, everyone around you does their best to smother the thought and turn the blame to you.

You live life like everyone’s an enemy.

Relationships are complicated. Family dynamics are intense. There is no simple solution and there’s simply too much background, in anyone’s story, to put all of the pieces together in a way that makes snese. No matter how you weigh the options, you will always hurt someone, even if that isn’t your intention. It isn’t just you. It isn’t just them. It is everyone. And there is no solution that leaves everyone unscathed. You risk upsetting the others involved, or you sacrifice yourself. It took me a long time to figure that out. Despite the guilty feelings, I can’t let my myself go for the sake of the story.

I don’t ever want to be here.

Alice jumped down the rabbit hole and fell through the looking glass a long time ago. The looking glass is cracked and covered in dust and the garden is nothing but withered, dead thorns. Or it could use some snow removal services for the mean time. I might not have seen it before. Perhaps I’m guilty of turning a blind eye one too many times, but there comes a point where there is only one of two options; perpetuate the sickness and continue the cycle, or start over, completely new.

I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot
I guess not


I don’t know of any significant, life-alter decision that anyone has made that was easy. Some of the hardest decisions a person has to make are the most painful. Sometimes, doing what’s right for you isn’t easy. In fact, it can feel impossible. I don’t know that I have ever felt so guilty in my life, but slowly, that guilt transforms into relief, and relief into confidence; confidence that you did the right thing and your life is now better for it.

And after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing.

I may not have found resolution to the story I was thrown into, but the antagonists have been written out of the script. Finally, a sense of peace. A feeling of normalcy. I may never find solutions, but at least I’m not finding problems.

Comments
4 Responses to “Alice was a lie”
  1. 4daughtesr says:

    That is an intense piece! I’m guessing that you are talking about your mother and have discontinued contact with her. I hope that you can find some peace.

    • Samanthavv says:

      It was. Partly.

      There’s been a lot of aftermath regarding the whole situation involving other family members, but in the end, it all stems back to her. I spent so much time ignoring/forgiving/pacifying my mother, and everyone who was enabling her, that I put myself (and my own family) second… And I refuse to do that anymore.

      It was one of the harder things I’ve ever had to do, and even though it hurt, we are so much better for it.

  2. NTMoMo says:

    Its not easy, like you say, but it does eventually bring you some peace. And no peace comes without a price. Very well written, Samantha.

  3. NTMoMo says:

    Or rather, peace never comes without a price.

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