Disappointed & Excited

I need to get my thoughts into writing before it’s too late. It can be so easy to get caught up with the daily life (even the not-so-daily life, like everything going on with me right now) and put things off until later. But by putting it off until later, those thoughts become irrelevant. It doesn’t matter how I felt about my impending paternity test results, when I failed to get it out before the results came in. So here I am, getting it out and making an attempt at not becoming irrelevant.

I really don’t know what is going on or how things transpired the way they did. I really don’t. I didn’t expect rainbows or sunshine and I didn’t expect this man to be excited about me, but I did expect curiosity. Instead, I was met with a man who had absolutely no questions about me at all… Except that I not tell his mother that I exist. I didn’t expect a family reunion, but I at least expected he would want to know a little bit about me… Every other man I have tested with did and I have remained friends with most of them. It just… Seems so impersonal.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again. I don’t know what I expected, except that this wasn’t it.

The DNA test results aren’t even in and I’m already struggling with feelings of disappointment. I’m disappointed with how unlucky I seem to be. Why would the universe torture me by letting me meet all of these awesome people and their families for my prior tests, and the last guy (who I am 99.9% sure is my father) is so… distant? I don’t know. I’m not expecting a hug or a heartfelt talk, but when he speaks to me, it’s almost like he’s be asked to order food when he just finished a five-course meal… Bored, disinterested and putting it off. And that? That is extremely disappointing.

I’m disappointed.

I am disappointed because I am almost certain he is my father, and I really wish it had been one of the other men I had tested with. Those men, even though they know we aren’t related, seem to have more interest in me than this guy does.

I am disappointed at how long this process took. I found him in September and he agreed to the test. I had my swab collected right away. He kept telling me he was scheduling his, and then, he just quit telling me anything at all.

I am disappointed at the lack of communication. He may not want to know anything about me or have anything to do with me, but he did agree to the test and I am extremely upset that he made the decision to ignore me for almost six weeks. He ignored me. I asked if he scheduled, told him I hoped all was well, etc. and he didn’t even have the decency to reply. Nothing. It wasn’t until I texted him (I am pretty sure he was unaware I had his number) that he decided to at least let me know what was going on, and even then, I’m not sure I believe him.

I’m disappointed that he hasn’t been honest with me. He said he has just been crazy busy and that’s why he hasn’t gotten in for his swab… Why didn’t he just tell me that? Why couldn’t he have shot me a message or something and said “Hey, sorry! I’ve been so busy, but I really am trying. Thank you for being so patient.” I kind of doubt he didn’t have time to at least let me know that, considering all the quizzes and youtube videos he was posting on his Facebook account. Then, on top of that, he claimed part of the problem was that the collection site was in Orlando, so he needed two days off to get it done… I checked Google Maps. He lives 1 hour and 10 minutes from Orlando. Why does he need two days to make the appointment? Then, at the end of our one and only phone call, he made the comment about how “now that he has my number…” I have given him my number multiple times through Facebook messaging. It’s not like he didn’t have it or didn’t have access to it…

Even though I am disappointed, I am excited.

I am excited that this whole thing is coming to a close. I am excited to know that I will have my answer, one way or another. I will know that David is my father, or I will know that I will never know who my father is.

I still remember the day my mother gave me the list of names. It was on this teeny tiny yellow sticky note… And she wouldn’t talk to me about. She just handed it to me. No questions allowed. No answers given. It was my problem now. And I am excited…. I am proud to know that regardless of the outcome of this test… I did it. I did the impossible. I found these men. I did what even I didn’t think was possible. Just three months ago, I was sitting at a bonfire telling my almost-step-dad how much it hurt, knowing that I would probably never find David, and how he doesn’t even know I exist. And here I am, at the end of that search.

Tomorrow, David gets his swab taken.

Tomorrow, the countdown begins. Results are by the end of the second working day following the test. I will have instant online access to the results. David will not. We will both then be emailed physical copies of the results approximately two weeks later. I could have access to the online results as early as Wednesday and as late as next Monday.

This is it, kid.

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