Right now, I am feeling a lot of things. It’s difficult to pinpoint any one feeling down when there are so many. It’s even harder when those feelings feel so scattered, some longer-lasting, some fleeting and only lasting a few brief seconds. Some make me feel more confident in my suspicions. Some make me doubt everything I have ever known to be true. Some make me feel paranoid. Some make me feel logical. Most make me feel crazy.
I am excited.
No matter what, this is one step closer to the truth. This is one very big step in the right direction. This is a way to get irrefutable proof that would solve this mystery I have been struggling to piece together for nine years.
I am scared.
I am scared of what this test is going to reveal. What kind of ugly truths might this test uncover? What if my suspicions are true? What if I can’t figure it out from my results? What if I’m stuck in the same spot I was before the testing? What if I still don’t know when it is all said and done?
I am determined.
I am determined to figure this out. I am so ready to dig into these results and start searching. Start triangulating. Start reaching out to relatives. Start piecing this puzzle together, one little piece at a time until the bigger picture is more clear.
I am impatient.
I have been waiting so long for this. These tests are exciting and a very real way I could find my biological father’s family. I have been searching for nine years in May. Nine years of my life. That’s over a third of my life. A third of my life has been spent actively searching for my father. It’s only a matter of a few weeks until results will be in, but it feels like forever.
I am ready.
No matter what the tests reveal, no matter how ugly the truths may be, I am ready. I am ready to know, once and for all.