Jacey, I wish…

I lost my baby Jacey on August 3rd, 2008. It was by far one of the most difficult times of my life. Honestly, I think you could combine every bad thing that’s ever happened to me, multiply it by a million and it would barely even compare to the agony and sorrow I experienced when I lost Jacey.

It’s been a long time… Almost two years now, but I still miss her. Everyday.

I wish I could have met her, even if only for a moment. I would have taken her place in a heartbeat.

I wish I could have known for sure that she really was a she, instead of having to rely on just my gut feeling.

I wish I would have gone to the doctor sooner… So there would at least be a record of her existence, other than the positive pregnancy tests, and my discharge paper from the hospital for “severe abdominal cramping and excessive hemorrhaging.” By the time I got there, my levels were barely an 8. I wish I would have gone sooner. I wish I could have gotten something, something in writing, stating she was really there.

I wish I wouldn’t have looked when they did the ultrasound. Before they did it, I kept hoping that “maybe its just a little bleeding. Maybe she’s okay. Maybe it’s nothing.” But when I looked up at that screen and saw absolutely nothing, I started sobbing harder than I ever have. Heart-wrenching, body-shaking sobs. Looking at that screen, it made reality set in. A reality I wasn’t prepared to handle.

I wish I would have wrote her one more letter. I had made a goal to write in a journal for her every day. From the time I got the journal, to the time I lost her, I wrote three letters. I wish I wouldn’t have skipped a few days.

I wish I was able to throw the pregnancy tests away… But I can’t. Those sticks dipped in pee are all I really have left of her. I can’t just let that go. I’ve thought of burning them. And putting the ashes in an urn. But I don’t think plastic will turn to ash.

I wish it didn’t hurt so much. The grief isn’t as intense as it was in the beginning, but it still hurts just as much.

I wish I could stop crying. I still cry about it. I don’t think a week goes by where I don’t think of it, and wonder what she would have been like.

I wish I could stop having these dreams about her. I don’t have them all the time, but when I do, it’s all of us. Maddi, Danny, Jacey and I… We’re all so happy. And I’m just so filled with joy… That when I wake up, and realize she isn’t here, I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I know that if she had been born, there wouldn’t be a Danny, but still… In my dreams, we’re all there.

I wish I wouldn’t have let myself become so stressed when I was still pregnant with her. I wish that she could have spent her short life in a calm and peaceful place. I wish I could have at least given her that.

I wish I could have traded places with her. But I know that wasn’t possible.

I wish I hadn’t been so filled with hate after I lost her. It seemed like as soon as I lost her, everyone I knew, and everyone I saw was pregnant. Fate was being cruel. While waiting to get my pain medication after I lost her, I saw five pregnant women, in less than fifteen minutes. I went into a stall at Fred Meyers and cried even harder. And when one of my friends announced to me that she was pregnant, just a week or two later… I wasn’t happy for her. I was so angry. I hated her for it. I wish I hadn’t been that way. I wish I just could have been a good friend and been happy for her.

I wish I wouldn’t have hated Jane for what she did. But it was so hard for me not to hate her, when she chose to end her baby’s life… And I would have done anything to prevent my baby from dying.

I wish I would have been more prepared. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so traumatic… But at the same time, I don’t think that there is a way that anyone can prepare for something like that.

But most of all, I just wish it wouldn’t hurt so much. It’s been almost two years, and it still hurts. I still cry. I still miss her everyday.

I have made progress. Even though that progress is miniscule. I try to think of her in happy terms. That’s why I’m putting her name in the park. Somewhere happy, full of smiles, laughter and joy. Somewhere that can carry her name, and her memory in a happy way.

But it still hurts.

Comments
2 Responses to “Jacey, I wish…”
  1. Karla says:

    Hi!
    I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, and have really enjoyed it! This entry made my heart break for you! I’m very sorry about your loss, and I know having someone else apologize doesn’t help, however I wanted to encourage you. By putting her name in a Park or having somewhere that you can go to visit its a good way to continue mourning your loss and learning to become okay. It sounds like you have alot of regrets about what you did and didn’t do when you were going through that time. Dont hold these things against yourself, nothing you did or didn’t do would’ve changed what happened. I think its good that your getting your feelings out, and are recognizing how you feel! Take each day as it comes, and dont worry about tomorow. Good luck!

  2. Manapan says:

    ((((hugs)))) The park is going to be a perfect place for Jacey. You’ll all be together there, even though unfortunately it won’t be perfect like in your dreams.

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