I didn’t really understand what all of this talk about “rainbow babies” was… Turns out, a rainbow baby, is a baby you have after a pregnancy/infant loss.

So, this is my second rainbow baby… I lost a baby after I had my daughter and before I had my son… It was a really difficult time in my life, but I think it really moulded me as a person.

I went down to the lake to video tape a couple updates, and my husband asked me “Won’t you feel bad if you make all of these videos and end up with a csection anyways??” and it just got me to thinking about it all…

I don’t think it will be a waste. This entire project is a way for me to explore deeper, and learn more about everything to do with birth and VBACs and make the best possible decisions to optomize outcomes for myself and my baby.

So even if I do “end up” with another cesarean, this won’t be a waste.

I was trying to hide my pregnancy until my husband’s birthday so that I would have time to plan a special surprise to tell him with. My last two children, I just kind of blurted it out, but I worked really hard to keep my mouth shut, however, when I got home from the doctor for my “sinus infection” (I was really going for a pregnancy confirmation) I knew that he knew just because of the goofy grin he had on his face!

Turns out, he had been snooping on babycenter, and even made an account because he was going to respond to the thread I made asking for creative ideas on how to surprise my husband!

What a jokester. It was still fun and we had a blast. We were both laughing and smiling the whole time, and that’s what counts!

So, I haven’t told my husband that we’re expecting yet! I’ve been trying to come up with the perfect way to tell him and just haven’t come up with any ideas yet! Do you have an idea? His birthday is on the 18th and I think it would be awesome to surprise him on his birthday!

This is my fourth pregnancy and my third baby. We weren’t planning on trying for another baby until fall/winter of 2010, so we’re a few months early with a surprise rainbow baby, and we’re okay with that.

We had an “oops” and I was obsessively testing for a while, but gave up because they were all turning up negative. I found a couple unused tests in my car (I had hid them there because my husband thought I was crazy for taking so many) and figured “why not?” I honestly didn’t think it was going to show up positive, but it did…

I love pregnancy, and I love being pregnant, but there’s one thing that I’m hoping to do different with this pregnancy…. Not have a cesarean.

I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 18. I knew a little bit about pregnancy from being the oldest of eight kids, but I really didn’t know as much as I should have. To me, having a baby was something people did everyday. It wasn’t something to worry about, let alone be anxious about.

I had a relatively easy pregnancy with my daughter aside from lots of morning sickness. I had Group B Strep, and had some borderline diabetic issues and dehydration a couple times, but for the most part, life was simple.

I went to 41 weeks, and it was at that point I asked my doctor about induction. I was “informed” about the risks associated with it, but I really don’t feel that I was made to understand the realness of those risks. I really regret the decision to induce.

Absolutely nothing happened, which isn’t surprising considering I was 0cm dilated and 0% effaced. I didn’t know that a bishop score should be done before an induction…

Needless to say, a cesarean was inevitable. I was terrified and the experience traumatized me. I suffered from severe post partum depression and had issues caring for and bonding with my baby.

I genuinely believe, had I been better informed, and better educated, and not rushed because I was “overdue” that I would not have had a cesarean.

I went into my second pregnancy more prepared than I had my first. I really wanted to do a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but my faith in myself and my body waivered often. Still, I tried.

I had very little issues with my son’s pregnancy. I didn’t get sick at all, just felt nauseous in the beginning, and had the occasional headache. I had group B strep again, but out of the two pregnancies, this was the easier of the two.

I ended up travelling to Anchorage 4 days before my due date because my obstetrician was going on vacation, and I couldn’t trust the two or three other obstetricians at my hospital to let me try for a VBAC.

I was transferred to a doctor in Anchorage, and just hung around in a hotel until I was nine days overdue. I was persuaded into doing a “light induction” even though I knew that I shouldn’t use any induction drugs since I had a priod cesarean. I ended up having my waters broke for me too.

I remember I was frustrated and angry because I wanted to get up and move around but the nurses wouldn’t let me and kept telling me I needed to lay down because of the monitors. After 12 hours of hard labor, I ended up with “Fetal distress” again and was given a cesarean.

Unfortunately, I did not know until after the delivery that moving around during labor can decrease “fetal distress” and that electronic fetal monitoring has not been shown to improve outcomes in labor or reduce mortality rates.

So, I was forced to lay in bed, when I could have been moving around, for the sake of monitors that did nothing but let us know that the baby’s heart is beating, and yes, I’m contracting.

But I could have told them that.

So, everyone… I wanted to update and let you know what’s going on with us and on our end…

We’re having another baby!

So, if the title wasn’t clear enough, the big news is, we’re having another baby. It’s really exciting. We weren’t planning for another baby until later this year (we were thinking somewhere between early and late winter) but obviously the universe had other plans in store for us.

I kind of had a feeling from the get-go and I was obsessively taking tests and they kept being negative and I gave up thinking “If it hasn’t shown up by now, then I’m not pregnant…” So I gave up and was content with waiting until later this winter…

I ran out to the car to get something for one of the kids, and I saw a couple of my tests out there (I hid them in the car because Dan was calling me crazy for buying more…) and I figured… I have a couple more. Why not? If it’s negative then I know for sure.

I take the test and I can see the faintest of lines….. So, I asked my friend Maryah if she could see it and sure enough she could… And as more time went by the line got darker.. and darker.

It’s way darker than in that picture now, but regardless, there’s a line.

I went into the doctor today and had my pregnancy confirmed. I was so excited. I still hadn’t told Dan and everyone in the office was so excited for me. The same thing happened there though, a light line that turned pretty dark after a bit. Which, for me, is typical. It was the same way with Maddi and Danny.

I came home, and tried to act normal because I was planning on surprising Dan… But when I walked in the door, Dan was cooking/putting dishes away and smirking at me. I asked him what and he said nothing… Then I asked again… Maryah yelled from the living room “He knows…” And I said “HOW?” She laughed and said she didn’t tell him anything, and Dan goes “How do I know what, Sammi? That you’re pregnant?” He was laughing and smirking the whole time…

Turns out he was snooping arounds on my baby sites and he even made an account and said he was going to respond to my question asking for advice on how to surprise my husband with the news!!

Wow.

It’s been an entire year… Well, at 11:57 tonight, it will have been an entire year.

I can’t believe my baby’s grown up so fast….

Just a few weeks before he was born...

Almost exactly 12 hours before his birth...

Just moments after his birth...

The very first time I saw him...

He loves his mommy. A month old...

Three or four months old...

6-7 months old...

8 months old

11 months old...

Jacey

Jacey

This might come off morbid… Maybe it is… I don’t know… But sometimes I wish I had been further along with Jacey when I lost her.

I know losing a baby is traumatic… A miscarriage is traumatic… But one of the biggest things that haunts me about it… is the fact I never got to see her. I never got to touch her, hold her, kiss her, bury her… Take a picture of her. I never got that…

I’d have done anything to just see her…even if only for a moment…

And sometimes… That bothers me.

I haven’t wrote a poem… In years. But, I just felt inspired to write one today… And I did…

I never got to hold you.
I never saw your face.
But deep inside my heart,
You’ll always hold a place.
I never heard your heart beat,
But I know that it was there.
I never saw you on an ultrasound,
I never got a peek,
I never got to lay you in the ground,
I never knew your future would be so very bleak.
I never got to kiss your cheeks,
I never got to stroke your hair,
I carried you with me only a few short weeks,
And I wonder every day what it would be like,
If you were here instead of there.
Someone once said that time heals all,
But someone never lost a child so very small.
The heartache never ceases,
It may not be as intense as it was to start,
But that’s because I’ve gotten used to
This stabbing pain inside my heart.
The tears are always there,
Just beneath the surface,
I remember thinking how unfair,
That you should have to leave me
before I was prepared.
I remember the desolation,
The resignation, and the overwhelming sorrow,
I remember giving up, life just wasn’t enough.
I remember wishing it had been me instead of you,
And even to this day,
Sometimes I still do.
People tell me to be grateful, that I wasn’t further along
And sometimes I think they’re right,
But other times they’re wrong.
At least I could have held you,
And seen your angel face,
I could have kissed your cheeks,
And smoothed your hair in place,
What I would’ve done,
To get a few more weeks with you.
I could have held you to my heart,
I could have said good bye,
I never got to look into your eyes,
I never heard you cry.
This hurt will never soften,
And even though I’ve learned to cope,
I still think of you so often,
And wish that you were here.

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