So, I’m really BAD about updating lately. I guess it’s mostly because I just feel so darn lazy lately. I’m keeping up with school, and that’s about it. I guess we all go through these little funks at one point or another. Just my turn I suppose.

Things are going well. Danny is crawling like crazy. He’s acting kind of weird though, I guess it’s more normal that weird… But still. He FREAKS out like the world is about to end if I put him down. Heck, if I even grab underneath his armpits like I *might* put him down, he freaks out. He just wants held, ALL the time. And it’s just crazy to me! I can’t be holding a baby 24/7! My carriers have come in handy though, because I can pop him in there and just wear him while I do things, and he’s happy as a clam. It just gets annoying when he starts grabbing at my face… He’s got sharp little finger nails and he rips my lips open when he grabs them. I don’t like that.

Maddi is starting to talk more, which is cool, but sometimes annoying. Now that she’s figured out she can say things to get things, she automatically assumes that if she says it, then she’ll get it. Hah! I think not. No, Maddi. You can’t have soda, cookies, candy and ice cream for breakfast.

We also got Maddi’s big girl bed set up. My mom got it at the dump… But it was in great condition and was in the set aside pile… It just needed a couple of the rods bent back into shape. My grandpa did that, and now its great. We didn’t set it up for awhile, and just left it outside, but now its up. We still have the crib set up next to it, just to remind her that if she gets up out of bed and throws a fit, then she gets to sleep in the crib… Sometimes that reminder works, sometimes it dosen’t.

I started up a new website, all about breastfeeding and breast milk donation! If you’re a nursing mom or know a nursing mom, you should check it out. we’re having a breast pump giveaway, and there’s even a section on the site for free baby feeding supplies… Things like formula, bottles, nursing pads, etc.

I still have baby fever. Which I’m really bummed about. I don’t want another baby right now. The plan was when Danny was around two years old, but then we did our taxes and we got this home purchase credit, but in order to keep it, we have to stay in our home for three years… And Dan dosen’t want another baby until we’re out of this home and in a bigger one… Meaning, Danny will be around 3 1/2 before I get to have another baby. 🙁 I really didn’t want to wait that long. It feels like forever from now!

Anyways, that’s about all on my end.

I haven’t treated you guys to any photos in a while. So, here’s some to get your fix.

Chelsea, Maddi & Danny the day she left. 🙁 We miss her!

I'm mentally challenged like that.

Where yo polar bears at?!?!

I love this photo.

Danny and chelsea, cuddled up!

Danny fell asleep on his Auntie Allie.

Danny Opening a Gift... or rather, just playing with the bow and drooling.

Aunt Tori helping Maddi open a present!

Danny's idea of milk and cookies on christmas eve.

It was tough actually getting her to open any presents after the first!

I made a hoodie for her. It's supposed to have a deer applique...but it looks like a cat.

I made a funky retro skirt for allie. Had anti-drug slogans all over it!

Danny loves the boobs.

Maddi and Great-Grandma Marilyn opening a present!

Danny with Marlene's Dad at the Christmas Party

My ABSOLUTE favorite photo of Danny.

Danny playing with one of Rex's toys.

Daddy helping Danny with a present!

My neice, Kayleigh

Danny & Marlene. Danny was ENTRANCED by the guitar.

Taking a bath in the sink when the tub got clogged!

He can take her!!!

I’ve been kind of lazy about updating lately. Sorry. My bad.

Things are going better on this end. Danny is feeling MUCH better, which I am super thankful for. I was so worried about him. Turns out he had the staph AND a strep infection at the same time. Definitely not cool. I’m just glad he’s okay.

On a lighter note, my little guy has a tooth! It’s just a teensy weensy tiny little thing, but it’s still a tooth. You can’t really see it, because it’s just the tip, and its barely out of the gum, but its there! It’s exciting but it makes me sad at the same time. He’s almost nine months old. It’s about time he got some teethers going!

Maddi is speaking much better. She still has issues pronouncing things, and trying to use words (she prefers to whine and cry… which she doesn’t get away with anymore). She just has to stop being lazy. She dosen’t like using words, and it’s pretty obvious she’d rather just grunt and get what she wants… But that doesn’t float anymore, not that it did before, but we’ve become much more strict about the no-whining-and-grunting-policy.

I’m struggling with my weight again. I’ve been trying this master cleanse recipe and I have started to see a difference. I don’t really know what else to say on that subject, only that I read a diet pills don’t work – read the study guide and I think I’ll give it a try, I also had the opportunity to check out roids website and I found some information that I know will help me. I’m struggling and I feel like I’m huge. Regardless of what everyone says and what my husband thinks. I know I’m not fat, in my logical mind. But I also know everyone’s lying when they say I’m not fat. I hate these feelings. But I knew they’d be back eventually, and quite frankly, I’m tired of fighting it. I knew that as soon as danny needed me less for nourishment, that this is what would happen.

On a much happier note, Dan was working our taxes… and I’m freaking excited. We’re going to get enough back to pay off ALL of our debt, AND have some left over. Which is awesome. I’m excited. I can’t wait. We’ll be able to pay off EVERYTHING (except the house). So this means, credit cards, collections, and our car! I’m so flipping excited. This is going to make our lives MUCH easier. Maybe we can even start building up a savings.

On top of that, I’m thinking I might adopt our next child. I’ve been putting a great deal of thought into it. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I’m thinking I will. I’d really like to. I may, I may not. We may decide to try for our own, or adopt. I know we’ll adopt eventually, but we may or may not adopt our next child. It depends on how much we’ve saved up, and whether we’re in a bigger house, or what not.

Anyways, that’s my blurb.

Baby sling carriers raise safety concerns


Baby slings may be fashionable among Hollywood stars and other new parents but at a recent meeting I learned about some safety concerns that made me shudder. Over the past 10 years, there have been at least 22 reports of serious injury associated with the use of sling-type carriers. The injuries include skull fractures, head injuries, contusions and abrasions. Most occurred when the child fell out of the sling.

In addition to the injury reports, which were gathered by the Consumer Product Safety Commission, a number of recalls of sling carriers in recent years (including the Infantino pictured) has prompted ASTM-International, a voluntary standards-setting organization, to hold its first organizational meeting to start a standards-development process for sling carriers to address safety problems. Concerns raised by manufacturers, who requested the review, included not only the fractures and bruises but the risk of smothering.  The CPSC information documented a risk of death caused from “positional asphyxia” caused by placing the infant in the sling in a head-forward position that can cause the airway to close.

Some of the incidents with sling carriers were likely due to improper assembly, improper wearing, or failure of rings or other hardware. Most of the sling carriers demonstrated at the ASTM meeting seemed complicated to put on and prone to user error. Clear instructions and perhaps video demonstrations might help prevent mistakes. But, as we all know, consumers may not read the instructions, and misinterpretation or misunderstanding can lead to errors that can endanger precious cargo.

It’s uncertain how an ASTM standard can help make these products safer or error proof. We caution parents who do favor the sling carriers to frequently check the hardware and adjustments—and to do so without the baby on board. For now, we think there are better ways of transporting infants including strollers, hand-held infant carrier/car seats and even other types of soft infant carriers. For additional information on our Ratings for these and other products visit the Babies & Kids section of the Web site or read the Babies & Kids blog. — Don Mays

Consumer Reports on Safety: Baby sling carriers raise safety concerns.

Hmm. Interesting. It made sense to me though. I’ve seen those carrier in person, and honestly, I’ve used a similar one on Maddi. I only ever used it once though because I really didn’t like it. Since I’ve started to make baby carriers, my slings have never been padded. I’d done double-layered slings, but I’ve never padded them. It’s just not safe. And the baby dosen’t really NEED padded in a sling. Just my opinion.

I’m really freaked out about this. We took Danny to the doctor on Monday because his poop had turned into really thick, mucousy, forest-green slime. Like… fish-slime thick. And it smelled really foul. He’s still exclusively breastfed, even though he’s eight months old, so any of you who are familiar with breastfed babies, know that’s not normal. It’s not normal for a baby NOT breastfed. My husband thought I was just worrying too much, but I took him in anyways. They wanted to do a stool sample, so they sent me home with a jar (they forgot to give me a popsicle stick, so I had to use a spoon). I had to wait almost twelve hours before he pooped again, and then took it into the hospital when the kids and I went to pick my husband up from work (his truck is having problems) he though of hiring a professional driver but I told him I got it.

So, then that night, Danny gets REALLY hot. And we co-sleep so I notice these things pretty quickly. I didn’t really think it was a big deal, but I decided to take him to the ER because when I checked him, his fever was 102.6. We go in and all they do is give him some ibuprofin and then send us home! They didn’t do any blood draws, or stool samples, or urine collection or anything. They just looked at me like I was an overprotective mommy who was getting worried for nothing.

So, we take him home and start him on a regimen of alternating ibuprofin and tylenol. This keeps his fever down, but as soon as it starts to wear off, his fever jumps right back up to 102-103, and has continued to do that for well over 24 hours.

Last night and today, he’s been breathing funny. I think it’s just because he’s so worn out and tired. He’s sick and not feeling well, and his nose is boogered up. But I decided to take him into the doctor again to make sure his lungs are okay. They are, thank goodness, but we get some bad news while we’re in there. They got the culture results from his stool sample and he has staph in his stools, which means he has an internal staph infection.

I don’t really know much about staph, but everything I’m gathering from my doctor and my family and friends and various resources online are telling me it’s pretty serious. They immediately started him on antibiotics four times a day, but told me they may switch the antibiotics when they find out exactly what strain of staph it is.

So, I had to take Danny back into the hospital to get his blood drawn, his throat swabbed and a pee-bag put over his winky. He screamed like crazy, but he calmed down as soon as the needle was in his hand (go figure). I feel so terrible. He’s so miserable. He dosen’t really want to nurse, and even his voice sounds different. And his cry too.

I feel horrible and I keep worrying that something bad is going to happen to my baby. I couldn’t handle it if it did and it scares me to think that it’s even a possibility.

The doctors were supposed to call me with the results of the labs as soon as they got them, but they didn’t call. I called them at 4:30 and they still hadn’t gotten them. I’m going to call again first thing in the morning and see if they got them back or not. I’m thinking about asking to have him admitted for IV antibiotics if it’s a bad-bad strain, because he’d get better sooner with IV antibiotics. I’m not a fan of poking my baby with needles, but this is really scaring the living daylights out of me…

When I was in Anchorage with Bre several months back, getting Maddi’s social security number, I picked up a couple pregnancy journals. The first one, I did it for Maddi all about my pregnancy with her. Ironically, I worked on most of hers during my pregnancy with Danny. Today, I started working on Danny’s.

It’s kind of funny how I found out I was pregnant. Bre and I had been living in an apartment together in Kenai. It was this really trippy, bomb-shelter, underground apartment. Tiny, studio apartment.

I had some pregnancy tests leftover from when I lost Jacey. And I don’t even know why we decided to take them, but we did. Probably because they had the droppers to put the pee on the test so it was kind of like a science experiment. I remember Bre saying something like to that effect.

We took the tests and left them in the bathroom. I don’t really remember what we did after that, but we got distracted. We ended up going on a walk down to paradisos and getting chicken wings, and later that evening, Bre went in the bathroom and next thing I know she calls out to the living room, “Umm… Sam? You know you’re pregnant, right?” I went in there and sure enough, my test was positive. I asked her “You sure that ones not yours?” and she just laughed at me and said “I’m sure.”

I don’t remember what went through my head. Shock? Maybe it was because I didn’t really think I was pregnant. I had logical reasons to suspect, but after what happened with Jacey, I was for sure there was something horribly wrong with me and that every little sign and symptom was just my imagination working overtime. After all, you can’t get pregnant so soon after losing a baby… can you?

I was filling out the journal, and the prompt was “When I found out I was pregnant, my first feeling was:” and I just stopped for a moment.

My first thought wasn’t even a thought. It was a swirling cloud of eighty thoughts hitting me all at once. I couldn’t even logically separate the thoughts or isolate them and figure out what I was feeling. All I was feeling was the emotion and feelings behind the thoughts. I couldn’t put words to them. I couldn’t say happy, sad, scared, excited. I was just feeling the intensity of it all instantaneously and simultaneously. It was all very confusing, and very frightening.

I feel guilty for that. Shouldn’t a mother-to-be’s first thoughts be something more special, or hell, even slightly less plural and a great deal less contradicting of each other? I felt guilty knowing that my first thought wasn’t something the typical response from elated new mothers. I felt guilty for not jumping for glee and exclaiming for everyone to hear “Oh my gosh! I’m going to be a mommy!”

I felt guilty because if I had to pick, my first thought was:

“What if this baby dies too?”

I never really thought of it like this. Not until today. Not until I started filling out my pregnancy book for Danny. I never made the connection before. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to, or maybe I just avoid thinking about it and so the obvious didn’t jump out at me like it could have? It’s hard to see something if you spend your life pretending its not there. The allegory of the cave.

When I filled out Maddi’s book, my answers were pretty simplistic. Happy, excited, typical expectant mother dribble. The only thing less than “a baby story” typical in Maddi’s book was that she wasn’t planned. But everything else was.

“We were so happy!” “I couldn’t wait to find out if you were a girl or a boy.” “Daddy and I wondered what you’d look like.” “I gained a lot of weight.” “Everyone was so happy.” “I fell in love with you when I saw you at the first ultrasound.” “I couldn’t wait to meet you face to face.”

As I continued filling out sections of Danny’s book, I kept seeing how vastly different my entries for him were compared to my entries in Maddi’s book. Maddi’s book was full of what I call, “sunshine and rainbow” statements. And with Danny’s… I may not have wrote them, but I realized that every positive feeling I had about the pregnancy, was shrouded in fear.

I wasn’t picking out names. I wasn’t ooh-ing and ahh-ing over all of the cute baby clothes. I wasn’t having planning special ways to share the joyous news. I wasn’t excitedly awaiting my first doctor’s appointment so I could catch my first precious glimpse of my baby on the ultrasound.

I was wondering if my baby would even get a legal name. I was wondering if I’d ever get a chance to put my baby in clothes. I was wondering how long I needed to hide my pregnancy until it was “safe” so I wouldn’t have to endure the heart-wrenching pain of explaining that my child died everytime someone unsuspectingly asked how the pregnancy was going. I was terrified of my first ultrasound because I was afraid they would tell my my baby was dead.

Everything I did terrified me. For even the simplest actions I took, I would rationalize and debate every possible consequence or reprecussion there could be. Making even the simplest decision was enough to throw me into tears because no matter what choice I made with anything, I was, in my mind, convinced that something horrible would happen. And no matter how healthily I lived, somehow, somethng would go wrong, and the end result would be the same.

I would have another dead baby.

It didn’t matter to me that I had Maddi, not for argument’s sake. The fact I had a healthy child and pregnancy in the past meant nothing. It wasn’t credible evidence in my arguments with myself. It was a fluke. Somehow something happened and I got lucky with her, but never again. The mindset I was in, was that I had only a one in a trillion chance of having a healthy baby. I hit it once with Maddi, and there was no way I could beat those odds a second time. I was doomed.

Only now, after filling out some of the sections of that book, do I realize how much I took for granted when I was pregnant with Maddi. I was “depressed” that they couldn’t tell me if she was a girl or boy at only 12 weeks. I was pouting about looking pudgy instead of pregnant. I don’t think that the thought that anythng could possibly go wrong with my baby or pregnancy even crossed my mind. The potential for something terrible happening wasn’t even on my radar. How naive and stupid I must have sounded. How naive and stupid I was. If only I had been aware of the terror pregnancy can truly bring.

Even now, I worry. I’m not pregnant, nor do I intend to become so for a while, but whenever I even entertain the thought of having another baby in the future, or daydream about it, I’m filled with fear. I want more children, more than anything in the world, but even if Dan were to tell me tonight, “Let’s try for another baby.” I don’t think I could. Even with as much as I bug him and whine and pout to him about how I want another baby… I don’t think I could go through with it. I’m so terrified of something going wrong, something happening to my baby, that I don’t know if I could put myself through that again, and if we hadn’t gotten pregnant with Danny immediately after I lost Jacey, I can’t say that I would have tried to have another baby. It’s one thing for me to say I want another baby, and to genuinely want another, which I do, but it’s completely different to jump from talking and wanting, to actually doing. I really want more babies, more than anything in the world… But I’m terrified. Even just thinking about it now. It terrifies me. To the point I just want to cry. I’m so scared of it happening again and I don’t know if I could handle it. I really don’t.

First, I updated my “About Me” page.

I don’t know whats up with me lately. I just feel like crap.

I’m trying to keep positive, but it’s really hard. I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll be stuck in this hole forever, and it’s never going to get any better. I feel like everything I’m doing is just a waste of time because none of it makes a difference anyways. So why should I bother?

I was doing so great with my small goals… But they didn’t really make a difference I guess. It’s depressing.

I guess I’ve been thinking too much lately. I wish I could just stop thinking. But you can’t just shut your brain off… Unless you go into a coma, but even then, you can still think sometimes.

I just find myself thinking about my weight a lot. My body. Jacey. How much I miss her and wish I could have met her. And how I would have given my own life if it meant she would have been okay.

That’s all, I guess.

Okay. So anyone who knows my husband, or at least knows him well, knows that he goes on what I call “drink binges.” He goes through a phase where he drinks one specific drink, several times a day for weeks on end. Since we’ve been together, he’s gone through… Mountain dew, sobe energy drinks, mountain dew again, amp, monster, wild cherry pepsi, dr pepper, wild cherry pepsi, and now those bottled starbucks mocha frappuccinos.

Let me begin this with: I HATE STARBUCKS. I have worked in two coffee shops. And starbucks is by far the epitome of corporate greed. They jip their customers. Overcharge. And are just overall a bad company with a mediocre product.

That, and I don’t really like coffee.

That being said, Dan still does. And money’s tight and those drinks are almost $7 for a four-pack! We can’t afford to be paying that much for him to go through two, three or four a day! Forget it! And there is no offbrand for them either!

So, I tried to find a few recipes for the bottled insanity, and I found two that seemed good. A recipe by The Kurths and a recipe by Christopher. Both recipes were good ones, but I altered them a bit, and kind of combined them.

First and foremost, if you come across a recipe that requires pectin, DO NOT USE IT! It was gross! It thickened the drink up, but it made it taste like chunks of solidified lemonade was in it! EWWW. And also, I do NOT recommend using hot cocoa mixes, or chocolate powders and syrups. I tried those first, and it just made the whole thing taste off.

Bottled Insanity
1 1/2 cups brewed coffee*
6 cups 2% milk
1/2 cup of sugar
5 tsp of unsweetened cocoa

Brew your coffee and then pour into a medium to large size pot. Add sugar and cocoa. Stir until dissolved. Add milk and stir until well blended. Funnel into intended  storage containers and refridgerate.

Yield: This recipe will fill around 5 of the starbucks glass bottles.

*I recommend using 2 1/2 cups of water, and 1/3 cup of coffee grounds and running it through once. However, if you would like stronger coffee, use 3 1/4 cups of water, 1/3 a cup of coffee grounds, and when it’s brewed through the first time, pour the already-brewed-coffee into the back and let it brew through again using the same grounds.

That simple! Easy recipe, huh? It only takes about 5-10 minutes to make after the coffee is brewed. And when I calculated it out, it only cost me about $0.30-$0.45 cents per bottle of it! 😀 Much better than the $2-3 per bottle it normally is!

Anyways. I’m smart. And I feel accomplished.

I’ve been thinking about my baby a lot.
The one I lost.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t work through it after it happened. I dont know. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately though.

I wish I could have met her. 🙁

I found a site. It made me cry my eyes out. I don’t even know how I found it. I just stumbled on it.

There’s a shrine for the unborn babies who have passed away. A book of life. They inscribe your baby’s name into it for you and send you a certificate of life for your baby.

I couldn’t stop crying.

Jacey is in that book now.

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