I’m Pregnant!

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This is my fourth pregnancy and my third baby. We weren’t planning on trying for another baby until fall/winter of 2010, so we’re a few months early with a surprise rainbow baby, and we’re okay with that.

We had an “oops” and I was obsessively testing for a while, but gave up because they were all turning up negative. I found a couple unused tests in my car (I had hid them there because my husband thought I was crazy for taking so many) and figured “why not?” I honestly didn’t think it was going to show up positive, but it did…

I love pregnancy, and I love being pregnant, but there’s one thing that I’m hoping to do different with this pregnancy…. Not have a cesarean.

Madison & Daniel’s Unnecesareans

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I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 18. I knew a little bit about pregnancy from being the oldest of eight kids, but I really didn’t know as much as I should have. To me, having a baby was something people did everyday. It wasn’t something to worry about, let alone be anxious about.

I had a relatively easy pregnancy with my daughter aside from lots of morning sickness. I had Group B Strep, and had some borderline diabetic issues and dehydration a couple times, but for the most part, life was simple.

I went to 41 weeks, and it was at that point I asked my doctor about induction. I was “informed” about the risks associated with it, but I really don’t feel that I was made to understand the realness of those risks. I really regret the decision to induce.

Absolutely nothing happened, which isn’t surprising considering I was 0cm dilated and 0% effaced. I didn’t know that a bishop score should be done before an induction…

Needless to say, a cesarean was inevitable. I was terrified and the experience traumatized me. I suffered from severe post partum depression and had issues caring for and bonding with my baby.

I genuinely believe, had I been better informed, and better educated, and not rushed because I was “overdue” that I would not have had a cesarean.

I went into my second pregnancy more prepared than I had my first. I really wanted to do a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but my faith in myself and my body waivered often. Still, I tried.

I had very little issues with my son’s pregnancy. I didn’t get sick at all, just felt nauseous in the beginning, and had the occasional headache. I had group B strep again, but out of the two pregnancies, this was the easier of the two.

I ended up travelling to Anchorage 4 days before my due date because my obstetrician was going on vacation, and I couldn’t trust the two or three other obstetricians at my hospital to let me try for a VBAC.

I was transferred to a doctor in Anchorage, and just hung around in a hotel until I was nine days overdue. I was persuaded into doing a “light induction” even though I knew that I shouldn’t use any induction drugs since I had a priod cesarean. I ended up having my waters broke for me too.

I remember I was frustrated and angry because I wanted to get up and move around but the nurses wouldn’t let me and kept telling me I needed to lay down because of the monitors. After 12 hours of hard labor, I ended up with “Fetal distress” again and was given a cesarean.

Unfortunately, I did not know until after the delivery that moving around during labor can decrease “fetal distress” and that electronic fetal monitoring has not been shown to improve outcomes in labor or reduce mortality rates.

So, I was forced to lay in bed, when I could have been moving around, for the sake of monitors that did nothing but let us know that the baby’s heart is beating, and yes, I’m contracting.

But I could have told them that.

Big News!

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So, everyone… I wanted to update and let you know what’s going on with us and on our end…

We’re having another baby!

So, if the title wasn’t clear enough, the big news is, we’re having another baby. It’s really exciting. We weren’t planning for another baby until later this year (we were thinking somewhere between early and late winter) but obviously the universe had other plans in store for us.

I kind of had a feeling from the get-go and I was obsessively taking tests and they kept being negative and I gave up thinking “If it hasn’t shown up by now, then I’m not pregnant…” So I gave up and was content with waiting until later this winter…

I ran out to the car to get something for one of the kids, and I saw a couple of my tests out there (I hid them in the car because Dan was calling me crazy for buying more…) and I figured… I have a couple more. Why not? If it’s negative then I know for sure.

I take the test and I can see the faintest of lines….. So, I asked my friend Maryah if she could see it and sure enough she could… And as more time went by the line got darker.. and darker.

It’s way darker than in that picture now, but regardless, there’s a line.

I went into the doctor today and had my pregnancy confirmed. I was so excited. I still hadn’t told Dan and everyone in the office was so excited for me. The same thing happened there though, a light line that turned pretty dark after a bit. Which, for me, is typical. It was the same way with Maddi and Danny.

I came home, and tried to act normal because I was planning on surprising Dan… But when I walked in the door, Dan was cooking/putting dishes away and smirking at me. I asked him what and he said nothing… Then I asked again… Maryah yelled from the living room “He knows…” And I said “HOW?” She laughed and said she didn’t tell him anything, and Dan goes “How do I know what, Sammi? That you’re pregnant?” He was laughing and smirking the whole time…

Turns out he was snooping arounds on my baby sites and he even made an account and said he was going to respond to my question asking for advice on how to surprise my husband with the news!!

Danny Turned One Today…

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Wow.

It’s been an entire year… Well, at 11:57 tonight, it will have been an entire year.

I can’t believe my baby’s grown up so fast….

Just a few weeks before he was born...

Almost exactly 12 hours before his birth...

Just moments after his birth...

The very first time I saw him...

He loves his mommy. A month old...

Three or four months old...

6-7 months old...

8 months old

11 months old...

Jacey

Filed Under Jacey | 3 Comments

This might come off morbid… Maybe it is… I don’t know… But sometimes I wish I had been further along with Jacey when I lost her.

I know losing a baby is traumatic… A miscarriage is traumatic… But one of the biggest things that haunts me about it… is the fact I never got to see her. I never got to touch her, hold her, kiss her, bury her… Take a picture of her. I never got that…

I’d have done anything to just see her…even if only for a moment…

And sometimes… That bothers me.

A poem I wrote for Jacey…

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I haven’t wrote a poem… In years. But, I just felt inspired to write one today… And I did…

I never got to hold you.
I never saw your face.
But deep inside my heart,
You’ll always hold a place.
I never heard your heart beat,
But I know that it was there.
I never saw you on an ultrasound,
I never got a peek,
I never got to lay you in the ground,
I never knew your future would be so very bleak.
I never got to kiss your cheeks,
I never got to stroke your hair,
I carried you with me only a few short weeks,
And I wonder every day what it would be like,
If you were here instead of there.
Someone once said that time heals all,
But someone never lost a child so very small.
The heartache never ceases,
It may not be as intense as it was to start,
But that’s because I’ve gotten used to
This stabbing pain inside my heart.
The tears are always there,
Just beneath the surface,
I remember thinking how unfair,
That you should have to leave me
before I was prepared.
I remember the desolation,
The resignation, and the overwhelming sorrow,
I remember giving up, life just wasn’t enough.
I remember wishing it had been me instead of you,
And even to this day,
Sometimes I still do.
People tell me to be grateful, that I wasn’t further along
And sometimes I think they’re right,
But other times they’re wrong.
At least I could have held you,
And seen your angel face,
I could have kissed your cheeks,
And smoothed your hair in place,
What I would’ve done,
To get a few more weeks with you.
I could have held you to my heart,
I could have said good bye,
I never got to look into your eyes,
I never heard you cry.
This hurt will never soften,
And even though I’ve learned to cope,
I still think of you so often,
And wish that you were here.

“Survivor” -Author Unknown

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I stumbled upon this, and it really touched me…

“My Mom is a survivor
Or so I’ve heard it said
But I can hear her crying
When all other are in bed
I watch her lay awake at night
And go to hold her hand
She’s doesn’t know I’m with her
To help her understand
But like the sands upon the beach
That never wash away…
I wach over my surviving Mom,
Who thinks of me each day
She wears a smile for others…
A smile of disguise
But through heaven’s open door
I see tears flowing from her eyes
My Mom tries to cope with my death
To keep my memory alive
But anyone who knows her
Knows it’s her way to survive
As I watch over my surviving Mom
Through heaven’s open door…
I try to tell her
Angels protect me forevermore
I know that doesn’t help her
Or ease the burden she bears
So if you get a chance, talk to her
And show her that you care
For no matter what she says…
No matter what she feels
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
That time won’t ever heal. “

Clarification on Pregnancy Awareness Guest Posts

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It was brought to my attention through conversations with a friend that my meaning behind my pregnancy awareness guest posts were not understood.

The point of these guest posts, is to help people to understand how deeply these events can impact a woman’s life, and even her family’s life. The death of a baby, no matter how, why or when it passed away, is really thought of as a taboo subject. It’s something you just don’t talk about, and people don’t really understand the intensity of the feelings these events can bring for years to come.

These stories are intended to bring to light how we, as a society, close the door on these subjects. Making the grief and healing process for those who are enduring this, even more difficult.

When I lost my baby, I remember someone said to me, “Well, at least you weren’t that far along, and it wasn’t like.. a real baby, you know?”

I don’t think I have ever felt so hurt by someone’s misguided words before in my life. We don’t deal with these situations, and honestly, I think that makes it harder on women who are going through it. Not once did anyone just ask me if I was okay after I lost my baby… Or if I needed someone to talk to. I was completely isolated in my grief and trauma because it wasn’t something that should be talked about…

The point of these guest posts is to illustrate the reality of the situation and emotions that the mother who are enduring this intense loss are feeling.

I apologize if anyone took this in a different way.

Guest Post: Emalee & Angel Baby Kenner

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This month is pregnancy awareness month, and I wanted to try to share some experiences of women who have suffered the loss of a baby, whether through a miscarriage, a stillbirth, prematurity, even abortion. I want to show everyone just how deeply these issues pertaining to pregnancy can and do affect women, not only in the short term, but in the long term as well.

Over the next couple weeks, I will be featuring posts written by other woman about their experiences and how they relate to their emotions, feelings and lives. If you are interested in writing a post for this, please let me know and we will arrange it.

Our first post is from Emalee, about her precious angel Kenner. You can check her blog out at I am Me.

Here is her story. Please be prepared that there is a photo of her precious baby Kenner after he passed.
“My life changed almost two years ago. I am not the same person i used to be, BUT really how can I be? I miss the old me, the person who didn’t have a care in the world. The girl who never had to face anything too hard. When I think back to the day it all changed, I think about how scared I was, how excited I was. I was finally going to be a mom! Something that I have been trying to become for over 8 years!
It was July 9, 2008 when I found out! I am not sure why I decided to take the test, I just was like oh I have one so I will take it! I never ever thought it would come out positive. I was surprised! I was Happy! I was scared, this really is finally happening to me! I will never forget they day we saw the heart beat! It was AMAZING! It still didn’t feel real, I thought this is not happening to me! I am dreaming! I had my yearly that day too, My mid-wife found something when she was doing it! I had a polyp, she removed it. Small amount of bleeding went with that, BUT it stopped by the end of that day! Shortly after my appointment which was when I was 6 weeks and 5 days along. I started the morning sickness! Oh boy, it didn’t matter what I was going to throw up at least one meal a day! I hated going out to eat because I knew that was going to be the meal I threw up! I had a hard time with meat, any kind of meat especially chicken!
The next appointments went fine, everything was going good. Baby was growing fine, heart beat was strong. I thought up until 14 weeks that we were having a girl! At my 14 week 4 day appointment, that all changed. My mid-wife thought a boy was coming. WHAT A BOY!!! She was not 100 percent sure, but I had to start thinking that just maybe we were having a boy! Start thinking about boy names.  I started spotting at about 18 weeks. What is happening, why am I spotting? I called the Dr office, I needed to see what they wanted me to do! They had me watch it, I had an appointment in a few days. 18 weeks and 4 days still a bit of spotting. Had my ultra sound and found out for sure it was a boy. He was doing well, everything was progressing great! My mid-wife decided to check me and to see what was going on inside me. I had another polyp! She decided that removing it was not going to be the best thing for me, So she left it. At about 20 weeks we went on a trip to Arizona. My nephew was getting baptized. I was still spotting, so I went to have the polyp removed before the trip! It was such a GREAT trip. I remember the day I first felt him move. I had just turned 20 weeks Kyle and I were out to breakfast! I had just finished eating, and then he started kicking and I felt it! It was SO exciting. I wish we had the opportunity to feel him from the outside.
22 weeks was when it all started, when all the things started to fall apart. When my world came to and end, when I became someone different! I became a mom when I was not ready, He was not ready to be born. My body failed me! I went into full blown labor at 22 weeks and 4 days. November 13, 2008 our son was born at 5pm, We all got to hold him and love him during his short life. We said our final goodbyes too his life at 7:10pm when he passed on to a different world. We had 2 short hours with him, 2 hours of something bitter sweet! I had 2 hours to be a mom to a living baby. I am now a mom to a dead baby! TO and angel, to someone I will never forget!
I can’t tell you how many times a day I think about my son. Kenner was my world, he is my life. I will forever miss him. I cant tell you how hard the last two years have been. You go through so many emotions in one day! I know that I am in a much better place then I was a year and a half ago. I can be truly happy, I don’t have to pretend to be ok all the time. I am Ok most days, I still have those days where i am not ok, where I feel like crawling back into bed, and NEVER getting out. BUT I do, I get up  and I get ready for the day. That is all I can do, Just keep on living. Just keep on going. When Kenner, first passed away people kept telling me it would get easier. I didn’t believe them, BUT it does! Everyday its better. I still have those hard moments, those hard days. I miss my son everyday, I wish I had him here with me, I would give anything to have him here with me. TO be holding him in my arms, to be watching him run around the house playing with his toys. Trying to talk to me, I would give anything for that, for just one moment with him. Smell him again, touch him again. TO look at his beautiful place again. I would give anything for that!!!!”
Angel Baby Kenner
Angel Baby Kenner
You can read more about Kenner’s story by clicking here.
Thank you so much for your story, Emalee. We appreciate you sharing something so close to your heart with us. Kenner was a beautiful and amazing little boy.

My Totally-Super-Awesome-Too-Cool-for-Poo Diapers…

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Okay, so they’re meant for poo… but they’re totally too cool!

This is my second to final design for my diapers. :)

Back

The back of the diaper

front

The front without the flaps over it.

Open

The diaper open... Aka...where the yuckies go.

front

This is the diaper with the front closed.

So, as some of you might know, my sewing machine broke. It went kaput. And I pretty much almost cried. Gah. I love my sewing machine. Heck, I just love sewing.

The worst part was that I had been trying to find time to finish sewing up my diapers for my kids for almost two weeks, and when I sit down, it won’t work. Blah. I kind of knew it was coming though because it had been having a few issues before that. We’re going to take it in for an estimate on how much it will cost to repair it, but if it’s too much, I doubt we’ll end up fixing it. We can’t afford to!

Thankfully, my grandma is letting me borrow her sewing machine. And a really nice lady I met, might have one that I can have. Which would be awesome! I’m not picky at all as long as it works, right?

Anyways, I’m off to go make up more diapers for my kiddos! Get them done!


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