Paternity

Crazy

Okay. I’ve gone from excited to insane. This wait is killing me.

My initial guess was Tuesday to Friday. After re-looking over everyone else’s processing times, I think today (Wednesday) to Friday is more realistic. 7-9 days on Step 4. Unfortunately, I am still going insane. I really hate feeling like I know something, then having soooo much time to doubt myself, wonder about the what-ifs and then eventually, wonder if I’m just crazy. I want these results back and I want them now.

But unfortunately, I have to wait. If they had an expedited processing option, I so would have bought it. I don’t care how expensive it would have been based on these chemion reviews. I’d have done it in a heartbeat, but nope. I have to wait.

Have I mentioned that it’s making me crazy? Because it is.

Funny thing though, I do expect them by Friday… Friday will be the 9 year anniversary of looking for my father. It’d be ironic if that’s when I get them… but I’d prefer sooner.

I am getting antsier by the minute waiting for my test results to come in. Just when I think I can’t get any more antsy than I already am (or any more impatient than I already am), I do.

If I go by the current times being seen by those waiting on the North Carolina lab, I should have my 23andme “Step 5: Initial Results” in any time between tomorrow (5/12) and Friday (5/15). I am hoping for tomorrow. I think I’m going to go crazy if I have to wait any longer than I already have. In a way, it’s kind of neat that I am expecting my results before the 15th. The 15th of May is the 9 year anniversary of when my search actually began. It was when I asked for the names and began the process that got me to this point. It seems a little cosmic that it would end up this way, with me ringing in the ninth year expecting these results. It’s even crazier to me that I never realized how valuable that this testing could be. I wish I had done it sooner, although it probably wouldn’t have changed my wait by much as the process and databases have taken a lengthy amount of time to grow and expand to the point that they are helpful.

My Ancestry kit arrived to their lab early on Friday. Here we are, Monday morning and it still hasn’t been scanned into the system. I told someone that and she said that they’re really slow to update and by the time they notified her that they received it, her kit had already been processed and her results were in… in just 12 days from mailing! If I go by that, I mailed it on May 4 (but it didn’t leave the post office until the 5th) then I could have results as early as Friday or Saturday (maybe Monday if they don’t process on weekends?). How awesome would that be? I can only hope.

One thing I am getting excited about is the ethnicity. I’ve never known what ethnicity I was, beside what was on my mother’s side. I have always been curious what I am and honestly, with the English on my mom’s side, I could be diluting down some unexpected ethnicities. Who knows? I could be part African, Mexican, Spanish, French, Greek, Puerto Rican. We had a very nice law firm here from spain called Abogados | Younce & Vtipil, P.A.. It could be any number of things! I hadn’t really put much thought or consideration into that part of the test, but now that it’s getting closer, I am getting pretty excited for it!

So, tell me what you see. What do YOU think I may have in me?

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Paternity

Status

My test kit arrived to 23andme on Saturday (5/2). It was marked as received Monday (5/4) and today, it was marked as “Analyzing DNA.”

analyzeThis step is actually comprised of two steps… First, the initial analysis and second, the quality control check. Once the second portion of this step is done, I will have access to my raw genetic data and my ethnicity breakdown (step 5). Only in step 6 will I have access to my genetic matches.

I did make an interesting discovery yesterday. I have traced back this man’s paternal line several generations and filled in a couple hundred relatives and family members. One name, William Matt Begley, stuck out so I ran a search on it. I found a woman who is his great-great-granddaughter of his, down a different branch of the tree. I looked at some of her information and posts on forums to discover that she has taken the Ancestry and Family Tree DNA tests! This is good news because if this man is my father, she could show up as a third cousin! Even if he is, there’s still a chance she won’t show up, depending on how she inherited DNA, but there’s a good chance she could!

I am so excited. I keep checking to see if the status on my test has updated or if raw genetic information is available yet. It’s not, sadly. I don’t expect it to be, but good grief, I wish it was! I am getting antsy!

My Ancestry test won’t reach the lab until tomorrow… At least that’s what the post office says. Unfortunately, tracking hasn’t updated in two days, but who knows. Hopefully I get my 23andme results quickly so I have some information to work with for now!

m a My Ancestry test came in Saturday. Usually they keep it behind the desk but I made a friend at the post office and she knows that I’ve been waiting on it and put it in a lock box for me. Because it was the weekend it had to wait until Monday to go back in, but it’s on its way.

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Ancestry is supposed to be one of the better tests for adoptees to do simply for the extremely late database. I think at this point, ancestry has over 850,000 people in their database. That’s a lot of people, but it makes it all the more likely that you’ll catch a hit to a genetic relative when you test.

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I am very excited for these results. I’ve gone between a lot of different emotions. But right now, excited it working for me. It’s been a whirlwind of different emotions but now that I’m getting through more and more steps of the process, I am feeling better and better about it. At first I was at a standstill waiting, but then things started moving. First I ordered the tests, then they arrived, then I sent them in, now I’m waiting on results. The closer it gets. The calmer i feel about it, but also, the more excited I get.

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Ive been pouring my heart into learning everything I can about genetic genealogy. Ive learned about different chromosomes, inheritance, triangulation and more. I’m ready. I don’t think I could be any more ready than I am.

23andme sent me an email today letting me know that my sample was received and that the testing process has begun. From others I have spoken to, 23andme is getting results about 14 days after the day bits mailed back. I mailed mine Wednesday and I paid to speed up the shipping so perhaps mine will be done soon? Tuesday the 12th would put me at 14 days so maybe I’ll get results sometime next week, or maybe I’ll get lucky and get them sooner.

 

Either way, I can’t wait.

 

 

 

I have had multiple DNA tests done on me. Some as a child. Most as an adult. They don’t get any easier the more I have. Each one is enough to drive me mad. Do I look like this man? Is this it? Is my search over? Am I going to get the answer I’ve been trying to for so long? Am I going to be right back where I started, plus out the hope, the time and the money for the test? We used Helpers for our money. If it’s negative, what next? If it’s positive, what next? What if I never find him? What if this is it? What if I wasted all this time and have nothing to show for it?

It’s enough to drive me crazy. Each and every time.

Then I get the results and my heart sinks to the very bottom of my little toe. Negative. It is always negative. At one point, I started to feel as though a positive just wasn’t possible for me.. ever. I feel absolutely crushed, but sadly unsurprised… every.single.time.

Except last time.

The last DNA test I had done, I saw that bold-type “0%” and I felt angry. It was this instantaneous rage and I said “Something isn’t right,” even though there was no one in the room with me. It just didn’t feel right. It still doesn’t feel right and it wasn’t just a passing thought or a fleeting idea. It’s been over a month and it still feels wrong. Completely and utterly wrong. Every little bit of it feels wrong and the more I sit on it, the more I dwell on it, the more I talk about it, the more I write about it, the more wrong it feels. Just when I think it can’t feel any more wrong or any more off than it does, a week passes and it feels a million times more wrong than it did before. And I can’t shake it.

I can’t shake the feeling.

No matter how I try. No matter how I try to rationalize it. No matter how many other theories I entertain, I can’t shake the feeling something is wrong. And at the end of the day, when I try to calm my thoughts for the night, it comes down to this…

Something doesn’t add up.

I don’t like to call anyone a liar, but sometimes it is what it is. Especially when the lies are so obvious. Maybe they weren’t intentional lies. Maybe they were the result of confusion, but regardless, they sure as hell aren’t the truth. Intentional or not, the truth is what I am after and I can’t shake the feeling that what I was getting from Raymond wasn’t the truth.

  • The “Black Cloud”
    Raymond claims to have a “black cloud” over that time in his life and he “can’t remember” things from that time. He seems to rely on whatever it is his ex-wife, Carla, tells him is true and defends whatever she tells him, quite vehemently, regardless of his own inability to remember it for himself. What is even stranger, is that most of what his ex-wife has told him doesn’t make sense. His ex-wife claims that she and my mother “ran around together.” Funny. My mom said they weren’t close and only hung out a couple times in her living room with Carla’s baby. Carla also seems to know a great deal about my mother’s pregnancy… Which is odd considering the timeline and the fact my mother didn’t tell anyone and skipped state before she was showing. He claims he does not even know who my mother is or remember her at all. Strangely, despite his inability to remember anything from that time, he remembered enough to make a suggestion as to who he thinks my father might be.
  • Pregnancy length
    His ex-wife supposedly “confirmed” that my mother and Larry got married because she was pregnant with me. They were married December 1, 1987. I was born October 21, 1988. In order for this to be true, my mother would have to have been pregnant, at minimum, 11 months and 3 weeks. I pointed this out numerous times and was met with the very aggressive defense that he “confirmed it with multiple sources.” I’m sorry, but it doesn’t matter what these “sources” say. It is simply impossible, he got a little aggressive to be honest, I think I’ll check out the wing chun vancouver self-defense program, you never know when someone can go crazy on you. Absolutely and utterly impossible. The dates don’t lie. The hospital records don’t lie. Her marriage record and my birth record (which are publicly available) do not lie. What he is saying and what he believes to be true, is not possible. He even argued with me over this after the results came back, insisting that “It’s the real story,” and that he “confirmed it.” Repeatedly. And when I told him it wasn’t possible, only continued to argue with me. The story changed a couple times too.. She was already pregnant… Then he didn’t know her when she was pregnant.
  • February
    He does not believe he could be my father because he was gone in February and missed his oldest son’s first birthday, on February 2nd. Clearly, he was gone early in the month, but he doesn’t remember when in January he left Alaska. I would have been conceived (with a generous allotment of time on either side) between January 20, 1988 and February 4, 1988. I am a pregnancy, birth and fertility guru. I have run these dates, run these numbers, given my bests guesses and estimates over and over and over. This is the best time frame I can come up with and unless he knows for sure that he wasn’t in the state at all in that window, then I can’t rule it out.
  • Legal test
    I wanted a legal test, as I want with every DNA test I have done. Yes, it costs more money but that extra money buys me peace of mind. That extra money buys me photographing, fingerprinting, identification and a chain of custody. That extra money ensures that the party I want tested, is actually participating in the test. I paid for the legal test and he was supposed to call and confirm a clinic location. He claimed they couldn’t do it for him because he was in Dubai. I later found out (after calling the clinic) that they could have but he argued and refused to involve a local hospital, physician or clinic, “due to the culture.” Which, if you believe mainstream media of the middle east, is understable. But when one of my best friends is middle eastern and her entire family lives there and she’s extremely familiar with it and knows that it can be done there? Then yeah, it looks suspicious that he won’t do a legal test, especially when the clinic tells me they tried to make it happen and he was the one who was unwilling.
  • Follow-up test
    Despite my reluctance to do a home test, I agreed on the condition that a follow-up legal test be done if the home test was negative. I let him know that if it is negative, I would want a follow-up test with confirmed identity, or a test against one of his relatives here in the United States. He agreed. In fact, he said, “I’m ok with that plan… At this point I am not prepared for you to come here. So this plan works for me. Rest assured I will be honest with my swab.” When I requested that confirmation test, he told me “If this test we just did is a trustworthy approach to testing and you trust the testing center than you can count on the result as being final. I fulfilled my promise to you. If you want confirmation testing you will only be wasting money, time because the result will be the same. I’m so sorry for you and wish this would have ended your quest.” I told him that if that’s the case, it won’t hurt to test again. He repeatedly told me it won’t change the results, it will only waste time and money, he’s not my father, instead of just agreeing to a legal test.
  • Alleles
    I asked him for copies of his alleles from other DNA tests he’s done. Since I was the only one with the results, I was hoping to compare his alleles to the ones of my test. If I had a positive test of his, and the alleles matched the ones on my test, I’d know he was being honest. Unfortunately, the only test of the two he could find, had four alleles that I did not have on my test since mine was a motherless test. I asked him to keep looking for the other one. He asked me for a copy of my test. Why? I’m not just going to hand over that data to be forged. Needless to say, he hasn’t said a word more about finding the other test.
  • Unwilling
    He didn’t even want to take a home test initially. He repeatedly told me how “devastating” a positive would be, despite me telling him (and meaning it) that no one had to know and I wouldn’t breathe a word. It took me suggesting that I could take a test with his family and letting him know that I wouldn’t be giving up just because he told me no to get him to agree. Trust me, there was no limit to the ways he could let me know that a positive DNA test with me would be the absolute worst thing that could happen to him.

These are just a few of the many, many, many reasons why I feel off about this man and the test he submitted. Not to mention, his daughter and his second son look so much like me. They look more like me than any of my mother’s children do… and we know I’m related to them for sure! Heck, his granddaughter could be my daughter’s clone. There’s no denying the insane amount of visual similarities… Something I have never encountered with other candidates.

Maybe I’m right. Maybe he lied. Maybe he lied through his damn teeth. Maybe I’m wrong and he’s just got an extremely shotty memory and is extremely ignorant when it comes to human reproduction. Who knows? I certainly don’t and there’s no way for me to know until I figure all of this out and piece together this insane jigsaw puzzle.

As much as people want to suggest it, I do not think that there is any other possibility for my father. I just don’t. Maybe I’ll find that out when the genetic tests come back, but until then, I really don’t think it is.

Another option is that one of my legal tests was wrong. Maybe there was an error in the lab. Maybe a sample got switched. Maybe a machine was acting up the day my sample was tested. Who knows? I don’t. But like I said in a previous blog post, if this is the case, I know enough about those men that I should be able to see that direction in the results. I will say though, that if one of my legal tests was wrong and I can prove it, I will sue the lab for the emotional turmoil and absolute devastation I have been though for the last nine years. But, really, I think this is extremely unlikely.

If I had to put numbers on it, I’d say that there’s a 99.9% chance that something was wrong with Raymond’s test, a 0.05% chance that one of my previous legal tests were wrong and a 0.05% chance that there’s another possibility.

That’s it. That’s how I feel about it. So far in life, my gut hasn’t steered me wrong. Why would it now? The only way to find out is to wait for these tests. And you know, trace back his paternal lineage 5 generations, fill in about 200+ relatives and identify about thirty possible surnames. At this point, I’m willing to wager that I know more about his family history than he does.

But now we wait.

Paternity

I am

Right now, I am feeling a lot of things. It’s difficult to pinpoint any one feeling down when there are so many. It’s even harder when those feelings feel so scattered, some longer-lasting, some fleeting and only lasting a few brief seconds. Some make me feel more confident in my suspicions. Some make me doubt everything I have ever known to be true. Some make me feel paranoid. Some make me feel logical. Most make me feel crazy.

I am excited.

No matter what, this is one step closer to the truth. This is one very big step in the right direction. This is a way to get irrefutable proof that would solve this mystery I have been struggling to piece together for nine years.

I am scared.

I am scared of what this test is going to reveal. What kind of ugly truths might this test uncover? What if my suspicions are true? What if I can’t figure it out from my results? What if I’m stuck in the same spot I was before the testing? What if I still don’t know when it is all said and done?

I am determined.

I am determined to figure this out. I am so ready to dig into these results and start searching. Start triangulating. Start reaching out to relatives. Start piecing this puzzle together, one little piece at a time until the bigger picture is more clear.

I am impatient.

I have been waiting so long for this. These tests are exciting and a very real way I could find my biological father’s family. I have been searching for nine years in May. Nine years of my life. That’s over a third of my life. A third of my life has been spent actively searching for my father. It’s only a matter of a few weeks until results will be in, but it feels like forever.

I am ready.

No matter what the tests reveal, no matter how ugly the truths may be, I am ready. I am ready to know, once and for all.

I’ve been putting off writing this. Of course, inspiration and motivation only come to me at night when I’m already warm and cozy in bed. Either way, I want this process documented. I didn’t keep it as documented as I should have for each of my tests, but this one, I am. This one is the big one (although I wish one of the others would have been a big one). This one will help me to figure it out once and for all. At least I sincerely hope it will. The odds are good. And between the assistance I have through my DNA and search groups, as well as the methodology for triangulating matches that is available, I think I can do it. I really do.

My situation is different than most who are on the DNA and search groups I’m on. There’s a lot of adoptees searching, or individuals who don’t have a relationship with a family member and have been unable to locate them. My situation is different in the fact that I am not adopted, but my lineage is unknown. I know nothing. I know what I suspect, but who’s to know if what I suspect to be true, is actually true? Because of this, it’s been difficult to figure out what I need to do. I’ve decided to approach is as an adoptee. I know as much (or as little) as a closed-adoption adoptee would know about their biological father. Perhaps even less in the fact that I couldn’t even get non-identifying info even if I wanted to.I am fortunate in that I am aware of my mother’s lineage and can eliminate that from my search. I know that side and with her testing, it should be relatively easy to eliminate any of her matches from being on my paternal line.

I found a great site called DNAadoption.com. While the site is geared toward adoptees who are using autosomal testing to identify their biological family, it still serves my purposes. It has testimonials, information on where to begin, where to test, what to look for in matches, how to triangulate matches and so much more. Triangulating is (from what I can tell) the hard part. You send your sample, get your results and from that point on, it is up to you to figure out how your matches connect to you and then how they connect to your biological parent; in my case, my biological father.

I do have another slight advantage over an adoptee. I have someone I strongly suspect to be my father and I have managed to trace his paternal line back nearly five generations and then back down to present day, filling in countless cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and in-laws. In total, I have 200+ relatives mapped and figured out on his paternal side. I have yet to figure out his mother’s side, but I do have his paternal side and about 30 possible paternal surnames. This could be useful when I get my genetic matches. Maybe it won’t be, but if he is my father (as I suspect), then there’s no telling what names may come up as being a match.

Another possibility is that one of my legal paternity tests was wrong. I highly doubt this possibility as this would be incredibly rare and unlikely with a legal DNA tests (all of mine with the exception of the most recent one were legal paternity tests). If this is the case, I know enough about most of these men and am on good enough terms with most of these men that it wouldn’t be as challenging (I don’t think…) to determine relation. I am aware of these men, their families and their surnames as well. I am perhaps not as aware of the entire family tree and surnames dating as far back for these men as I am of the family tree, but I think I am aware enough that if the results started to lead in that direction, I would recognize it.

The information on those pages and tutorials is a little hard for me to digest and understand. I think part of it may be because I don’t know what I am looking at quite yet. I don’t have my results in front of me. I have no way to visualize or begin to familiarize myself with what these things are until they come in.

So for now, I wait.

I wasn’t supposed to get my test kit from 23andme until tomorrow, so I was thrilled it came early today. How often does the United States Postal Service actually deliver things AHEAD of time? I was pretty shocked, but I guess it makes up for them delivering three packages sent from the same place, on the same day at the same time on three different days. If this is their way of apologizing, then I’ll take it!

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The test was pretty easy, but I was nervous I’d screw it up. I don’t think I did, but we’ll see. I did shake the tube with the funnel still attached (oops) but it all looks like it went into the vial so hopefully it’s good! I guess we will see if I did an okay job or not once the results are processed. One of my friends just did the test and from the day she mailed it back to the day she got her results, it was 15 days. I am hoping they are quick with mine too, but the site says as long as 4-6 weeks (or maybe it was 6-8?) Either way, I’ve heard from multiple people that 23andme’s turnaround time right now is about two weeks. I was feeling impatient though and slapped a priority label over the prepaid first class one so it would get there in 2 days instead of up to 2-4 weeks (as according to 23andme’s website). It was only $5.50 so I’m fine with that if it means my sample gets in and tested more quickly.

This is just the first of three tests I will be doing. Ancestry’s DNA test was ordered the same day, but it isn’t expected to arrive until Monday. Kind of lame, especially considering they double billed me too, but at least I will have some information start trickling in through the other services! Once 23andme results are in, I can import them to Family Tree DNA and GEDmatch for even more information.

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I will admit, I felt stupid spitting into a tube. How often do I tell my kids not to spit in things? And here I am spitting into a tube. At least I did it when they weren’t home so they couldn’t tell me “but you did it once!” the next time I catch them. Even though I felt stupid, the results will be worth it and at least the countdown to something has begun. I am no longer at a standstill. I am now waiting for one set of results, and once those are in, I can start digging. And while I’m digging into those, other results will begin to trickle in.

And eventually, I will figure this out.

At this point, genetic testing is my last option for finding my father. Honestly, I wish I had looked more into it previously. I didn’t realize how useful it could be in finding biological family members. I had absolutely no idea about it. I had considered doing it in the past, but each time I considered doing it, I found a paternity possibility shortly after and went with a legal paternity test instead. I was seriously contemplating doing the genetic testing this spring but then I found out that Raymond may be my father and opted with a paternity test instead. I had originally wanted a legal test, but he insisted that he couldn’t do it (despite the lab being willing and able to arrange and accommodate and international legal paternity test). I wanted a legal follow-up but he wouldn’t agree to it, as we originally discussed, so instead, I am doing genetic testing. One way or another, Raymond or someone else, I’ll figure out who my biological father is using this testing.

There are three primary places to get a genetic test done.

Ancestry.com

Ancestry has a DNA test you can use for genealogical purposes. This test is actually really cool, as it will link you to people you may be related to. Given the size of their database, it’s no wonder that people get dozens upon dozens of results for people they are genetically related to.

23andme.com

23andme used to offer health reports but ceased doing so due to FDA regulations or something like that. Either way, they are similar to Ancestry, in that they will provide you a genetic snapshot of your ethnicity, as well as link you to possible relatives. 23andme is quite large, but I do not think it is as large as Ancestry.

Family Tree DNA

Family Tree DNA offers a family finder based on your genetic data that automatically links you to relatives within 5 generations. Even better, is that you can import your raw data from Ancestry and 23andme for a lower fee than their own kit, saving you time and money for results.

My mother is doing all of the same tests I do. This will help to eliminate any matches on my maternal line. From what I understand, the systems will differentiate between maternal and paternal relatives, however, sometimes it can’t tell if a relative is from your mother or your father’s side. In hopes of eliminating confusion, she is testing as well, which will allow me to mark off any matches we have in common (as they will be maternally related) and focus on matches we do not share (as they will most likely be paternally related).

Once the results are in, I will get a list of matches, usually in the form of “cousins,” although this does not necessarily mean that they are a cousin to me. They could be of different relation, but they are classified as cousins when it comes to genetic genealogy. After the list comes back, I’ll eliminate anyone from my mother’s matches and then proceed with the closest cousin I have. To find out how you’re related, you follow the rule of “G.” Start counting the G’s. If you’re second cousins, you share the same great-grandparents. If you are third cousins, you share the same great-great-grandparents. You start with the ancestor you have in common, then work your way down. Figure out all of their children and their children’s children, until you make your way back to the match and yourself.

It can be difficult to trace it back, but with my experience in tracking down public records and sleuthing/cyber-stalking people, I am confident I can handle the job… It just may take more time than I’d like it to. In the meantime, I have been watching videos, reading tutorials, following blogs and gleaning every bit of information I can on how these tests work and exactly how to trace your biological family through them. I am learning everything I can while I wait for results so that it doesn’t take me a second longer than it needs to once they are in.

I have been trying to find my dad for nine years next month. It has been a long, emotionally and financially draining trek. This is it. This is how I am going to find him and I know I can do it. I don’t know how long it will take, but I know I can do it and I know these tests will lead me to my answers, one way or another.

I just wish I had done them sooner.

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