This will likely be the last blog post I make before I find out if the test results are negative or positive.

It’s unreal.

I was ready to know Friday, but now that it’s Tuesday… It’s D-day, so to speak. We’re either going to come out of this victorious, or walk away defeated.

And both are terrifying.

If it’s positive… I don’t know if I’ll be able to believe it… I don’t know how I’ll handle that… After all… I’ve been searching for so long, and searching so hard… How would I have ever guessed that I actually would find him one day? Just seems to defy the natural order of all the things that can be my daily life… i.e. nothing going right, especially when I need it to.

If it’s negative… Well, the only silver lining is that this always happens to me… I get my hopes up, and start thinking positive, only for it to be crushed like a tiny little pansy, poking up through the sidewalk cracks.

Both answers, I think, are going to be difficult for me to swallow.

I went to my GP yesterday. I tried to get into a counselor, just for an urgent-type visit, but no one was open for weeks, and an appointment several weeks out isn’t going to help me, so I scheduled with the GP. She got me in really quickly and when she came in, I actually talked about it in depth with her. Sure, I’ve wrote some of my feelings out… But I haven’t actually said them aloud to anyone. Mostly because I don’t think anyone knows what to say… I tried to talk to Dan but he seemed really unsure of how to react and I didn’t want to lay that on him.

I cried.

My GP was great though. I hope she wasn’t busy because she spent a good chunk of time in there with me. She prescribed me some valium, wished me well and gave me a hug. Took some last night, because she told me to, especially if I couldn’t sleep… I didn’t realize how bad that stuff knocks you out. I fell asleep sitting up with a cup in my hand on the couch and Bre and Dan telling me to go get in bed… I think I need a sleep apnea treatment instead.

But for the first time in the last couple weeks, I slept.

Of course, I had several dreams. All of which I remember. And all of which revolve around my impending DNA results.

The first one was strange… I was sitting in this hotel lobby looking place, but it was a clinic… and you could see this pool inside of some glass windows, and when they called yur name you had to swim to get the results… but the water was boiling hot. I asked if I could skip the swimming because I don’t swim well, and I had Ava strapped to me and the clerk blew up at me and told me my results would be the absolute last… and there were hundreds ahead of me…

The next one, I was at a girl’s house that I don’t particularly like… Maddi and Danny were inside and getting into all this nasty garbage all over the trailer and I kept lecturing them not to… There were a lot of people there… And a lot of drugs. I kept checking my phone waiting for a call, and I never got one. All of a sudden, I realized I couldn’t find Ava… I went back outside and realized she had gotten out of her car seat somehow, and was facedown on the floor, screaming bloody murder, most likely for hours before I found her. When I got her, I went back in to grab Maddi and Danny and couldn’t find them anywhere.

Then, in another, I was waiting for the phone call… Waiting and waiting… I logged on to Facebook, only to see a picture of the potential father and his wife holding this long, rectangular red piece of paper… Captioned “Sorry! Negative!”

And they all felt real.

I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do it, but at this point, all I can do is wait… and hope that my heard doesn’t explode.



Right now, I don’t even know if there are words for how I’m holding up… I was okay before, but now, I’ve hit a low and I haven’t seemed to be able to pull out of it. We were supposed to know the results by Friday… But instead, we’re forced to wait until Tuesday…

I don’t even know what to do or say.

It’s been so hard to keep cool and not turn into an anxious mess just waiting until Friday. I know it’s only four days more… But this is something I have been waiting my entire life for, and have been searching and searching the best I know how to for the last five years. And they make us wait even longer.

I still don’t know what I will do… Positive or negative. Even if its positive, I don’t really know if it will change anything, aside from giving me the peace of knowing, and finding the answers to where that part of me came from. It will bring some closure and healing to an old wound. If its negative… At least I met some great people, formed some friendships, and will keep in touch with, despite the disappointment.

But for now…

I’m depressed. Anxious. Afraid. Nervous. Dreadful. Scared. Alone.

Monday, I might call around and see if any counselors could get me in on a really quick basis… I just want to talk about it and perhaps get some help preparing for either result…

I just feel so alone.


Unexpected Emotions

I was 17 when I was told the names of the two men who could be my father.

The last few days have been a whirlwind. Actually, the last two weeks have been… Between my little sister going missing (and her subsequent recovery) to finding the man who may be my biological father.

It seems as if I’ve been standing in the center of a hurricane. I can’t feel the wind,  but I can see what it’s doing and it’s overwhelming.

I’ve spent so long thinking that I would never find my father, and that this part of me would always be void. I’ve spent so long thinking that it was always going to be this way and nothing would change, no matter how much I searched. I’ve been searching so long, that I didn’t stop to think, “What happens when I find him?”

The answer seems like it’s simple. We get a DNA test and go from there. That’s what we did last time. I never talked to the guy. My mom orchestrated it all. I got the cheek swab, we waited for the results and that was it. They were negative, and it hurt, but part of it was a relief. The guy in question wasn’t the most savory character, so even though it stung like nothing before to get a negative result, there was at least some silver lining to it. I wouldn’t have to meet my father for the first time in a jail cell.This time, it’s even scarier.


Because this man, his wife, their family and their friends… They all seem so amazing. Just from the limited interactions I’ve had with them, I can tell they’re such positive people. They didn’t react the way I expected when I approached them. They were open, accepted and excited. They still are. These people are really nice, and I like them. I want to be part of that.

So why is it scary?

There’s still a chance I’m not. There’s still a chance that this amazing family isn’t connected to me at all and that I might be putting them through this all for nothing. I hate the thought of getting them excited, and getting their hopes up just for the test to turn out negative.

There’s a chance that all of those similarities I’m seeing between us aren’t real and that maybe I’m just trying too hard to see what I want to see. There’s a chance that all of the silly little coincidences that have to mean something that I keep stumbling over, really are just that. Coincidences.

That is what scares me.

The problem with this fear, is that there is no solution to it either way. Had I not approached them, I’d have spared them the excitement and possible letdown, but I’d still be dealing with the inner turmoil I’ve always dealt with. The only option, is to continue on, and find out the truth.

So for now, I’m stuck here, in limbo,  in the eye of this emotional hurricane, and even though I can’t see it on the outside, I can feel it on the inside.

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