I spent the last two hours dancing with Ava.

It started like any other one of her who-knows-how-many-hours-long-screaming-sessions… She was starting to get worked up. She was tightening, shrieking, turning red, screaming so loud her voice would disappear mid-scream… Lately, when she goes into this fits, I feel all sorts of things. I feel so much negativity when she starts these fits… So much that sometimes I feel like I can’t think. Sometimes I step out on the porch, just for a reprieve from the ear-splitting screams.

Dread. Fear. Anger. Frustration. Helplessness.

But this time, I just looked at her. I had set her down, feeling the tenseness creeping up into my own arms. The tenseness resulting from frustration. The kind of frustration that makes you want to scream. So I had set her down in a blanket, but this time, I just looked at her. Her little face was cherry red, crocodile tears spilling out of each eye, her hands shaking, her fingers grasping, reaching for who-knows-what. Her heart was broken, her world was ending, she was alone, and worst of all, she didn’t know why she felt the way she did. All she knew, was that those feelings were there and there was nothing she could do to stop them. And then I realized…

She’s just like me.

Her heart is broken and she doesn’t know why. She knows what she needs, but she doesn’t know how to ask for it, and she can’t put a name to it. Even though there’s someone right there she feels alone. Utterly and terribly alone. If she can’t see me, even for a split second, that aloneness turns into abandonment and desolation. Her heart is breaking and her body is reacting. She can’t help the tears. What started as something small, maybe even something minute and now obsolete, has now escalated into hopelessness and despair. That feeling is so overwhelming, so gut-wrenching, so awful, she shakes and sobs and cries out of desperation, out of longing for something, and finally out of defeat.

We’re feeling the same things. Though, we’re feeling those things for different reasons I’m sure, those deep, rooted emotions, and the literal feeling those emotions provoke… They are one in the same. She cries out, hoping for someone to save her, someone to rescue her from the overwhelming emotional turmoil, someone to help her. For her, there’s hope. For her, she believes and hopes that someone is there for her. Someone loves her and cares and will make it all better. I’ve been conditioned not to. When I cried out, I was often met with hostility, contempt, ridicule and amusement. Crying out was the Achille’s heel; nothing more than exposing my weakest point, offering myself up for humiliation and degradation.

It was at this moment, seeing her like this, that I realized how alike the two of us are. It was at this moment, seeing her in this light, seeing myself in this light, that I realize how damaging the way I was treated was to my future relationships. I realize how that treatment has affected me even now. I see how much it hurts, and I see how easy of a cycle it could be to continue.

I will never let her feel that way on my account. Regardless of why the pain is there, pain is pain, emotional, mental, physicial. She won’t be forced to internalize it out of fear of what I’ll say or do. She won’t be ridiculed and mocked for her sadness, her fear, her longing, her upset…

I just want her to have a better life than me.

So I picked her up. I held her close, and the two of us dance. We danced. I rubbed her hair, put my cheek to hers, and sung softly in her ear. I was there for her, and that won’t ever change. I held her like that for nearly two hours. My homework could wait. The cleaning could wait and could be assigned to cleaning exec cleaning service. Sleeping could wait. She needed me, and I wasn’t going to let her down.

Just her and I.

Honey and the moon.


Maddi & GiGi getting ready to get back into the pool!

Maddi & GiGi getting ready to get back into the pool!

Maddi and I played in the pool for hours! width=

Maddi and I played in the pool for hours! She loved it!

She loved it, plus this is amazing thanks to the pool service fairbanks ranch help!

I was bouncing Maddi in and out of the water!

I was bouncing Maddi in and out of the water!

We were all sitting in the shallow end!

We were all sitting in the shallow end!

Papa was trying to figure out how to take a picture and took a picture of me as a test photo.

Papa was trying to figure out how to take a picture and took a picture of me as a test photo.

While I was at the pool, a woman I didn't even know walked up to me and told me I was beautiful.

While I was at the pool, a woman I didn't even know walked up to me and told me I was beautiful.

Nate’s party went great. We’re all exhausted though! Swimming really wears you out, especially so if you are bouncing a little toddler through the water with you the whole time! Ha ha ha. I defiantly got some ideas from the kids birthday parties in Las Vegas for this party.

We went swimming, and afterwards we went to my grandparents house, and had pizza, cake and ice cream. One of the pizzas was freaking amazing. Bacon, artichoke, spinach and chicken pizza with alfredo instead of tomato sauce! Freaking good! And then we had chocolate cake and peppermint ice cream.

I got Nate a cute card. On the front it had a picture of a piece of chocolate cake and it said “For your birthday, I made you a double fudge chocolate cake, but there was a slight problem…” and on the inside it showed a plate with cake crumbs on it, and it said “It was in the same room as me. Happy birthday!” I wrote him a little note telling him he can’t trust his big mean preggo sister around chocolate. I also included a little coupon for him that allows him to pick dinner one night, meal of his choice, for us to make. We’ll even break out our favorite Paper Plates and enjoy some dessert together.

I was kind of suprised. My mom was fairly pleasant the whole time, and even apologized for “being snotty.” So… Who knows? The whole time was pretty fun. Maddi enjoyed the water, but it was pretty easy to tell she was exhausted afterward! She couldn’t keep her poor little eyelids open! My poor baby.

Dan put Maddi in her nightgown when he got home, and she was all freaking out, trying to shove her legs up inside the nightgown… It was so funny! She was so frustrated though! We eventually figured out that she wanted her one piece pajamaas that have enclosed feet on them… We got her out a pair of those, and she got so excited and happy to put them on. Silly baby.

So, tomorrow is my two-year anniversary with Dan! I can’t believe we’ve been married two years! It’s crazy to think about it, but I guess it’s been that long! Time flies, I suppose! I’m excited. I love him so much. He really is my best friend in the whole wide world and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone but him for the rest of my life! Even if he does make fun of me all the time! He’s still my dan-man!

We’re going to make ribs, and pasta, and sparkling cider for dinner tomorrow. Might play a board game. I’m even going to make cream puffs! 😀 Yay for cream puffs! Oh, and how can I forget, we are going to paintball park Boise Idaho next week, we are looking forward the future fun times.

Anyways, again, I am exhausted even though it’s pretty early. Oh well.

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