I lost my baby Jacey on August 3rd, 2008. It was by far one of the most difficult times of my life. Honestly, I think you could combine every bad thing that’s ever happened to me, multiply it by a million and it would barely even compare to the agony and sorrow I experienced when I lost Jacey.

It’s been a long time… Almost two years now, but I still miss her. Everyday.

I wish I could have met her, even if only for a moment. I would have taken her place in a heartbeat.

I wish I could have known for sure that she really was a she, instead of having to rely on just my gut feeling.

I wish I would have gone to the doctor sooner… So there would at least be a record of her existence, other than the positive pregnancy tests, and my discharge paper from the hospital for “severe abdominal cramping and excessive hemorrhaging.” By the time I got there, my levels were barely an 8. I wish I would have gone sooner. I wish I could have gotten something, something in writing, stating she was really there.

I wish I wouldn’t have looked when they did the ultrasound. Before they did it, I kept hoping that “maybe its just a little bleeding. Maybe she’s okay. Maybe it’s nothing.” But when I looked up at that screen and saw absolutely nothing, I started sobbing harder than I ever have. Heart-wrenching, body-shaking sobs. Looking at that screen, it made reality set in. A reality I wasn’t prepared to handle.

I wish I would have wrote her one more letter. I had made a goal to write in a journal for her every day. From the time I got the journal, to the time I lost her, I wrote three letters. I wish I wouldn’t have skipped a few days.

I wish I was able to throw the pregnancy tests away… But I can’t. Those sticks dipped in pee are all I really have left of her. I can’t just let that go. I’ve thought of burning them. And putting the ashes in an urn. But I don’t think plastic will turn to ash.

I wish it didn’t hurt so much. The grief isn’t as intense as it was in the beginning, but it still hurts just as much.

I wish I could stop crying. I still cry about it. I don’t think a week goes by where I don’t think of it, and wonder what she would have been like.

I wish I could stop having these dreams about her. I don’t have them all the time, but when I do, it’s all of us. Maddi, Danny, Jacey and I… We’re all so happy. And I’m just so filled with joy… That when I wake up, and realize she isn’t here, I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I know that if she had been born, there wouldn’t be a Danny, but still… In my dreams, we’re all there.

I wish I wouldn’t have let myself become so stressed when I was still pregnant with her. I wish that she could have spent her short life in a calm and peaceful place. I wish I could have at least given her that.

I wish I could have traded places with her. But I know that wasn’t possible.

I wish I hadn’t been so filled with hate after I lost her. It seemed like as soon as I lost her, everyone I knew, and everyone I saw was pregnant. Fate was being cruel. While waiting to get my pain medication after I lost her, I saw five pregnant women, in less than fifteen minutes. I went into a stall at Fred Meyers and cried even harder. And when one of my friends announced to me that she was pregnant, just a week or two later… I wasn’t happy for her. I was so angry. I hated her for it. I wish I hadn’t been that way. I wish I just could have been a good friend and been happy for her.

I wish I wouldn’t have hated Jane for what she did. But it was so hard for me not to hate her, when she chose to end her baby’s life… And I would have done anything to prevent my baby from dying.

I wish I would have been more prepared. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so traumatic… But at the same time, I don’t think that there is a way that anyone can prepare for something like that.

But most of all, I just wish it wouldn’t hurt so much. It’s been almost two years, and it still hurts. I still cry. I still miss her everyday.

I have made progress. Even though that progress is miniscule. I try to think of her in happy terms. That’s why I’m putting her name in the park. Somewhere happy, full of smiles, laughter and joy. Somewhere that can carry her name, and her memory in a happy way.

But it still hurts.

So, you’ll be happy to know, Deedee has settled in pretty well. She’s a complete sweetheart. She was really skittish and hid a lot at first, but now she comes out quite a bit, and she even plays with Blueberry. She comes in my room several times a night and lays with me, usually for only twenty minutes at a time. It’s funny though, because she and Blueberry are really possesive over me when I’m sleeping. They both don’t want to let the other sleep with me and they get upset at each other if the other tries to! I must be popular.

We had a barbecue a couple days ago because Dan’s grandma from texas was down. It was fun. It was a lot of work, but it was fun. I even got to hold Kayli (my neice) for more than five minutes… for once. We had steak, shrimp alfredo, salad, corn on the cob and strawberry shortcake. It was fun, even though it rained. The only thing that could have made it better was no rain, a bonfire and s’mores.

I’ve been working on my review blog quite a bit. I do have to say, I’m impressed with how well its doing. I didn’t think it’d take off so fast, but it has! I have reviews left and right! I’m running behind what I’d like my schedule to be, but it’s fine. It keeps me busy. I usually end up taping and writing my reviews on the weekends when I can have one of the kids, or my friend Maryah come over and help me tape them and conduct them. I love it.

I’ve finished my first manual for my childbirth educator training; communication. I can’t really say that I’ve learned a lot from it, because I just took a communication class at the college, at the same time as I was working on the manual, and I have to say, a lot of the concepts were pretty much the same. But I guess it’s a good refresher. The only thing that wasn’t really covered in my college class was the last section on miscarriage and grief.

We’re supposed to write a reflective communication paper, about something we’ve gone through that changed our lives, something we learned from, an experience that really changed us. For me, that’s the loss of my baby Jacey. I know it wouldn’t be genuine if I wrote about something else… So, I’m going to write about it. I’m really nervous about it. I started crying today just reading the section about miscarriage and grief. It was a short section, but still, it was hard to get through. I don’t know how I’ll be able to get through writing a huge paper about it.

I’ve been wanting to do something special, in remembrance of Jacey. But the problem was that I couldn’t think of what to do. It’s so hard to do something special… But then it just presented itself to me. Dan’s sister is on the committee for a new playground they’re building in Soldotna. And they are “selling” fence pickets as a way to help donate to the park’s construction. If you “buy” one for $30, they will route whatevet you want into it. I’m going to get one that says “Jacey Van Vleet.” I was only going to have it say Jacey, but after I told Dan, he told me I should put her last name too.

I really like the idea of putting her name in the park. She was a baby. And I like to think of her playing in heaven with all of the other babies and children taken too soon. A playground seems like a fitting place to remember her. And a playground is a happy place. It isn’t somewhere you go with a deep sense of sorrow, like a graveyard. It’s somewhere you can go happily, and excited.

And one day, when we go, I’ll tell Maddi and Danny about their sister in heaven.

Today kind of sucks.

I’m trying not to let it get to me, but today is one year since I lost my baby. It’s really hard to not get upset. I know that I wasn’t that far along… But it still hurts. It makes me really sad and I have a hard time with it.

I’m trying to be positive and think about the things that happened positively… Like that I became even more resolved to fix things with my husband (at the time we were having problems) and I got pregnant with Danny shortly after… And if I hadn’t had the miscarriage, I wouldn’t have had him… I try to think of those things to keep me from being sad…

But it still hurts.

:'(

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