So, you’ll be happy to know, Deedee has settled in pretty well. She’s a complete sweetheart. She was really skittish and hid a lot at first, but now she comes out quite a bit, and she even plays with Blueberry. She comes in my room several times a night and lays with me, usually for only twenty minutes at a time. It’s funny though, because she and Blueberry are really possesive over me when I’m sleeping. They both don’t want to let the other sleep with me and they get upset at each other if the other tries to! I must be popular.

We had a barbecue a couple days ago because Dan’s grandma from texas was down. It was fun. It was a lot of work, but it was fun. I even got to hold Kayli (my neice) for more than five minutes… for once. We had steak, shrimp alfredo, salad, corn on the cob and strawberry shortcake. It was fun, even though it rained. The only thing that could have made it better was no rain, a bonfire and s’mores.

I’ve been working on my review blog quite a bit. I do have to say, I’m impressed with how well its doing. I didn’t think it’d take off so fast, but it has! I have reviews left and right! I’m running behind what I’d like my schedule to be, but it’s fine. It keeps me busy. I usually end up taping and writing my reviews on the weekends when I can have one of the kids, or my friend Maryah come over and help me tape them and conduct them. I love it.

I’ve finished my first manual for my childbirth educator training; communication. I can’t really say that I’ve learned a lot from it, because I just took a communication class at the college, at the same time as I was working on the manual, and I have to say, a lot of the concepts were pretty much the same. But I guess it’s a good refresher. The only thing that wasn’t really covered in my college class was the last section on miscarriage and grief.

We’re supposed to write a reflective communication paper, about something we’ve gone through that changed our lives, something we learned from, an experience that really changed us. For me, that’s the loss of my baby Jacey. I know it wouldn’t be genuine if I wrote about something else… So, I’m going to write about it. I’m really nervous about it. I started crying today just reading the section about miscarriage and grief. It was a short section, but still, it was hard to get through. I don’t know how I’ll be able to get through writing a huge paper about it.

I’ve been wanting to do something special, in remembrance of Jacey. But the problem was that I couldn’t think of what to do. It’s so hard to do something special… But then it just presented itself to me. Dan’s sister is on the committee for a new playground they’re building in Soldotna. And they are “selling” fence pickets as a way to help donate to the park’s construction. If you “buy” one for $30, they will route whatevet you want into it. I’m going to get one that says “Jacey Van Vleet.” I was only going to have it say Jacey, but after I told Dan, he told me I should put her last name too.

I really like the idea of putting her name in the park. She was a baby. And I like to think of her playing in heaven with all of the other babies and children taken too soon. A playground seems like a fitting place to remember her. And a playground is a happy place. It isn’t somewhere you go with a deep sense of sorrow, like a graveyard. It’s somewhere you can go happily, and excited.

And one day, when we go, I’ll tell Maddi and Danny about their sister in heaven.

Related article: Family Friendly Activities in Greenville

Today kind of sucks.

I’m trying not to let it get to me, but today is one year since I lost my baby. It’s really hard to not get upset. I know that I wasn’t that far along… But it still hurts. It makes me really sad and I have a hard time with it.

I’m trying to be positive and think about the things that happened positively… Like that I became even more resolved to fix things with my husband (at the time we were having problems) and I got pregnant with Danny shortly after… And if I hadn’t had the miscarriage, I wouldn’t have had him… I try to think of those things to keep me from being sad…

But it still hurts.

:'(

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